- Troy Barnes: Oh, and for the record? There was an episode of Happy Days where a guy *literally* jumped over a shark. And it was the *best* one.
- Annie Edison: I can't believe I made it through my first year of college. I finally get to click send on so many I-told-you-so e-mails.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, it's pretty great. Not much could ruin today.
- Dean Pelton: [jumps out of the bushes] HI!
- Jeff Winger: Oh no, shoot. I forgot saying that summons him.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Yo, Goldilocks. Drop the smirk. I know about your grungy tumble, and I'm sure it was the highlight of your diary, but it was during a pit stop in something real.
- Britta Perry: You were the pit stop. He used you to numb the pain of not getting with me. Jeff needs a girl who doesn't just not wear underwear because Oprah told her it would spice things up. He needs a girl who doesn't wear underwear because she hasn't done laundry in three weeks. He's been to flavor country now. They should retire the table we did it on.
- Shirley Bennett: [spit-take as she passes by] Table?
- Dean Pelton: Miss Britta Perry!
- [applause]
- Britta Perry: Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go. I just won a contest for being hot.
- [on-stage, grabs mic and gasps]
- Britta Perry: Oh, wow. This is a huge honor. This may come as a surprise to you, but I've never actually won anything before.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, well, you still haven't. I'm just listing the nominees, so not a great time to get cocky. Okay. Christine Hollinsworth!
- [Light applause]
- Dean Pelton: [Michelle approaches Jeff] Britney Baker!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Dean Pelton: [Britta exits stage embarrassed and bewildered] Miss Danielle Harmond!
- [Applause]
- Dean Pelton: [Michelle kisses Jeff] Amy Sm...
- Britta Perry: [returns on-stage and grabs mic] Jeff Winger, do not get back with Slater. I love you.
- [gasps from the audience]
- Señor Chang: Psst, psst, Britta. Britta! Your lipstick looks better.
- Jeff Winger: More importantly, our very own Britta Perry, it turns out, has been nominated for transfer queen.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, that's nice!
- Britta Perry: What the hell is a transfer queen?
- Annie Edison: Like prom queen. You wear a sash, and there's a vote. If you win they put a crown on your head. And I am so jealous that I wanna murder you. Aren't you excited?
- Britta Perry: No. How did I get nominated?
- Shirley Bennett: Don't let it upset you, Britta. It's the last day of the semester. Nothing can ruin that.
- Dean Pelton: [popping up in the room] HI!
- Jeff Winger: Amazing. He's like an evil genie.
- Dean Pelton: Just spreading the news. Some folks say "transfer formal" isn't really rolling off the tongue, so we're just gonna call it the "tranny dance"!
- Jeff Winger: Much more Greendale.
- Professor Michelle Slater: You probably don't wanna talk to me.
- Jeff Winger: It's not junior high. We're mature adults, Michelle. We can talk.
- Professor Michelle Slater: I think I handled our breakup poorly.
- Jeff Winger: Before I respond to that, I'll have to take an extra-strength vitamin duh.
- [takes a fake pill and swallows]
- Jeff Winger: Duh.
- Professor Ian Duncan: You know, you don't actually have to lie on a sofa like it's a Woody Allen movie.
- Britta Perry: Thank you for telling me that in the last session, dumbass.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Now, look... there are bugs on the windshield of your mind you may never be able to squeegee, like a certain birthday party attended by a rather enterprising transient in a dinosaur costume. But there are other more recent streaks that you might yet be able to wipe clear, like your adolescent fear of being a so-called blow-up doll. I really think this nomination may actually help that.
- Britta Perry: So you think id feel better about myself if I got all sexed up, went over there, and really tried to be crowned queen of the dingbats?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Precisely.
- Britta Perry: Wow. Guess you really get what you pay for with free therapy.
- [rises from couch]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Ouch. That stung a little bit. Thanks.
- Britta Perry: [opens door to leave] Oh.
- Señor Chang: [disgustedly] Oh.
- Britta Perry: I'll save you some time. He listens to you talk for a year, then recommends a makeover.
- Señor Chang: Well, don't wear as much lipstick as you did on Valentine's Day. Your mouth looked like a coin purse.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know, Troy, uh, our study group... After all we've been through, we got to stick together. You, me, and Jeff and Rain Man and big boobs and medium boobs and black boobs... We're a family.
- Jeff Winger: I thought you left.
- Annie Edison: I couldn't go.
- Jeff Winger: What happened?
- Annie Edison: I guess, we were driving away, I finally started living in the moment and I realized that, in the moment, Greendale is where I belong. What are you doing out here?
- Jeff Winger: Oh, you know, Britta and Slater told me they loved me.
- Annie Edison: Really?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah.
- Annie Edison: What did you do?
- Jeff Winger: I ran away. I don't know. It's hard. Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my New Year's resolutions. She makes me feel like the guy I want to be. And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after the New Year's, when I'm back to hitting my snooze button and screening my Mom's phone calls. Back to who I really am. So do you try to evolve, or do you try to know what you are?
- Annie Edison: I don't know. I wish I could live two lives. One of me would go with Vaughn, one of me could stay here.
- Jeff Winger: One of me could be back with Slater, and the other could try it with Britta. Then we could all get together for some weird foursome. Um, I guess I gotta go deal with it.
- Annie Edison: Good luck.
