Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Alone in the Dark (2009)

Noah Antwiler: The Spoony One, Dr. Insano

Quotes 

• The Spoony One : It's like he's taunting us with how bad he is. Like he can post anything he wants and yet somehow he'll still stay rich. Only in America.

  Nostalgia Critic : And yet, ironically, Uwe is German.

• The Spoony One : So one of the kids escapes from the evil experiments and runs to the safest place he can think of: a high voltage electricity box.

  Linkara : But it's okay, he's saved by a flash forward to the future.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh no, he grew up into Christian Slater.

• Christian Slater as Edward : So maybe you're thinking I'm an asshole, scaring that kid for no reason.

  The Spoony One : No, we think you're an asshole for a lot of other reasons.

• Christian Slater as Edward : You don't have to believe me.

  Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One , Linkara : Why start now?

• The Spoony One : So we get to a scientist named Aileen played by Tara Reid. How do we know she's a scientist? Well because she has glasses of course. And as we all know, any woman who wears glasses is either a scientist or an adventurous librarian.

• Linkara : But his monologuing doesn't last long as he's interrupted by Aileen dropping by his place. Perhaps she's come to share some info or figure out why he lied about being dead or...

  The Spoony One : [Edward and Aileen start making out]  Or maybe she's just a whore.

  Linkara : What kind of woman acts like this? Breaks into your home and just starts making out with you. Granted, I wish more women acted like that, but this is really pushing it.

• Stephen Dorf : I got a feeling this is just the beginning.

  Nostalgia Critic , Linkara , The Spoony One : Awwww!

  The Spoony One : How long is this movie?

  Linkara : This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet no plot at all.

• Linkara : So now with the monsters blown up, everything is fine, right? Noooooo. For it turns out some other group of monsters that was never explained or shown to us attacked the city while they were fighting in the cave, resulting in a complete evacuation of the entire city, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Wow! That's a LOT to buy, movie. That is a LOT to buy.

  Nostalgia Critic : One night? They evacuated the city in one night? Holy fuck balls is this stupid.

  The Spoony One : And you know what makes it really tragic is that everyone in the city had just two days left 'til retirement...

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up.

• Nostalgia Critic : How did you get in here?

  The Spoony One : I'm from the future.

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  The Spoony One : Just kidding, I broke in.

• Narrator : The Abkani believed there are two worlds on this planet: a world of light and a world of darkness.

  The Spoony One : The Abkani were kinda stupid that way.

• Nostalgia Critic : [robotic computer voice]  We loves Edward. We loves him so much. Oh, we hates Edward. We hates him with all our...

  The Spoony One : No, no, Critic, it doesn't work unless you actually have the Gollum voice.

  Nostalgia Critic : My precious.

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark with a group in the daylight?

  Linkara : Sounds great.

  The Spoony One : Totally looking forward to it.

  Nostalgia Critic : Goody.

• The Spoony One : I guess Stephen Dorf was right, she really would be okay.

  Nostalgia Critic : Nobody associated with this movie is okay.

• The Spoony One : So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out bullets are just like Milk Duds being thrown at him.

  Linkara : [Edward now shoots him in the leg]  Yes, because it worked so well the first time!

• The Spoony One : And it probably doesn't help that every single one of these soldiers has just two days until retirement.

• Sam : Not alot in common except they all grew up at the same orphanage.

  The Spoony One : Oh is that all? Just from the same orphanage? That's like saying, "oh, they have nothing in common except for that one huge thing they have in common."

• The Spoony One : [about the long narration text scroll]  This isn't a bill for health care, just get to the freakin' action already!

• Linkara , The Spoony One : [to the tune of the Star Wars theme]  Boring. This is so boring. This is so boring. Get to the show.

• The Spoony One : [enters from off-screen]  Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for years.

• The Spoony One : So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent old nun who ran a lovely little orphanage where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments.

  Linkara : Wait, what?

• The Spoony One : Be careful! Jesse Ventura has been known to kill people.

• Aileen : If you wanted somebody to build a puzzle, why would you hide the pieces so far apart?

  Linkara , Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One : Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!

• The Spoony One : Well it appears that you have... oh, a cut scene. I'll tell you later.

• Nostalgia Critic : There, it's over. Now leave.

  The Spoony One : Oh, but I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead.

  [NC slaps him] 

  Linkara : Remember to buy Revolution of the Mask.

  [NC pokes him in the eyes] 

  The Spoony One : What about Dungeon Seige?

  [NC slaps him] 

  Linkara : Hey, you leave him alone.

  [NC hits him] 

  The Spoony One : I got BloodRayne.

  [NC pokes him] 

  The Spoony One : BloodRayne 2.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Linkara hits NC with his hat]  Pick five.

  [slaps Linkara] 

  The Spoony One : Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed.

  [NC hits both of them] 

  The Spoony One : Alright, Critic, it's on!

  [NC is tackled by Spoony and Linkara] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

• Linkara : How much text is in this movie?

  The Spoony One : It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.

• [repeated line] 

  Linkara : Unless, of course, that man was...

  Linkara , Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One : Chuck Norris!

• The Spoony One : As of wearing glasses makes you look any smarter.

  [Linkara and Critic, who both wear glasses, stare at him] 

  The Spoony One : I need glasses.

• Christian Slater as Edward : Seems all the pieces fit together.

  The Spoony One : [imitating Aileen]  Oh, is that what you call what we just did? I mean, I slapped you after we hugged. You don't even wanna know what I'm gonna do after we've had sex. 'Cha.

  Linkara : 'Cha.

  Nostalgia Critic : Chaw.

• The Spoony One : Uh oh, Uwe Boll's turning the light switch on and off again, that must mean there's danger nearby.

• The Spoony One : This gets the attention of the agency of paranormal investigations, Bureau 713, filled with the most attractive people that GQ can afford.

• The Spoony One : So long, rare white cab driver guy.

• The Spoony One , Linkara : [chanting]  Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding.

• The Spoony One : What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?

• The Spoony One : [imitating valley girl]  Okay, yeah, don't-cha know, like everybody knows about the Abkani.

  Linkara : It was all over MTV News last week.

  Nostalgia Critic : For sure.

• Linkara : We see Slater trying to walk away from the plot, when he has a sudden suspicion like he's being followed. And... he's not.

  The Spoony One : Huh. You know, from the way they were shooting, I could have sworn he was being followed.

  Linkara : Nope, he's just walking home with no conflicting obstacles whatsoever.

  The Spoony One : Huh. Kinda pointless, really.

  Linkara : Yep.