- Alan Harper: Watching football?
- Charlie Harper: There's no fooling you!
- Alan Harper: So, who are we rooting for?
- Charlie Harper: The spread.
- Alan Harper: Heard any good jokes lately?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch. One of them says, "heard any good jokes lately?". And the other one - now, get this - the other one sets him on fire.
- Alan Harper: I need human contact.
- [Doorbell rings]
- Charlie Harper: That's probably a human. Go make contact. That's actually very clever.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, Berta. Get me a beer, will ya?
- Berta: Jake, get your uncle a beer.
- Jake Harper: He can get his own beer.
- Berta: Sorry, Charlie. I tried.