- Alex Dunphy: Good morning, family. How are you all doing on this beautiful day?
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, what's this?
- Alex Dunphy: Haley's SAT scores are available online.
- Haley Dunphy: I hate you.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, today's the big day! Let's take a look, see how she did.
- Haley Dunphy: Do we really have to look at them now?
- Phil Dunphy: Don't worry. We're not expecting any miracles.
- Haley Dunphy: Thank you.
- Claire Dunphy: Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure?
- Haley Dunphy: Are they bad?
- Claire Dunphy: No. They're not bad.
- Haley Dunphy: Are they good?
- Claire Dunphy: No, they're average. Sweetie, we did it. Our baby is average.
- Phil Dunphy: Medium five!
- [High-fives Claire]
- Alex Dunphy: [In disbelief] This is just a fluke. She can take them again.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah, and she'll probably do even better. You are gonna have your choice of some pretty good colleges when the time comes.
- Haley Dunphy: If I go to college.
- Claire Dunphy: What?
- Haley Dunphy: I've been thinking about it lately, and I might... not. Later.
- Alex Dunphy: [Satisfied] Well, we took the scenic route, but we ended up in the same place!
- Cameron Tucker: Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I do not.
- Cameron Tucker: You do it all the time, and you know what I end up with? Wet dreams! I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.
- Phil Dunphy: [Taps Claire on the shoulder] Excuse me. I'm so sorry, I never do this with celebrities, but are you by any chance the foxy mom in the new Horizon Realty ad?
- Claire Dunphy: Am I gonna regret doing that?
- Phil Dunphy: Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets?
- Cameron Tucker: I was volunteering for their spring musical festival when their regular director suddenly and mysteriously became ill.
- [Flashback to Cameron sneezing on the musical director]
- Cameron Tucker: It may have been a blessing; their show lacked focus. I gave it a theme: a musical trip around the world.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, see, he focused it by making it about the world.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't take a run at a woman. You woo her. You make her feel special.
- Jay Pritchett: Hey hon, take a look at this. It's a picture of my butt.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And then when you get her, you can tell her whatever you want.
- Donnie Pritchett: Yeah, they caught it early, I took the treatment, I'm clear for now. Come on, it's your shot.
- Jay Pritchett: Caught what early? Donnie, are you talking about...
- [whispering]
- Jay Pritchett: cancer?
- Donnie Pritchett: You don't have to whisper. I know I got it. You just get *your* prostate checked. By a doctor, not some guy you met on the Internet.