- Pierce Hawthorne: Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?
- Abed Nadir: [thinks] I don't.
- Jeff Winger: You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."
- Pierce Hawthorne: Trying?
- [laughs]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
- Annie Edison: Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?
- Pierce Hawthorne: [scoffs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.
- Abed Nadir: It's like a mafia movie.
- [voice-over]
- Abed Nadir: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie. Cool.
- Jeff Winger: That's exactly what it's like, Abed, and you get the most important job. You're gonna be fry cook.
- Abed Nadir: We may be watching different mafia movies.
- Jeff Winger: Why do you have a monkey?
- Troy Barnes: It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Who is this?
- Abed Nadir: That's Travis. You said you wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Show him your license. Travis is his middle name.
- Travis: I go by Travis.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, you go by the door.
- [Troy named his monkey Annie's Boobs]
- Annie Edison: And please rename that monkey, and this time not through a contest on Twitter.
- Troy Barnes: It's his Twitter account. He can do what he wants.
- Abed Nadir: Unfortunately, the very thing that drove you to this dorm room is what would prevent you from properly running this machine, or even be a cog in it: your ego.
- Jeff Winger: [scoff] I see. This has been about *me* this whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne? You better bring a powerful ass! Oh, and for your information, I don't even *have* an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape!
- Abed Nadir: And that was it. It was that simple. At that moment we stopped being a family and started being a family, in italics.
- Troy Barnes: He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets...
- Shirley Bennett: Okay, we get it. The monkey's name is Annie's Boobs.
- Britta Perry: If you knew how they treat those animals, you would eat them faster to put them out of their misery, and then you would throw up.
- Britta Perry: Man, you guys really love these stupid chicken fingers, huh?
- Annie Edison: Uh, they're not stupid. They're the only good thing in the cafeteria.
- Shirley Bennett: I haven't had one in weeks. They run out so fast.
- Troy Barnes: If God were edible... not that I'm Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger.
- Annie Edison, Shirley Bennett: Mm-hmm.
- Britta Perry: Well, I wouldn't know.
- [smugly]
- Britta Perry: I'm a vegetarian.
- Troy Barnes: Wow.
- [sarcastically]
- Troy Barnes: Shocker.
- Jeff Winger: No, no, I mean... I mean, why are you here? You said you were close? What were you close to? To... to the... to the group? To people?
- Abed Nadir: Please don't do a special episode about me.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
- Abed Nadir: Everyone else needs my help. That's what people don't get, is that they need to get me.
- [points to himself]
- Abed Nadir: I just need to be able to connect to people like you can, and then I can make everyone happy.
- Jeff Winger: [sighs] Do you know why I'm here?
- Abed Nadir: You got caught with a fake Bachelor's Degree. By the way, they started using that as a seasonal arc on Law & Order. Total rip off.
- Jeff Winger: I'm here to dismantle the fryer, to cut your power off at its source. Don't you see what happened? I manipulated the group into getting you the fry cook job so I could have some chicken. And you turned it all into a way to make everyone like you.
- Abed Nadir: [nods his head] Mm-hmm.
- Jeff Winger: Made me ashamed of myself. Made me jealous.
- Abed Nadir: Maybe this is a special episode. It's pretty alarming behavior, Jeff.
- Jeff Winger: [chuckles and nods his head] Yeah.
- Abed Nadir: You know, there's specialists you could talk to.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, maybe I should do that.
- [chuckles and sighs]
- Abed Nadir: [nods his head] Mm-hmm.
- Jeff Winger: In the meantime...
- Abed Nadir: Mm-hmm?
- Jeff Winger: Let's make a deal. I'll help you connect with people, and you help me do a better job with them.
- Abed Nadir: Like Knight Rider.
- Jeff Winger: Exactly. Like Knight Rider.
- Abed Nadir: Deal.
- [Abed and Jeff shake hands]
- Abed Nadir: I'll put on a leather jacket and make out with an aerobics instructor. you pull around front and comedically startle passersby with your ability to talk.
- Jeff Winger: Maybe we should just stay here and have a plate of chicken fingers.
- Abed Nadir: Cool. Can we eat them while sitting on a table like in Sixteen Candles?
- Jeff Winger: Pick one reference, Abed.
- Abed Nadir: Sixteen Candles.
- [voice over]
- Abed Nadir: And just like that, the mafia movie was over. I quit the fry cook job, somewhat for the sake of the family, but mostly for the sake of Jeff's ego. Poor guy.
- [cut to study group]
- Abed Nadir: Things went back to normal.
- [multiple unintelligible conversations]
- Abed Nadir: Now everyone's back to being a bunch of regular schnooks, and I'm back to being a weirdo, back to watching from the outside... For now.
- Troy Barnes: I think I'm failing Psychopharmacology.
- Britta Perry: Why are you taking that?
- Troy Barnes: I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals, okay?
- Shirley Bennett: [admiring sexy dreadlocks] So cute. And I don't even normally like dreadlocks.
- [to sexy dreadlocks]
- Shirley Bennett: Hello.
- Abed Nadir: His dreadlocks remind me of The Predator, which is weird, because you're doing the actual hunting and you seem invisible to him.
- [Shirley mouths a silent gasp as Annie comforts her]
- Britta Perry: Abed, you know what I do?
- Abed Nadir: Hmm?
- Britta Perry: Before I talk, I ask myself, "What am I about to say?" "And how might it affect each person listening?"
- [Britta nods her head and smiles self-satisfied]
- Abed Nadir: I'm really glad you said that, Britta. The idea that you compulsively filter yourself makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.
- [Britta's smiles fades to confusion]