- Jeff Winger: I'm glad you're staying.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Senor Chang... Greendale's foremost, if only, Spanish teacher. What can I do for you?
- Señor Chang: I am actually a student now.
- Professor Ian Duncan: [quietly] Oh.
- Señor Chang: But I was thinking, as a teacher and as my friend, um... if you could help me... cheat my way through school.
- Professor Ian Duncan: I have a counterproposal. How about... I point out to you that we've never actually been friends, then laugh at your very well-deserved misfortune? Let's just try that a second.
- [clears throat, begins laughing]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Good evening, Michelle... or may I say, "Meow-chelle"?
- Professor Michelle Slater: [talking to an obviously drunk Duncan] Who has your car keys?
- Professor Ian Duncan: They're in the taco meat. Now, what say you and I blow this pop stand and head off for a spot of slap n' tickle?
- [whispering]
- Professor Ian Duncan: I mean sex, in case the lingo hasn't made it to the States.
- Professor Michelle Slater: I think I'm probably leaving here with Jeff.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Really? I'm sorry, I just... just assumed that you two were done, since, uh...
- [clears throat]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Jeff and Britta did, uh, the Yankee Doodle. Oh, don't tell me that didn't make it to the States. It clearly originated here.
- Professor Ian Duncan: [drunkenly] Everybody sh... everybody close their faces. All right, he's got a lot on his mind. Leave him alone. Oka... I got it from here. My name is Professor Ian Duncan, and I would like to rap for you.
- Dean Pelton: No.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Drop a beat.
- [hip-hop music]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Uh-oh, uh-oh. My name is Ian Duncan, and I'm here to say / I'm going to rap to the beat in a rapping way / I've got a real big penis, and I drink lots of tea
- Dean Pelton: Oh, okay. Okay, okay. No, no, no, you know what, Duncan?
- Professor Ian Duncan: What?
- Dean Pelton: That's enough.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Why?
- Dean Pelton: You have a problem.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, I have a problem?
- Dean Pelton: Yes.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Who is it here who has a Dalmatian fetish?
- Dean Pelton: Oh, ok... okay. Well, that is a oversimplification, and you are suspended.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, come on.
- Señor Chang: Oh, not a teacher anymore. What's this?
- Professor Ian Duncan: A roll of quarters. Why? Funny question.
- [Ben makes a fist around the roll of quarters and punches Ian in the chin, then jumps on Ian's back]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, man!
- Dean Pelton: Friends, help me, friends! Help me!
- Professor Ian Duncan: He's on me! He's on me!
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know, Troy, uh... our study group... after all we've been through, we got to stick together. You, me, and Jeff and rain man and big boobs and medium boobs and black boobs... We're a family.
- Troy Barnes: What's your point?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I've been looking at your situation, and I'd like to make an offer.
- Troy Barnes: Okay... am I black boobs?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Senor Chang... is there a word in Spanish for someone who used to pretend to be a professor, but was a teacher, but wasn't actually a teacher, and he's now a student? Is there a word for that? Oh, if it was in Spanish, you wouldn't know, would you?
- [Ben draws back to throw a punch]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Ah, bup, bup, bup. Hit a professor, you'll get expelled.
- Señor Chang: I will find a loophole.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, good luck with that.
- Señor Chang: [whispers] Then I'll kill you.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Good.
- Jeff Winger: Dudley Moore.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Spray tan. I'd go easy on that punch if I was you. I've put in a little...
- Jeff Winger: [Troy groans] What's wrong with you?
- Troy Barnes: I'm sick. I don't know why.
- Jeff Winger: Have you considered the 60" diameter cookie you're eating?
- Troy Barnes: [scoffs] How can something that's delicious make me sick?
- [epiphany]
- Troy Barnes: Unless too much of a good thing... is actually a bad thing. My friendship with Abed is a giant cookie.
- Britta Perry: [to Shirley] Oh, get over it. I've seen you shake the Dean's hand. Who knows where he's been?
- Jeff Winger: [embraces Annie] We're gonna miss you.
- Annie Edison: Yeah, you're the one that didn't even want me in the study group.
- Jeff Winger: Come on, that's not true.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, none of us did.
- [Shirley elbows Pierce]
- Pierce Hawthorne: I say things others won't. That has value.
- Troy Barnes: Hey, man. How's it going? Uh... don't shoot the messenger, but everyone at this dance is kind of waiting for your reaction to all this.
- Jeff Winger: Look, I'm trying to think, okay?
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, that's cool. Take your time.
- [softly to Michelle]
- Troy Barnes: Hey, how's it going? You look great.
- [normal voice]
- Troy Barnes: Very fatal attraction.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Ah. Thanks.
- Troy Barnes: I'll do it. I'll move in with you.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Fantastic, buddy! Why don't you come over on Saturday? My tailor will fit you for a uniform.
- Vaughn: Your boyfriend just got offered a spot on the number-one community-college hacky sack team in the nation.
- Annie Edison: Oh, my God! Sweetie! Oh, my God. I'm assuming that's huge.
- Vaughn: Of course it's huge. Are you kidding me? I mean, you know, I'm not into the fame and stuff, but I could be the next Yngwe Mackadangdang junior.
- Troy Barnes: Why does Abed hate me?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What, are ya kidding? Look at him! He probably hates America.