Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Quest for Camelot (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Spider Smith, Gary Oldman

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : JUST... EX... *PLAAAAAAAAAIN*!

  [as he roars this, a huge explosion occurs that destroys the entire city] 

• [from the movie] 

  Bladebeak : You've got to ask yourself: do I feel clucky? Well, do ya, punk?

  [Nostalgia Critic is twitching like crazy] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Sorry, I'm going for two!

  [explodes] 

• [repeated line] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Explain, movie, EXPLAIN!

• Nostalgia Critic : You know what, I want an answer. I want an answer right now and not only do I want an answer, I want it answered by the nicest, most innocent being I can think of: Mary Poppins. That's right, Mary Poppins is going to be my representation of this movie. So tell me, Mary Poppins, how do you explain this bullshit that we just witnessed?

  Mary Poppins : First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah?

  Mary Poppins : I never explain anything.

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck you, bitch!

  [fires gun, blows Mary's head off] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God! Oh my God, I just killed Mary Poppins. I just killed my first childhood icon! Good lord, this is what this movie's done to me!

• Nostalgia Critic : Say, have you ever wanted to see Cary Elwes, Gary Oldman, Urkel, Gabriel Byrne, Pierce Brosnan, Balki from Perfect Strangers, Jane Seymour, that chick from Heroes, Don Rickles and Eric Idle in a movie together? No! Nobody wants to see that, but they did it!

• Young Kayley : One day, I'll be a knight like father.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well you better work on growing that penis, honey. It's the dark ages. It sucks for everybody.

• Nostalgia Critic : Are those really the images that come to your mind when you hear this song? If so, you are FUCKED!

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, shut up! Does everybody have to sing in this movie?

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, and in answer to your question earlier, honey, about what a damsel in distress is, it's a stupid female who knows how to take care of herself but yet constantly has to be rescued. In other words: YOU!

• Nostalgia Critic : So, what? We're just gonna move forward like nothing happened? Those two dragons just sung a three-minute song and you're not even going to acknowledge it?

• Nostalgia Critic : [responding to Ruber singing]  Okay, is he just making up this song as he goes? Seriously, I can't even catch the melody. Come on, the "Whose Line Is It Anyway" hoedowns sound more rehearsed than this. And those were improvised!

• Nostalgia Critic : [thinking how Kayley looks a lot like Belle]  Okay, okay, maybe I'm being too critical, I mean... Maybe she just looks like her.

  [he then plays clips from "Quest For Camelot" and "Beauty and the Beast", showing that Kayley and Belle look more than suspiciously similar] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's not like both run through the fields with their arms open, feed animals at a farm nor sing a song about wanting more out of life and being stuck in an environment that doesn't welcome her free spirit...

  [pauses briefly as he realizes this] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, wait, YES, THEY FUCKING DO!

• Ruber : Oh! Th-the-the GIRL!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Ruber]  I took screaming lessons from the villain in "Warriors of Virtue!"

  [gibbers] 

• Farmer : [hearing a horn in the distance]  Excalibur! It's been stolen!

  Nostalgia Critic : I should know. I speak... horn.

• Nostalgia Critic : Anyway, while that's going on, Kayley escapes in probably the most improbable way possible: The guard just lets her go... Really? You couldn't come up with a better reason than that? How distracted are these guards?

  Nostalgia Critic : [as the guard]  Now we got ya! We're never gonna let you go and...

  [looks at his hand and gasps] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I HAVE HANDS!

• Nostalgia Critic : A medieval time's restaurant has more dignity than this piece of shit.

• Ruber : The ogre's butt.

  Nostalgia Critic : Did he just say 'the ogre's butt?'

  [the line is repeated] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OK, that's not a sentence, that's a noun. That's not even a good noun! In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should've known this movie was going to suck: when he had to just say the line 'The ogre's butt!'

• Nostalgia Critic : [sees adult Kayley]  Hi, Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Fancy your image being shamefully ripped off here. I mean, my God, they're not even trying. It's Belle. It's fucking Belle!

• Nostalgia Critic : These songs have no purpose! They're like drive-by musicals! If you wanna come singing, fine, but make sure they have a point. Well, are, you know, fucking entertaining!

  Cornwall : How about holding your breath?

• Garrett : You deliver it. I... I don't belong in that world.

  Nostalgia Critic : What do you mean you don't belong? You're incredible. You see better than how most people can see. In fact, are you even blind? No, this makes no sense. You don't belong in a world with cozy houses, comfy beds and guaranteed security, but you do belong in a world of killer plants, giant monsters and dragons that can fucking eat you? Hello! You're not hard of hearing. Just listen to a good opportunity and take advantage of it, you... MORON!

• Spider Smith : Spiders!

• Nostalgia Critic : Let's take a look at this medieval blast from the ass and see why it should have stayed in the dark ages.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know what you need to do, Dr. Smith?

  Spider Smith : Does it involve spiders?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, you need to be diabolical. Actually fool people into thinking you're a kind, gentle, caring person. You think you can do that?

  Spider Smith : [thinks for a moment]  I think the boat sort of sailed on that one.

  Nostalgia Critic : Alright, well don't bother me anymore. I got a review to do.

  Spider Smith : Wait, there is one more important thing. It's imperative that you must know!

  Nostalgia Critic : What? What?

  Spider Smith : Spiders!

• Spider Smith : I want to seize power and control with a legion of spiders.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I guess we'll ignore the giant elephant in the room a while longer.

• Spider Smith : Did someone question my subtle acting?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on, Dr. Smith, you're about as subtle as a fucking train wreck.

  [pause] 

  Nostalgia Critic : On a boat.

• Nostalgia Critic : That's right, everybody is totally and permanently healed, except for the blind guy. Hey! What the hell? Give the fucker his eyes, you bastards. What, was saving everything that could possibly be saved in this movie just not enough for you? Excalibur's a butthole.

• Nostalgia Critic : Hi! Remember me? I'm the audience. You wanna fill me in on what the fuck's going on?

• [when Cary Elwes' character starts singing and he is noticeably dubbed] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Dah! Who's voice is that? Cary Elwes suddenly transformed into Clay Aiken.

• [Kayley puts a leaf on Garrett's wound which is suddenly healed by the leaf that evaporated into his skin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait, wait... No. No. You can't get away with that, movie. You need some explanation. How did a leaf evaporate into his skin and just magically cure him? NO! NO! That does not happen, movie! That just does not happen! Unless you, oh, I don't know, EXPLAAAAAAAAIN!

• [during a song number in the forest and the plants are moving] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, wait. How can the plants move? Wha... leaves are flying? What is this?... This is Camelot, not fucking FernGully! How the fuck are they able to do this?

• Nostalgia Critic : If any of those knights are Richard Harris, I'm getting the fuck out of here.