Quotes
Dana Carvey/Joe Garagiola/David Teitelbaum & Jack Saltzberg
The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] Heaven Can Wait.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "What did Oral Roberts say after he raised the eight million bucks?"
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] The Writers Guild, and a constipated moose.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "What would be nice if they showed a little movement?"
- David Teitelbaum: [on crashing the Oscars red carpet as fake reporters] My biggest reservation was that I didn't have anything to wear. And...
- Johnny Carson: Because that's a black tie affair.
- David Teitelbaum: Absolutely. And, you know, I went out and bought this sport coat for this occasion, so...
- Johnny Carson: Well, that's very nice - I appreciate that.
- David Teitelbaum: Thank you.
- Johnny Carson: So how'd you - how'd you come up with the wardrobe?
- David Teitelbaum: Well, Jack - Jack had a tuxedo. And, uh...
- Jack Saltzberg: I gave it to Dave; it was about four sizes too big, though.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah. Well, didn't *you* have a tuxedo?
- Jack Saltzberg: Well, I - I used my sister's black pants. So they were kinda small on me; my...
- Johnny Carson: Well, in Hollywood, nobody - that wouldn't... perfectly appropriate dress.
- Johnny Carson: I think you got a great future with that kind of stuff - I really mean it. Congratulations - it's fun having you here.
- Jack Saltzberg: Maybe I can earn enough money to pay off this suit here.
- Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah - yeah... Well, you won't have to earn too much.
- Dana Carvey: When you're in Las Vegas, you have nothing to do. So what I like to do is get a big bucket of silver dollars - like, four hundred dollars. And I walk around the, uh, casino - walk up to the slot machine freak, and just go, "Is this good, when you win this much? Is this good? Is that, like, a lot? 'Cause I, like, pulled that little lever, and all these little bloody coins go right in me basket." You know... It's, like, you know, "It was, uh - it was the machine you were just playing, right over there."
- Joe Garagiola: You pick up a paper - "Cure Baldness". What is there to cure? Right? I mean, I don't have - it's not like a disease!
- Joe Garagiola: I'm also fed up with guys who write sports books that have to tell me how macho they are by using every four-letter word in the book. I've heard 'em. In fact, Durocher would use 'em grammatically correct.