- Dr. Hank Lawson: Graham, when was the last time you had your eyes checked?
- Graham Barnes: I think, uh... Gerald Ford was president.
- Dr. Emily Peck: You know, I've dated older guys. They all have the same issue.
- Hank Lawson: Yeah, they favor tights, pixie dust, fighting pirates...
- Dr. Emily Peck: So, what is the difference between Danish and Dutch, anyway?
- Hank Lawson: Denmark and Holland.
- Dr. Emily Peck: Close enough.
- Hank Lawson: [turning down an offer to be a fake boyfriend] Yeah, I think I'll pass. I'm not sure if your plan is flawed, misguided or "just kind of creepy."
- Evan R. Lawson: You know, my brother may, uh, reject indecent proposals. I tend to be a tad more progressive.
- Paige Collins: I want Hank, and I will pay you a finder's fee to convince him.
- Evan R. Lawson: All right. You are not gonna get Hank.
- Paige Collins: I tend to get what I want.
- Evan R. Lawson: You will never get it from Hank in a million years. Trust me, he's as stubborn as an ox.
- Paige Collins: Mule.
- Evan R. Lawson: Ox.
- Paige Collins: I see the family resemblance. Twenty seconds to win me over. Go.
- Paige Collins: Are you married? If not, are you dating or living with anyone? And, if you are married, why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?
- Hank Lawson: Uh...
- Paige Collins: Are you separated or just kind of creepy?
- [Graham asks why Paige went on a pretend date with Evan]
- Evan R. Lawson: Because Paige wanted to get her parents off her back and show them proof that she wasn't single.
- Graham Barnes: She HAS a boyfriend. Me.
- Evan R. Lawson: She didn't wanna alarm them.
- Graham Barnes: Because I'm... a photographer? An artist?
- Evan R. Lawson: No, I don't think it's so much what you do. It's more that you've been doing it for a really long time - like, longer than she's been alive.
- Graham Barnes: I'm older than her. Who cares?
- Evan R. Lawson: Her parents might, because you're probably older than they are, too.