- Jeff Winger: Shirley, you can't sue a stripper.
- Shirley Bennett: Why not?
- Jeff Winger: Because she's a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.
- Abed Nadir: I think this is it. Print it.
- [a janitor catches them]
- Janitor: Excuse me! Who are you guys? This is not your office.
- Troy Barnes: I can explain.
- [Beat]
- Troy Barnes: Let me explain.
- [Annie runs up behind the janitor and knocks him out with a chloroformed rag]
- Troy Barnes: Oh my God.
- Annie Edison: I didn't know what to do.
- Troy Barnes: Oh my God.
- Abed Nadir: I usually have one foot out of reality. Even I'm freaking out right now.
- Troy Barnes: You chloroformed the janitor?
- Annie Edison: Stop yelling! You're the ones who got caught!
- Troy Barnes: You're the one who's yelling!
- Annie Edison: We're in trouble! We have to do something!
- Troy Barnes: I don't know what to do! My whole brain is crying!
- Alan Connor: What brings you to Greendale?
- Jeff Winger: I'm a teacher. Wait, that's worse than the truth. I'm a student.
- Alan Connor: If they gave away awards for mind games, the statue would be Jeff Winger doing it to a brain.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Come on, Jeff's bush league. I gave seminars on manipulation. I can reach into a man's soul and unravel it with one tug.
- Alan Connor: Cool. Hit me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're bald.
- Alan Connor: So are you.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'll kill you, you...!
- Jeff Winger: I'm distracted watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek, he didn't garner wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Bad-ass.
- Ted: I'll tell you what Jeff: you're the best liar I ever employed. If you can look me in the eye and tell me you actually like Alan, I'll make him a full partner.
- Jeff Winger: Well, I only ever really liked one person: my mom. She liked my dad. And after all the dust and custody was settled, the guy I really admired - not liked, admired - was the lawyer leaving the courthouse in the great looking suit and the sky-blue Mercedes SLK.
- Ted: [nodding] Sweet ride.
- Jeff Winger: Sweet job. Sweet life! He didn't care, he couldn't care! And the less he cared, the better he was. We are a special breed because we rise above the sloppy stuff and look at the bottom line. You want to like your employees? Open a hair salon. You want to win? Make Alan partner.
- Jeff Winger: All right, let's do it.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff can't go. He has class.
- Alan Connor: Well, those cargo pants would suggest otherwise. Heh, heh. What has this place done to you?
- Jeff Winger: You have no idea.
- Buzz: [Puts a hat on Jeff] Hat club!
- [and runs off]
- Jeff Winger: Now you have some idea.
- Shirley Bennett: Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?
- Jeff Winger: Hell, no. That guy is useful to me. Thanks to you, I've got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner. That is the place I want to work. But I prefer to hang out with cool people. People so cool, they care.
- Troy Barnes: What does Alan have that we don't?
- Pierce Hawthorne: A butt for Jeff's wiener.
- [snickers]
- Pierce Hawthorne: I mean, we all have butts too. We have butts, just not for the same thing. I'm trying to say they're gay.
- Jeff Winger: Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
- Troy Barnes: Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt is just yogurt?
- Jeff Winger: You know what a therapist calls this kind of relationship?
- Pierce Hawthorne: A gold mine.
- Jeff Winger: Codependent.
- Jeff Winger: [Jeff hiding his face with his hand] See that guy over there? The one wearing the Gucci suit in a lightweight woven wool-mohair? We used to work together.
- Abed Nadir: [quietly] Cool. So he's from your origins?
- Jeff Winger: [quietly] This is all I need.
- Abed Nadir: [calls out to Alan] Excuse me, sir. You're all my friend needs.
- [Jeff glares at Abed]
- Abed Nadir: Your mouth isn't curved upwards. Did I misread something?
- Britta Perry: In other words, we're not cool.
- Jeff Winger: I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it. It may be true, but I never said it.
- Abed Nadir: Alan is to Jeff what Rob Lowe is to James Spader in 1990's Bad Influence.
- Shirley Bennett: He's a bad influence.
- Abed Nadir: You saw it?
- Britta Perry: [study group, at the invitation of Alan, joins law firm party] God, it's a sea of Wingers. This whole place reeks of moral ambiguity.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Actually, that was me. I apologize.
- Ben Chang: Word on campus is Winger's too busy hanging with his cool lawyer friend.
- Britta Perry: [Britta tugs at the collar of her shirt and in a cartoonist voice] Slow news day.
- [Annie and Troy look confused]
- Ben Chang: That's your Carson?
- Britta Perry: Jon Stewart.
- Ben Chang: You depress me.
- Alan Connor: You should visit the office.
- Jeff Winger: Right. I can't show my face there after getting busted like that.
- Alan Connor: Jeff, you know what lawyers call someone who defrauds the state bar, cheats on his LSATs and cons his way into a firm? Best lawyer ever.
- Abed Nadir: [Troy walking past the tunnel Abed painted on the library] Psst! Troy, it's me.
- Troy Barnes: Abed?
- Abed Nadir: I made it through. I'm a cartoon now.
- Troy Barnes: That's impossible.
- Abed Nadir: Nothing's impossible in here. Animals talk, your heart is shaped like a heart and the smell of pie can make you float. You have to believe, Troy.
- [Troy prepares to run into the cartoon tunnel, Abed reveals himself]
- Abed Nadir: Wait, you don't have to believe.
- Troy Barnes: I didn't. I didn't.
- Abed Nadir: I may have done some damage there.
- Alan Connor: I don't know how you did it, man, but you're looking at the firm's next partner. If I wasn't actively repressing my bi-curiosity, id kiss you on your beautiful mouth.
- Jeff Winger: Is it me, or is this campus getting more cartoonish every day?
- Abed Nadir: Yep, it's exciting. I painted a tunnel on the side of the library. When it dries, I'm going for it.
- Jeff Winger: You're right. He's a bad friend, but he's a good lawyer. I appreciate you guys caring, but you have to understand that I don't. Caring is lethal around here. It's a disease. You guys have it. I don't. So if you do care about me, don't infect me. Now go win that pop-and-Iock-a-thon. I'll see you Monday.
- Shirley Bennett: It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers. But what more can we do?
- [Annie soaks a rag in chloroform]
- Troy Barnes: [Troy takes chloroform and rag from Annie] Would you stop?