Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Star Wars Holiday Special (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Luke Skywalker : If he's not there, he's way overdue.

  The Nostalgia Critic : Well, that just perms my hair!

• Nostalgia Critic : This is wrong. This is a holocaust of wrong.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, when you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these walking dog anuses all day.

• The Nostalgia Critic : [weeping]  I'm sorry, Bea. I like your place. It's a nice looking place.

• The Nostalgia Critic : So finally after that long, drawn-out horseshit is over, what do they cut to next?

  Announcer : Time now for Life on Tatooine.

  The Nostalgia Critic : [screams]  GOOD GOD! Just stick to the fucking story! What, do you have ADD? What, did other script sections get mixed in with this one? Just stick to one fucking premise so we can get this over with! GOD!

• Saun Dann : [speaking quick]  Malawillyoucomeinthekitchenandhelpme!

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Saun Dann : Malawillyoucomeinthekitchenandhelpme!

  Nostalgia Critic : Isn't that Hawaii's way to say Merry Christmas to you?

• The Nostalgia Critic : [unable to understand what the Wookies are saying]  What do you think the script for this looked like? Do you think it actually explained any more about what's going on? Believe it or not, I actually have a copy of the screenplay right here. Let's see what it says.

  [looks at script for the show; the script simply says that the Wookies say "Roar!"; the Critic throws script down] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : [bellowing]  DO SOMETHING!

• Nostalgia Critic : [sees C-3PO]  As if this special weren't already gay enough.

• Santa Christ : Now hold still.

  [places his hands on Critic's chest] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What'd you do?

  Santa Christ : I just cured your diabetes.

  Nostalgia Critic : I had diabetes? I didn't even know I had diabetes.

• Nostalgia Critic : Help me, Santa! Help me, Jesus Christ! Help me... Santa Christ!

• Nostalgia Critic : Santa Christ has a rocket ship?

  Santa Christ : And a Harley.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, you kick ASS!

• Nostalgia Critic : Aw, why can't we see Grandpa's hands?

• Nostalgia Critic : So if you thought this special couldn't possibly get any more boring, Harvey Korman, pretending to be a robot, I guess, demonstrates how to put together a transmitter. And yes, they show you every... single... solitary... STEP!

• The Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...

  [jumps up, runs out of the room, runs out the front door, trips and falls in the driveway] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : I can't escape it, can I? I have to go through with it, don't I?

  [whimpers] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : Alright, here we go. The Star Wars Holiday Special.

• Nostalgia Critic : [monotone]  Do you have a video showing you how to make a goddamn Christmas special? Because that's the one you goddamn need.

• The Nostalgia Critic : This special has never been re-aired and to this day, George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. So to recap, this is the guy who said this

  [Jar Jar Binks] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : is okay and this

  [Howard the Duck] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : is okay, but this is the project that he was personally ashamed of. I'll go over that again: Okay

  [Jar Jar] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : Okay

  [Howard the Duck] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : Personally ashamed of

  [Holiday Special] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now.

• The Nostalgia Critic : What was the intended age group for this special? Ages dead to 1?

• The Nostalgia Critic : So after... SIX minutes of nothing but that song, we finally get to see some action packed, laser shooting, sci-fi adventure with our main heroes... in cartoon form. God, I would punch this special in the NADS if I could!

• The Nostalgia Critic : [listening to Chewbacca's family roar incessantly]  Oh my god, we're gonna have to listen to this throughout the entire special, aren't we? If you thought Chewbacca's roar got annoying at times, try a fucking choir of it!

  [roaring sounds continue] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : Well, I do believe that... Yeah, my ears are bleeding. Thank you, special, my ears are bleeding. Five minutes in, ears bleeding. Thank you.

• [the "Big Lipped Alligator Moment" icon pops up during one particularly nonsensical scene] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : Don't use that. If you point them all out, we're gonna be here all night.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Imperial officer]  Ve hear you've been hiding Jewish Ewoks.

• Nostalgia Critic : You're so gosh darn wonderful.

  Santa Christ : I know, ho ho ho.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh no, not a cheesy Life Day song!

• Princess Leia : That Imperial patrol must be giving them more trouble than we bargained for.

  The Nostalgia Critic : [mimicking]  Good thing I'm the leader of a club that's made for you and me.

• The Nostalgia Critic : The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors be in it; no, they got the whole freaking cast: Harrison Ford; Carrie Fisher; James Earl Jones. And not only that, it has *guest stars*, like Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, because like most people, when you think Star Wars, you fucking think Bea Arthur. This special has never reaired, and to this day, George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. So just to recap, this is the guy who said...

  [shows off images of Jar Jar Binks and Howard the Duck while saying] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : ... this is okay and this is oka, which means *this* is the project that he was personally ashamed of. Let me go over that again:

  [shows off images of Jar Jar, Howard and an screenshot of the Star Wars Holiday Special while saying:] 

  The Nostalgia Critic : Okay, okay, personally ashamed of. There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now. But, spirit of Christmas, I feel I owe it to you to give the audience a gift to review this heinous special.

• Nostalgia Critic : I have no idea what's going on. It's like watching the Star Wars prequels.

• The Nostalgia Critic : Have you ever noticed they never actually acknowledge what Life Day is? I mean, my guess is, it's a celebration of life, but what does that entail? What's the history of it? How long has it been around? It's not even much of holiday special if you don't explain the goddamn holiday!

• The Nostalgia Critic : [about the random cartoon segment]  The only thing that people really seem to remember about this cartoon is that Boba Fett, some character who got, like, a ton of popularity for some reason, actually made his first appearance here. But who cares? Everyone else looks like a McDonald's character, so it's not like his coolness factor is going to save anything.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Luke Skywalker looks somewhat different than usual]  Whoa, when did Skywalker turn into a Ken doll? I mean, look at him! He looks like a store mannequin. Was the twelve-year-old tomboy look just in at the time?

• The Nostalgia Critic : Ah ha ha ha ha... not funny!