Shining Time Station (TV Series)

Double Trouble (1991)

George Carlin: Mr. Conductor, Mr. Conductor's Double

Quotes 

• Stacy Jones : This is terrible.

  Mr. Conductor : [appears eating]  What's terrible? The price of ice-cream? I agree.

  Dan Jones : Say it isn't true, Mr. Conductor, please.

  Mr. Conductor : But it is, I'm afraid.

  Stacy Jones : How could you?

  Mr. Conductor : It isn't easy, I admit, but I try to eat only one a day.

• Mr. Conductor : Hello, and goodbye. I know when I'm not wanted. Take care of the switch-house for me. Polish the windows; they like that.

  Dan Jones : Mr. Conductor, we were wrong; you didn't do those terrible tricks.

  Mr. Conductor : Oh? Well, you could've fooled me. I was sure you were all sure that I did. That's four against one, so you must be right. I'll just have to keep a closer eye on myself.

• Mr. Conductor : [seriously]  The only way to catch a trickster is to use trickery!

• Mr. Conductor : [to Dan, Becky and Kara]  He's not me.

  Mr. Conductor's Double : [to a real Mr. Conductor]  Yes, I am.

  Mr. Conductor : I'm much taller.

  Mr. Conductor's Double : No, you're not!

  Mr. Conductor : You're fatter though!

  Mr. Conductor's Double : [looks at himself]  No, I'm not! With the same.

  Mr. Conductor : We're not the same at all!

  Mr. Conductor's Double : Yes, we are!

  Mr. Conductor : No, we're not!

  Mr. Conductor's Double : Yes, we are!

  Mr. Conductor : I can prove it! That cutout fits my outline perfectly. Won't fit yours.

  Mr. Conductor's Double : Will, too!

  Mr. Conductor : Will not!

  Mr. Conductor's Double : Will, too!

  Mr. Conductor : Be my guest.