Community (TV Series)
Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking (2011)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Britta Perry : [pretending to be Jeff's estranged father] Hi. I'm Jeff's dad. Hi.
Jeff Winger : [pretending to be Britta's dad] Oh, hi Jeff's dad. I'm Britta's dad.
Britta Perry : What? Why?
Jeff Winger : I don't know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom, and her mom gets freaky when she hears Oingo Boingo.
Britta Perry : Oh, God, I wish I could relate, but, much like my son, I'm a closet homosexual.
Jeff Winger : Don't apologize for that. You're talking to the guy that banged Britta's mom. I have NO standards!
Britta Perry : Well, what do you say we take a tumble? I'll put on a wig.
Jeff Winger : That's it, you're under arrest; I'm an undercover cop.
Britta Perry : It's not illegal to be gay.
Jeff Winger : It is here in Iran.
Britta Perry : Not if we're in the Green Zone.
Jeff Winger : That's Iraq, stupid.
Britta Perry : Well, what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad!
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Pierce Hawthorne : Hello, Jeffrey.
Jeff Winger : Pierce.
Pierce Hawthorne : I've thought about this day many times, but I've always imagined it differently. For starters, I thought you'd be the one in bed and I'd be a hologram.
Jeff Winger : What?
Pierce Hawthorne : Uh... never mind. It's no... there's no time for that now.
Jeff Winger : Pierce. It's starting to seem, from observing the others, that you're using the social leverage afforded you by your alleged deathbed, to exact complicated acts of psychological vengeance on those closest to you.
Pierce Hawthorne : Vengeance?
[wryly chuckles]
Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, no. I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that. Did you get along with your father?
Jeff Winger : I got along without him.
Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, that's no good, Jeffrey. You don't want your dad to die before you tell him how you feel.
Jeff Winger : I'm sure you're right...
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Abed Nadir : Jeff, do you wanna see your dad?
Jeff Winger : He's not coming.
Abed Nadir : But, do you wanna see him?
Jeff Winger : No!
Abed Nadir : Abed: Then why aren't you leaving?
Jeff Winger : Because I don't care and I'm not gonna let him think that I care.
Abed Nadir : Your dad or Pierce?
Jeff Winger : There is no dad, and get this thing out of my face! And don't you dare intercut this with footage of me freaking out!
[cut to footage of Jeff freaking out]
Abed Nadir : Is there footage of you freaking out?
Jeff Winger : Abed, I'm gonna kill you, and Pierce, and Britta, and anyone else who thinks I care about any of this!
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Jeff Winger : Oh, I should probably tell you. If you're lying to me, if my father isn't coming, if a car pulls up and anyone other than my father steps out, say an actor or you in a wig, if you pull any Ferris Bueller, Parent Trap, Three's Company, FX, FX2: the Deadly Art of Illusion bull- I will beat you. And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it. Understood?
Pierce Hawthorne : Crystal!
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Pierce Hawthorne : You forget my birthday. You don't invite me to your Dungeons & Dragons games or your secret trampoline. You guys think I'm some kind of a joke.
Jeff Winger : This isn't disproving the theory.
Pierce Hawthorne : Good point.
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Britta Perry : What are you gonna say to your dad?
Jeff Winger : I'm not gonna say anything, because I won't have to, because Pierce is playing head games with us.
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Shirley Bennett : Britta, you've got to forgive yourself. Look at me, I've forgiven all of you for the horrible things...
[Britta snatches the CD from Shirley and walks quickly]
Shirley Bennett : Oh, for crying out loud Shirley, we're gonna listen to it.
[Shirley chases after]
Shirley Bennett : I don't wanna listen to it. Britta, please. Britta. Britta, wait. Britta.
[Britta loads the CD on player]
Shirley Bennett : [on recording] I'll be right back. Don't learn anything without me.
Pierce Hawthorne : [on recording] So how much do we all hate Shirley?
Annie Edison : [on recording] Pierce, knock it off.
Jeff Winger : [on recording] Hey, James Bond, stop trying to record us with that stupid spy pen.
Abed Nadir : [on recording] We can see the blinking light. Troy:
Troy Barnes : [on recording] Why do you keep trying to record us bad-mouthing each other?
Jeff Winger : Because, he thinks friendship is a competition, and he's trying to get the upper hand.
Pierce Hawthorne : You think Shirley's any different?
Britta Perry , Annie Edison , Jeff Winger , Abed Nadir , Troy Barnes : [on recording] Yes.
Jeff Winger : Moron.
Shirley Bennett : Hello.
Britta Perry : I guess we do owe you an apology. We shouldn't have said those things about you.
Shirley Bennett : [cut to Shirley in a storage closet] I guess the lesson here is that I sometimes use guilt as a weapon.
Abed Nadir : [Abed enters] What are you doing?
Shirley Bennett : Oh, just shooting a talking head or did you want me to be the only one who didn't have one?
Abed Nadir : No, go ahead.
[Abed exits]
Shirley Bennett : I think it stems from when I was...
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Annie Edison : I don't wanna die in a place like this. People shouldn't die in the same place People magazines do.
Shirley Bennett : I hope to die surrounded by my family.
Jeff Winger : That's the only way I'd agree to be surrounded by my family.
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Jeff Winger : You know what? No. He'll see Jeff next.
Nurse : No, but you're not supposed to go...
Jeff Winger : Or what? You'll do twice as much work as the doctor for half the pay?
Nurse : Thank you?
Britta Perry : Called a "complisult." Part compliment, part insult. He invented them, I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an "explanabrag."
