- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: You know, I'm hooking up with this girl. Your girl's girl and her girlfriend's, girlfriend's girlfriend. Somebodies got to do it.
- Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: Do you know what gay guys do? They're not attracted to vagina. They're attracted to butt hole, ok?
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: Now I have Kristen and she brought her friend who just happens to be a hippopotamus.
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: I put the hippopotamus to bed then I take Christine or Kristen- pfft, whatever her name was- into the, uh, smash room and ummm... do you want me to say what happens next?
- Paul 'Pauly D' DelVecchio - DJ Pauly D: My girl had a very good night and um, I had a good night too and um, Vinny and Mike had a good night as well.
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: Clean the house, you dirty mutt!
- Angelina Pivarnick: Shut the fuck up! Say please...
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: You know what?
- Angelina Pivarnick: -Say please!
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: You know what? Please hit the fucking treadmill! Please!
- Angelina Pivarnick: Who are you to me? Who are you to me?
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: Maybe if you did something in the house, I wouldn't say nothing!
- Angelina Pivarnick: I do the dishes all the time in this house!
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: My ass! My ass!
- Angelina Pivarnick: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Shut up!
- Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: You know what? Don't even hit the treadmill. Hit the elliptical, it's better for you.
- Ronnie Ortiz-Magro: I'm definitely not a Saint. If I probably walked through a church right now, I'd fucking burst into flames to be honest with you.
- Ronnie Ortiz-Magro: I think I can talk my way out of the hole I've dug myself into. I mean, how bigs a grave, six feet? I'm probably like two and half, three feet down right now.