- Commercial voice-over: Do you sometimes feel irritable? Restless? Uneasy? Sad? Normal? Or just-plain not high? Maybe it's time to try CRACK.
- [Stan hits the crack-pipe, hallucinates]
- Commercial voice-over: CRACK may cause shivers, night terrors, gay-for-pay, heart palpitations, homicidal paranoia, or the sensation that you're on fire. Peeing blood and seeing friends faces as talking skeletons are possible side-effects of CRACK. People who use CRACK may also experience five-to-seven years in prison, where brutal raping may occur. If you experience one or more of these side-effects, consult your dealer. You may need more CRACK.
- Roger: You gonna share that crack you're doing or what?
- Stan Smith: Crack? This is cold medicine.
- Roger: No sir, it's crack.
- Stan Smith: It's not crack! I bought on a park bench outside a soup kitchen from a guy in a lime green sui... oh my God it's crack.
- Francine Smith: [to a police officer] Oh, come on. I live right there. Can't you just give me a break, pig-fucker?
- Officer Figpucker: That is not my name, ma'am.
- [points to his name tag which says "Officer Figpucker"]
- Francine Smith: Oh! Oh, forgive me, Officer Figpucker.
- Roger: [while in his Fantasia Lopez disguise] I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso till I catch me a man.
- Francine Smith: You can't speak ill of Oprah. Val Kilmer bad-mouthed Oprah and now he's slowly turning into a pumpkin.
- Stan Smith: [to Francine as she's in jail] So have you traded bras with your cell mate yet?
- Francine Smith: What?
- Stan Smith: Like at summer camp.
- Francine Smith: You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
- Stan Smith: I would. I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras and trade up for something lacy.
- Hayley Smith: [after Stan is checked out of rehab] Mom, while we're here I really think I should check myself in for my pot problem.
- Francine Smith: Just stop it, Hayley.
- Stan Smith: You're right. I have a crack addiction and I've been stealing from all of you to support it. I took the TV and Francine's jewelry. Roger, I stole about eight of your wigs but those were just to wear while I was high. It's super fun to walk around high in a wig.
- Roger: Stan, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to go downtown and buy crack? You could have bought from me right here in the house.
- Francine Smith: Roger, you're not being helpful.
- Roger: Did you really expect me to be?