- Barney Stinson: I only smoke on certain occasions: post-coital, when I'm with Germans - sometimes the two overlap - coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, pre-coital, and - wait for it, 'cause I sure have - pregnancy scares.
- Ted Mosby: Why are you smoking now?
- Barney Stinson: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
- Barney Stinson: Remember when we could smoke inside bars?
- [Flashback: the bar is so full of smoke it's hard to see anything]
- Ted Mosby: I think that woman over there is looking at me.
- Barney Stinson: That's a chair, but go ahead, hit that.
- Marshall Eriksen: [Unseen] Hey guys? Where are you? Marco!
- Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson: Polo!
- Arthur Hobbs: Oh, God. You're not gonna jump, are you? I've fired a lot of people, I don't need another jumper in my resumé.
- Barney Stinson: [while smoking] I'm proud of you guys! I have heard how difficult it is for smokers like yourself to quit, and on behalf of non-smokers everywhere, I salute you, and I am here to help. So hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them one at a time.
- Lily's Smoking Voice: Hand them over, dollface. I don't usually call you dollface, but in this voice it kind of works. Dollface.
- Robin Scherbatsky: If I can't even get my best friends to watch, who's gonna watch?
- Marshall Eriksen: Lots of people! You've got bed ridden insomniacs, bums camping outside a department store, people waiting in the ER, where the TV is in a cage so you can't change the channel...
- Lily Aldrin: Oh, do you have any stalkers?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah. But even Leonard won't watch the show.
- Ted Mosby: You are so gonna hit that.
- Robin Scherbatsky: No, I'm not! I just want to know him on the newsdesk.
- Ted Mosby: And on the bedroom, and on the coffee table, and on the floor...
- Marshall Eriksen: He fired what's his face, Ted! And what's his face was invaluable!
- Ted Mosby: Look I can understand you getting upset, but it's not worth killing yourself over.
- Barney Stinson: Yeah, wait till you get laid off then kill yourself, like what's his face. Although, I guess now it's more like... where's his face...