- Abed Nadir: We're in the carol canyon. The plants here give off Christmas carols instead of oxygen.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Will walking through here be expensive?
- Abed Nadir: No, it's all public domain.
- Abed Nadir: The meaning of Christmas is that we give it meaning. To me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now, I guess it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
- Abed Nadir: [opens present] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That's the meaning of Christmas?
- Abed Nadir: It's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.
- Jeff Winger: Does the word "clearly" mean something different to you than it does to us?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I think it's Arabic for "not clearly".
- [offers high-five to Troy]
- Troy Barnes: Dude, do not tarnish the high-five like that.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Now, how many fingers am I holding up? And, more importantly, are they still made of clay?
- Abed Nadir: Three, and I told you, we're not clay. We're silicone dolls with foam bodies over ball-and-socket armatures.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Fascinating. And publishable. And you say you have no memory of this morning. You don't recall the emotional crisis that caused you to take shelter in this delusion.
- Abed Nadir: It's not a delusion.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Very, very publishable. Abed, I've been a professor of psychology here at Greendale for many years. And I think I see a solution to this that might also help you with your situation. I'd like to do extensive sessions with you, including hypnosis.
- Abed Nadir: I don't need therapy.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Nobody said you did. I just think it would benefit you and, incidentally, me to get to the real meaning of all this.
- Abed Nadir: You're right. That's it. I need to find the meaning of Christmas.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Ah. Well...
- Abed Nadir: If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.
- Jeff Winger: ...asterisk.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey! Look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called - "Worst Shrink Ever"?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.
- Jeff Winger: We beg to differ.
- Professor Ian Duncan: What are you doing back here?
- Troy Barnes: Saving Christmas.
- Annie Edison: Everybody, point your magic Christmas weapons at him.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, brother. This is ridiculous. You are enabling a delusion.
- Jeff Winger: The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.
- Annie Edison: It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.
- Britta Perry: Yeah, and when we all agree to support each other in that insanity, something even crazier happens.
- Annie Edison: It becomes true.
- Troy Barnes: Works every year. Like clockwork.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Try telling that to your catatonic friend.
- Shirley Bennett: I got a better idea. Why don't we sing it?
- Britta Perry: Wait, what?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, let's not go overboard.
- Shirley Bennett: Will you two commit to something for a change?
- Jeff Winger: Let's sing it!
- Britta Perry: Yeah, let's sing.
- Troy Barnes: Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?
- Jeff Winger: Absolutely.
- [everyone fire their magic weapons at Duncan]
- Shirley Bennett: You start, Britta.
- [the characters break out in song]
- Britta Perry: Christmas time is a time to sing. That's what Christmas is for.
- Annie Edison: Christmas can even be a hannukkah thing. That's what Christmas is for.
- Shirley Bennett: And for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Christ.
- Jeff Winger: But for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Music and cookies and liquor and trees. That's what Christmas is for.
- Troy Barnes: Video games for two straight weeks. That's what Christmas is for.
- Annie Edison: Hanging out with the people you love.
- Jeff Winger, Annie Edison: And saying I love you.
- Britta Perry: That's what Christmas is...
- Shirley Bennett, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne: That's what Christmas is... That's what Christmas is for!
- Troy Barnes: Who taught you therapy, Michael Jackson's dad?
- Professor Ian Duncan: I am a professional, and you are interfering with a very fragile book deal... I mean, human being.
- Abed Nadir: My snowman talks?
- Señor Chang: I'm not a snowman, I'm Chang!
- Abed Nadir: But I made you.
- Señor Chang: Yeah, you make me cry in the shower tonight.
- Abed Nadir: So, what are we doing this year?
- Annie Edison: Well, I'm taking a relaxation course next semester and I was gonna use the break to do all the reading in advance.
- Annie Edison: I think he just gave us random identities, you guys. I mean, me, a ballerina? It's not like I'm that thin and graceful, right?
- Britta Perry: Annie, it's because you're fragile and tightly wound.
- [Annie scoffs]
- Jeff Winger: That's... wonderful. Let's get back to the magic journey and wrap up. Some of us have women to sleep with.
- Abed Nadir: You guys hear that? Humbugs.
- Troy Barnes: Humbugs?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, a whole swarm of them. See?
- [Abed points in the direction of the squealing humbugs]
- Abed Nadir: Everyone stay perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
- Jeff Winger: Wow. Somewhere out there, Tim Burton just got a boner.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, don't be sarcastic.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, are they on me now? Oh, no.
- Troy Barnes: They're eating him alive.
- Britta Perry: If only he could find the power to not be a smug douche.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, no can do. I'm just a horrible guy. Guess I'll have to go get laid.
- Annie Edison: Ooh. Can I sing this one?
- [clears her throat]
- Annie Edison: Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / than a haircut / in a box
- Troy Barnes: Annie, nice.
- Annie Edison: Get what I did with the word "presence?"
- Abed Nadir: Let's move, folks. This isn't going to be fun, easy or safe.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Shut up, Winger.
- Jeff Winger: Mm-hm.
- Abed Nadir: You guys really don't see what I'm seeing? That worries me a little.
- Britta Perry: I think it worries all of us. Is there something that we can do to help you with your situation, Abed?
- Abed Nadir: For starters you could move around more. Not much point in being animated if you don't. And I think we should commit to the format. Starting with a song.
- [all turn and look to Jeff]
- Jeff Winger: You start. I'm sure we'll join in.
- Abed Nadir: Give me the snow / Light up the trees / Deck every hall / And wall you can see / Roast every nut / Mistle the toe / This needs to be the best Christmas since the original / Twenty thousand years from now they'll say / The most successful Christmas was today
- Abed Nadir: Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Shirley Bennett: Don't you mean season's greetings?
- Abed Nadir: Come on, Shirley, you know it's Christmas.
- Shirley Bennett: Yes, but as a modern Christian, I've learned to be sensitive to other cultures' jealousies.
- Jeff Winger: You are playing with so much fire.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Shut up, Winger. Hands on the table. Eyes closed. Heads relaxing. Necks relaxing.
- Troy Barnes: Don't relax Pierce any lower.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Screw you.
- Professor Ian Duncan: New family. New life. There's nothing left to do now but heal. And share the experience with as many reputable journals as possible.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Great, look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called? "Worst Shrink Ever"?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.
- Abed Nadir: Hm. This is disappointing.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What do you care about Christmas, Abed? You're Muslim. Don't your people spend this season writing angry letters to TV Guide?
- Abed Nadir: It's true. Religiously, I'm Muslim. But I've always been a fan of Christmas. And this is the most important Christmas in the history of the universe. I'm assuming that's why we're all stop-motion animated.
- Jeff Winger: I vote we let it go.