Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol (2009 TV Special)

Christopher Titus: Self

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : If you're in here tonight and you have never comtemplated suicide... then you have never truly been in love. And if you're in here tonight and you've never contemplated murder... then you've never been divorced.

• Christopher Titus : Her family: Irish Catholic, autistic.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : But not the happy special ones. The real mean ones, you know? "Hey, we're gonna fight, then we're gonna drink. No, we're gonna drink and fight. You wanna fight and drink? What? What? What? What? What?" Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block, we've all driven past it. A bunch of people in there, too old to be kids but never gonna be adults.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : You can tell that by the "Aerosmith rocks" banner in the living room window.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Four sociopathic pit bulls roaming the yard at all times. The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours. You can tell when the family's doubled their net worth 'cause they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives to the cops 'cause, hell, they're gonna there anyway.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood, you *live* in this house in your neighborhood.

• Christopher Titus : One more thing I want to be clear about: I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge, creamy center of raging, arrogant a-hole. I got it.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : [his inner retard]  "He's an idiot, but amazingly self-aware."

• Christopher Titus : I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.

• Christopher Titus : I filed for divorce on June 6, '06.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : 6/6/06, yes. Which, coincidentally, turned my ex into a demon slithering from the fiery depths of Satan's anus.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : But for legal reasons, I have to call her "Kate".

• Christopher Titus : I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : I just wanted one, you know? 'Cause I wanted to see my dad get nostalgic for a second, 'cause he wasn't that guy. Just see him go "Oh, son, gosh, the night we made you, moonlight was shining off your mom's hair. She wasn't hearing 'the voices'. I was soberish."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Instead, he goes "You really want to hear this? All right, just remember, you asked for it, 'cause I am not paying for therapy, numbnuts."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "So, I come home from the National Guard after summer camp. I'm a private again. Turns out they don't like it when you throw up tequila shooters on the obstacle course."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "Yeah, well put it in the manual, douchebags! So I get to our apartment, I find all the furniture gone, your mom gone. I check the bank accounts - totally empty. So I check the room for bodies, wipe my fingerprints off the doorknobs and the phones, and I get the hell out."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "I file for divorce. Three months later, your mom calls. Says she wants to see me one more time. And son, I go, 'cause your mom... she was sexy."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "She could do this thing with her leg and a nightstand... ' DAD! "Don't make fun of circus people, kid."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "So we go over, we start talking, things get a little hot and heavy and I realize 'all right, I'm getting ready to drop the hog.'" DAD! I don't even know what that means, but please don't say it again. "What, are you gay now? What happened to you?"

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "All right, I'll clean it up for your tender sensibilities. So, I'm getting ready to do your mom."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "And we start going at it. Just really great, angry lovemaking. But it's still your mom, so I'm palming a blade."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "And in the middle of it, son, I mean I'm knee-deep..." DAD! "Let me freaking finish, all right? In the middle of it, her new boyfriend, this little reporter guy she's dating, starts banging on the front door. 'Nina, why you doing this to me? Why you doing this to me?' Now, I figure I could stop and get offended. Or..."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "I could get louder and become the offender."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "So I start screaming as loud as I can. 'That's the way you want it, girl, isn't it? Yeah, that's what a real man feels like. Hey, report this, fruit cup!'"

• Christopher Titus : She asked me to make the bed one night. I'm like "All right, I'll make the bed, but I'll make the bed like a damn man makes the bed." I tuck it in four feet all the way around, I've got a staple gun.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Kapow, kapow, kapow!

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : The bed's made. 'Cause I only want to make it once every fiscal year.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : But when you make a bed with that kind of expertise, you have a tendency to short-sheet it a tad. And she's five eleven.

  [laughs] 

  Christopher Titus : So she got in bed that night and the sheet came up to her hip.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : She's like "I can't get the... I can't... What... what did you do? I can't..." And I was wrapped around behind her. I had my shoulder, her head was right here, and I said "Hey, baby, calm down. I got this for you."

  [pantomimes kissing her cheek] 

  Christopher Titus : And I grabbed the sheet and I go...

