Community (TV Series)
Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas (2010)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : Does the word "clearly" mean something different to you than it does to us?
Pierce Hawthorne : I think it's Arabic for "not clearly".
[offers high-five to Troy]
Troy Barnes : Dude, do not tarnish the high-five like that.
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Professor Ian Duncan : Now, how many fingers am I holding up? And, more importantly, are they still made of clay?
Abed Nadir : Three, and I told you, we're not clay. We're silicone dolls with foam bodies over ball-and-socket armatures.
Professor Ian Duncan : Fascinating. And publishable. And you say you have no memory of this morning. You don't recall the emotional crisis that caused you to take shelter in this delusion.
Abed Nadir : It's not a delusion.
Professor Ian Duncan : Very, very publishable. Abed, I've been a professor of psychology here at Greendale for many years. And I think I see a solution to this that might also help you with your situation. I'd like to do extensive sessions with you, including hypnosis.
Abed Nadir : I don't need therapy.
Professor Ian Duncan : Nobody said you did. I just think it would benefit you and, incidentally, me to get to the real meaning of all this.
Abed Nadir : You're right. That's it. I need to find the meaning of Christmas.
Professor Ian Duncan : Ah. Well...
Abed Nadir : If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.
Jeff Winger : ...asterisk.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Hey! Look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called - "Worst Shrink Ever"?
Professor Ian Duncan : Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.
Jeff Winger : We beg to differ.
Professor Ian Duncan : What are you doing back here?
Troy Barnes : Saving Christmas.
Annie Edison : Everybody, point your magic Christmas weapons at him.
Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, brother. This is ridiculous. You are enabling a delusion.
Jeff Winger : The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.
Annie Edison : It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.
Britta Perry : Yeah, and when we all agree to support each other in that insanity, something even crazier happens.
Annie Edison : It becomes true.
Troy Barnes : Works every year. Like clockwork.
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Professor Ian Duncan : Try telling that to your catatonic friend.
Shirley Bennett : I got a better idea. Why don't we sing it?
Britta Perry : Wait, what?
Jeff Winger : Yeah, let's not go overboard.
Shirley Bennett : Will you two commit to something for a change?
Jeff Winger : Let's sing it!
Britta Perry : Yeah, let's sing.
Troy Barnes : Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?
Jeff Winger : Absolutely.
[everyone fire their magic weapons at Duncan]
Shirley Bennett : You start, Britta.
[the characters break out in song]
Britta Perry : Christmas time is a time to sing. That's what Christmas is for.
Annie Edison : Christmas can even be a hannukkah thing. That's what Christmas is for.
Shirley Bennett : And for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Christ.
Jeff Winger : But for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice.
Pierce Hawthorne : Music and cookies and liquor and trees. That's what Christmas is for.
Troy Barnes : Video games for two straight weeks. That's what Christmas is for.
Annie Edison : Hanging out with the people you love.
Jeff Winger , Annie Edison : And saying I love you.
Britta Perry : That's what Christmas is...
Shirley Bennett , Britta Perry , Jeff Winger , Troy Barnes , Annie Edison , Pierce Hawthorne : That's what Christmas is... That's what Christmas is for!
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Jeff Winger : That's... wonderful. Let's get back to the magic journey and wrap up. Some of us have women to sleep with.
Abed Nadir : You guys hear that? Humbugs.
Troy Barnes : Humbugs?
Abed Nadir : Yeah, a whole swarm of them. See?
[Abed points in the direction of the squealing humbugs]
Abed Nadir : Everyone stay perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
Jeff Winger : Wow. Somewhere out there, Tim Burton just got a boner.
Annie Edison : Jeff, don't be sarcastic.
Jeff Winger : Oh, are they on me now? Oh, no.
Troy Barnes : They're eating him alive.
Britta Perry : If only he could find the power to not be a smug douche.
Jeff Winger : Oh, no can do. I'm just a horrible guy. Guess I'll have to go get laid.
Annie Edison : Ooh. Can I sing this one?
[clears her throat]
Annie Edison : Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / than a haircut / in a box
Troy Barnes : Annie, nice.
Annie Edison : Get what I did with the word "presence?"
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Abed Nadir : Let's move, folks. This isn't going to be fun, easy or safe.
Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up, Winger.
Jeff Winger : Mm-hm.
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Abed Nadir : You guys really don't see what I'm seeing? That worries me a little.
Britta Perry : I think it worries all of us. Is there something that we can do to help you with your situation, Abed?
Abed Nadir : For starters you could move around more. Not much point in being animated if you don't. And I think we should commit to the format. Starting with a song.
[all turn and look to Jeff]
Jeff Winger : You start. I'm sure we'll join in.
Abed Nadir : Give me the snow / Light up the trees / Deck every hall / And wall you can see / Roast every nut / Mistle the toe / This needs to be the best Christmas since the original / Twenty thousand years from now they'll say / The most successful Christmas was today
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Jeff Winger : Oh, this feels safe.
Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up, Winger.
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Jeff Winger : You are playing with so much fire.
Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up, Winger. Hands on the table. Eyes closed. Heads relaxing. Necks relaxing.
Troy Barnes : Don't relax Pierce any lower.
Pierce Hawthorne : Screw you.
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Abed Nadir : Hm. This is disappointing.
Pierce Hawthorne : What do you care about Christmas, Abed? You're Muslim. Don't your people spend this season writing angry letters to TV Guide?
Abed Nadir : It's true. Religiously, I'm Muslim. But I've always been a fan of Christmas. And this is the most important Christmas in the history of the universe. I'm assuming that's why we're all stop-motion animated.
Jeff Winger : I vote we let it go.