- Cheech Marin: How would you like to be the new Chong?
- Homer Simpson: Could I meet Dave?
- Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
- Homer Simpson: Then could I meet Don Johnson?
- Cheech Marin: It would be easier for you to meet Dave.
- Grampa Simpson: Who has disturbed my tomb?
- Lisa Simpson: Grampa, you're not dead.
- Grampa Simpson: Then wake me up when I am.
- Marge Simpson: I hate to say this about the Cat Lady, but I think she's crazy. She's a hoarder.
- Lisa Simpson: This is so sad. Can we help her?
- Marge Simpson: We can! It'll be great, like a reality show without the cameras.
- Lisa Simpson: You mean just reality.
- Bart Simpson: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
- Homer Simpson: Who's Cheech and Chong? They were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
- Bart Simpson: Who's Beavis and Butthead?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I've failed as a parent! I swore the day you were born that you would appreciate stoner comedy.
- Marge Simpson: And remember, don't indulge in any sin except gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
- Homer Simpson: Relax, sweetie. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.
- Homer Simpson: When do we go on wacky adventures?
- Cheech Marin: That's just the movies, man.
- Homer Simpson: Can we at least get some French fries?
- Cheech Marin: Too high in trans-fats.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, stop speaking Spanish!
- Chief Wiggum: Men, I want these brownies confiscated.
- Lou: There are no drugs on these brownies.
- Chief Wiggum: I said confiscate them! And while you're at it, confiscate me a T-shirt, XXXL
- Lou: I thought XXL was a wake-up call for you.
- Chief Wiggum: That was for pants.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!
- Seymour Skinner: Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
- Superintendent Chalmers: They're blank, Seymour.
- Seymour Skinner: Yeah, but there are two K sounds in cocktail.
- Superintendent Chalmers: [Chuckle] Yes, there are.
- Cheech Marin: homer real need to focus on the act cause some of our fans are getting out of rehab and they are more criticial now.
- Bart Simpson: Now, now, spirits, do not depart / Tis me, mischevious and puckish Bart / T'was not I the players did perturb / But the doings of a green and naughty herb / The gods have righted every wrong / Cheech has reunited with his Chong / And Homer is now back with mom / You can watch us tomorrow at Hulu.com.
- Tommy Chong: Ladies and gentlemen, man. Prepare to have your expectations murdered and buried under a sea of "huh" and waves of "what".
- Homer Simpson: I can't believe I'm in Cheech and Chong's van, the van made out of weed!
- Cheech Marin: This van is not made of weed.
- Homer Simpson: Then what's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms? Lysergic acid diethylamide?
- Cheech Marin: No, the van is just made out of... van.
- Homer Simpson: Ohhh!
- Homer Simpson: Yes back then we use to these albums over and over again until they would get clicks on pops on them. Which was usually about the third or fourth time.
- Cheech Marin: dont say name chong to me homer now you drive cause im going to black out his face with from the shirts with the markers.