  [pantomimes struggling with the sheet] 

  Christopher Titus : And my hand slipped and I punched her in the face.

  [raucous laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : [his inner retard]  "I have no words for this one. I frankly believe you have outdone yourself here, my friend. That... that was extraordinary. You have definitely skipped some levels. I wish I could call everybody else's inner retard right now and brag about you. Well, you'd better wake her up, idiot. WAKE UP! Well, while she's passed out, you might as well grab her butt. All right, yeah. Yeah. Whoo, that's some hot business right there. Okay. All right."

• Christopher Titus : The weird thing is you don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot. You just don't. Death doesn't show up and go "Hey, man, I was gonna take you today, but you were with that bitch for, like, three years. Here's a coupon."

• Christopher Titus : [about his new girlfriend]  She is so far out of my league in looks, and so far out of my league in brains, my inner retard had a stroke.

• Christopher Titus : [about his ex-wife]  She was seeing two other guys, I found out. Yeah. One guy was sixty years old.

  [disgusted moans from the audience] 

  Christopher Titus : But he had $20 million.

  [applause and laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Wow, you bunch of whores. Really?

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Is that how the audience reacts? "Ewww! Ahh!" I have to admit, when I heard 20 million, I was like "Wow, good job. Damn. Nice. I'll tell you what... he buys me a Z06 Corvette, I'll drop you off on Wednesdays." But sixty? I mean, I've got issues, but sixty? Sixty? And how do you stay, like, focused in the bedroom when you're thinking "They're gonna break a hip. They're gonna break a hip. They're gonna break a hip."?

• Christopher Titus : I'd go to the mall, and I'd have to stop before we go in and get ready. I'd be in the parking lot like "Okay..."

  [pantomimes stretching before an exercise workout] 

  Christopher Titus : I had to loosen up, 'cause I knew I'd have to lock my neck for the next three hours. 'Cause she was like a cobra. If I moved my head, "What are you looking at? What are you looking at?"

  [hisses] 

  Christopher Titus : So I would walk through the mall like this.

  [pantomimes walking with his neck stiffly straight] 

  Christopher Titus : And god forbid somebody hot walked into my vision, 'cause then I was screwed. "Oh god, she's hot! Look over here! AHHH! The girl at the Cinnabon, she's kind of hot! Look over here! AHHH! It's a hot mannequin wearing a bikini! Turn around! It's a UPS guy wearing shorts! Look at the ground! It's a passed out transvestite in high heels! Gouge your eyes out! Gouge your eyes out! Gouge your eyes out!"

• Christopher Titus : "'Here's a direct quote for the article.'"

  [loud, long moan of pleasure] 

  Christopher Titus : "And I finished up, zipped my shirt and my fly, and I walked the hell out of there. As I walked past the front door, he was standing there crying. So I got to do your mom one last time, and I made her new boyfriend cry."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "It was a twofer."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "Three weeks later, she called me, said she was pregnant with you. Son, you were conceived during revenge sex."

  [laughter] 

• Christopher Titus : My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

• Christopher Titus : [about his divorce]  It is the worst thing I have been through in my life. I would rather be the majority stockholder in a chain of Alec Baldwin daycare centers.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : With Britney Spears as CEO, man.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And here was my mistake: after my last comedy special, I said "God, give me a new idea for a new comedy special." And God went "You're getting divorced." So, turns out you gotta be a lot more fucking specific when you talk to God, all right? Yeah, don't just give God a blank slate and let him run with that.

• Christopher Titus : Every time a relationship goes bad, you have hints. There was things. Like two years before we got divorced, she got a boob job. And gentlemen, if you're dating a woman over five years and she decides she wants a boob job, she ain't getting it for you.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : She is putting fresh meat on a new hook. That's all it is. She is trolling for Idiot B, that's right. 'Cause you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double-Ds out into the dating pool.

  [pantomimes a fishing rod being cast and retracted] 

  Christopher Titus : In the two years before we got divorced, my ex got new hair, new eyes, new boobs, new lips. I rebuilt this bitch from the ground up, man.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : It was a frame-off restoration. Now some new guy's driving her.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Ha-ha. And I want to point something out about boob jobs. Ladies, if you're gonna get a boob job, for God's sake, I want to be clear: I am not anti-boob job, as long as you don't use them for evil.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : But don't get what you think men want. 'Cause men don't want "bigger is better". We just don't... we just don't want... we want something that looks good on you, don't go crazy. My ex went insane, man. In my opinion, she got boobs four sizes bigger than she should have if she was five feet taller than she already is.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : She's 5'2", got boobs to fit... Shaquille O'Neal.

• Christopher Titus : And California is a no-fault state. You split the assets down the middle, right? Well, plastic surgery's an asset. I want half the plastic surgery back.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And I don't want a cash settlement. I want to leave court with a jar.

  [raucous laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : That's right. And I want her walking out like the Elephant Man. Just a clump of hair missing, one eyelid, upper lip, one boob. "Your Honor, this is outrageous!"

• Christopher Titus : My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on."

• Christopher Titus : My father took no crap from a woman. That's why he got divorced so many times. Women, nothing, they would do nothing. "'Hey Kenny, I... I gained two pounds.' Really? Pack your crap and get your ass out of here right now, lard-ass. 'Well, I lost weight?' Yeah, well I gained two pounds. Pack your crap and get your ass out of here right now. Trying to kill me?" And these women, like, it... my dad flipped so hard that these women would be confused. And they'd be moving their stuff out of the house and half of dad's stuff, 'cause California is a no-fault state. And they'd always say the same thing to me. And, by the way, remember I'm a little kid at this point. I'm like, eight, and they'd turn to me and go "Why is your father like this?"

  [himself as an eight year old] 

  Christopher Titus : "Um... have you met my mother?"

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "'Cause frankly, she's a Batman villain." Oh, yeah. After knowing my mom, I'm surprised my dad didn't just roam the countryside killing hookers with a spoon.

• Christopher Titus : Their entire relationship was built on the concrete foundation of sex and mental illness, which my dad thought was h-o-o-o-t!

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : I asked him "Dad, if she was so nuts, why did you stay with her?" He said "Son, anybody can have a relationship. But if you're with a woman who is so crazy in bed that if you're not wearing your Kevlar one night, you may never see daylight... that's exciting."

  [laughter] 

• Christopher Titus : My father fought for his country in the National Guard. Yes, he did.

  [applause] 

  Christopher Titus : Thanks, thanks. All right, calm down. Calm down! He fought in the Watts riots. Which means he defended liquor stores against rocks for a whole weekend one time.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : But they were liquor stores, so my dad was first man in, last man out!

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : My father was actually busted down from sergeant three times in the National Guard. Yeah, it turns out you can't take your entire squad to the Holiday Inn pool and call it "the mission".

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : He's militarily qualified to invade a Courtyard Marriott.

• Christopher Titus : I filed for divorce. And I filed ex parte, and I filed a restraining order, and I went to court that next Monday and I was righteous. I walked into court like a superhero. "Your Honor! I no longer wish to be married to the thieving harlot!" Because I knew I was right. And she got up in front of the judge and went "Your Honor, this man has beaten me for the last twenty years and beaten the children since the day they were born."

  [boos] 

  Christopher Titus : And it turns out "Uh uh!" is not a defense in California court.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : It's not legal. Now, why would a woman say that? Why would anybody say that if it didn't happen? Let me explain something about no-fault states. And this is also for Alec Baldwin.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Um... in a no-fault state, everything is 50/50, no matter what. You could literally walk in on the one you married doing a monkey, and it's still 50/50.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : The monkey might get a chunk, I don't know.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : That didn't relate to my case. 50/50, unless somebody claims domestic violence. And then, after the hearing, if the judge believes it at all, it's up to the judge's discretion to give up to 100% of the marital assets *and* custody of the children to the 'damaged party'. And the only thing that *ever* made me want to be a wife beater...

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : ...is being called one. "Your Honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"

  [laughter] 

• Christopher Titus : Jealousy: the Auschwitz of emotions. The relationship death camp. I have been accused of sleeping with people... I hadn't met yet.

