- Haley Dunphy: [Wearing a tight nurse's outfit] What? You told me to put on an old costume.
- Claire Dunphy: Not from when you were eight! Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen?
- Jay Pritchett: Listen, did you ever do anything about costumes for Claire's thing tonight?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm going to pick them up this afternoon. You're going to be a gargle and I am going to be an evil village bruja.
- Jay Pritchett: I know less now than I did when I asked.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is a gargle.
- Manny Delgado: She means gargoyle.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's what I said.
- Jay Pritchett: As long as you've got it covered, because if Claire doesn't get her Halloween, she turns into a real rhymes with bruja.
- Alex Dunphy: Why am I in a cage?
- Claire Dunphy: Because you're in a house of horrors. You are being held against your will.
- Alex Dunphy: I know, so why am I in a cage?
- Haley Dunphy: [Wearing a sexy cat costume] Check it. I'm a scary black cat.
- Claire Dunphy: The only person that costume scares is me. Go change it.
- Haley Dunphy: To what?
- Claire Dunphy: I don't know; one of your old costumes. Honey, trust me. I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.
- Haley Dunphy: Eew!
- Phil Dunphy: When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you want to know? Died of what? You just want to hear if it's something that can't happen to you. Well, it's the same thing with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse, no problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.
- Mitchell Pritchett: There are exactly three people in costume here: a tool, a douche and me... and I don't have time to go home and change.
- Cameron Tucker: Calm down. Did you bring in the dry cleaning from last night?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Are you really getting on me about the dry clean... oh, I have suits in the trunk!
- Cameron Tucker: Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy.