George Burns: George Burns

Quotes 

• Harry von Zell : I'm great at character stuff! I'm what you might call a man-of-a-thousand-faces.

  George Burns : You couldn't be, or you wouldn't have picked that one.

• Ronnie Burns : I've, uh - I got a problem.

  George Burns : When'd you meet her?

  Ronnie Burns : Who?

  George Burns : The problem. When'd you meet her?

  Ronnie Burns : How'd you know I met a new girl?

  George Burns : Well, it's a new week, isn't it?

• Ronnie Burns : It seems that everything happens in this house. Last time I brought a girl home, Mr. Von Zell showed up with an Indian in full war paint. And another time, mother locked my professor in the closet!

  George Burns : Ronnie, if those things didn't happen in this house... we wouldn't have one.

• Gracie Allen : Any more questions?

  George Burns : Yeah, just one. Who's the man upstairs in his underwear?

  Gracie Allen : Any more questions?

  George Burns : No, I like that one. Who is he?

  Gracie Allen : Well, he's Colonel Bradley, a famous African hunter who spoke at our club meeting and I asked him to stay with us for a week.

  George Burns : For a week? Don't you think you should have asked my permission?

  Gracie Allen : Why?

  George Burns : I'm the head of the house.

  Gracie Allen : Oh George, I'm so relieved! You know, I thought you were mad at me, and here you are making jokes!

• Harry Morton : Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time you and your wife have ruined my marriage!

  George Burns : Harry, don't blame me for spoiling your happiness.

  Harry Morton : I didn't say "happiness." My marriage ruined my happiness and you and your wife are ruining my marriage!

• George Burns : A guest is just a host trying to get even.