• Christopher Titus : Why do we stay with these people? We've all done it. Why? You know why we stay? 'Cause every one of us, in our brain, has that inner retard.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : That little voice that tells you you're not good enough, that you're never gonna be good enough, that you're not good-looking enough, you don't make enough money. That little voice... that little voice that, when you go "I'm gonna ask for a raise!", it goes

  [in a stereotypical retarded voice] 

  Christopher Titus : "Yeah, well you're gonna get fired, idiot."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "Go ahead, ask for it, dummy." Mine's bad. Mine... tonight, mine was like "You're gonna do a comedy special, and you spelled 'evil' wrong, idiot. You're a idiot. You're a idiot." Here's how bad my inner retard is: if I'm on the freeway and the lane I'm in stops, and I pull to the next lane and that lane stops, my inner retard goes "That was your fault!"

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "The entire freeway is pissed off at you right now. I hope they pull you over and beat your ass. Idiot." And the weird thing about that voice is none of us had it when we were kids. We were just kids, living life, having a blast. "I'm gonna be an astronaut. NO! I'm gonna drive a ice cream truck. NO! I'm gonna drive a ice cream truck in outer space!" And then my dad saw I was full of hope and joy and thought "Well that's not gonna work, you little fruit."

• Christopher Titus : [about the events leading up to his divorce]  I knew things were weird. I knew they were weird, you know? We were together fifteen years and things started going kind of sideways seventeen years ago.

• Christopher Titus : Crazy makes you crazy. And you have to have the Armageddon fight, the ground zero fight. You know, guys, that fight where you're at Home Depot the next day going "I need two bathroom doors."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "Is this all the Spackle you have, right here?"

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : That no holds barred fight. We all get to that crazy place, man. It's, uh... And people who say this crack me up: "Oh, our relationship ended fine."

  [laughs] 

  Christopher Titus : You lying bastards. Really? No relationship ends "fine". The only reason people say it ended fine is because whatever they did to each other in that last fight, they could still be prosecuted.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : The statute of limitations has not run out yet.

• Christopher Titus : If you're dating someone right now, and you've met their family and their family is WHAAACCCKKKED!

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And you think "Oh, that's okay. They're the good one"...

  [cackles with laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : ...then you are mentally ill, okay? 'Cause they are not the good one. They are like a psycho Tylenol gel cap, man. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Crazy's coming!

• Christopher Titus : I wish we had a relationship Starbucks. 'Cause that's where you make it perfect. You can get everything perfect at Starbucks. If we could just make a relationship one, so you can walk in and go "Hi, I'd like a new girl. Uh... this time no jealousy and only half bipolar."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : "I just... I just want her polar, if that's okay."

• Christopher Titus : [about the 'Armageddon fight' with his wife]  And here's the situation: she's 5'2", I'm 6' 2", I outweigh her by double, and I trained in martial arts for a long time. So my first thought was "Wow, I'm in 'Lord of the Rings' fighting a Hobbit."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : So I took the knife away, I put it on the ground, and I said "Listen! We need to talk!"

  [his inner retard] 

  Christopher Titus : "Yeah, which is the perfect response to somebody pulling a knife on you. You're gonna be very helpful in the alley, Captain Negotiation."

  [laughter] 

• Christopher Titus : [recounting his crazy ex-girlfriends]  Another girl randomly punched me. She would just punch me. Like, if we got in a little argument, her response was POW!

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : By any measure of the Geneva Convention, the crap this chick did to me, she should be up on war crimes at GiMo *right now*.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : But by the end of the argument, she would do something heinous, and then we'd argue, and then I would apologize to her.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And it started to feel weird. And I started talking to my friends. "Hey, guys, here's what happened. Like, I woke up at three o'clock last night, and she was sitting on me just popping me in the temple, right? So we talked about it, and then today I went out and got her flowers."

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And my friends would always say something like "Dude, could you call my voicemail and say that exact thing so I can PLAY IT BACK FOR YOU?"