Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Waterworld (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Black Dog Bill

Quotes 

• [Commenting on the first scene between The Nord and The Mariner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm confused. Is he trying to establish himself as the arch-nemesis or trying to ask Costner out on a date?

• Narrator : The future: The polar ice caps have melted, covering the earth with water. Those who survived have adapted.

  Nostalgia Critic : Aw, great. It's a trailer for another Al Gore movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : But it turns out the drifter stole his plant and an evil band of water terrorists called the Smokers are out to get him.

  [the Mariner goes to push on a lever] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And now we see exactly what takes up the majority of time in this movie.

  [after the lever is pushed, the mechanics of the Mariner's raft become activated] 

  Nostalgia Critic : STUFF! Just... just STUFF!

  [More clips of the scene are shown accompanied by NC's voiceover] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ooh, look at that STUFF go! Have you ever seen so much STUFF happening at the same time? Ooh, now he's spinning some STUFF. That STUFF must be important, because that STUFF allows him to do this STUFF! Ooh, look out for that STUFF. Knock that STUFF over so you can pick up that other STUFF while you're busy trying to handle this STUFF. STUFF! STUFF! STUFF!

• Nostalgia Critic : I know prejudice is a staple of mankind, but you have an apocalyptic world underwater and a guy who can breathe underwater! FUCKING USE HIM! You shouldn't be putting him in a net; you should be treating him like royalty! He could solve, like, a bajillion problems in this world and you're treating him like a criminal? What's wrong with these people?

• The Mariner (Kevin Costner) : Can you steer?

  Helen (Jeanne Tripplehorn) : Can I trust you?

  Nostalgia Critic : Lady, you're on his boat! What's he gonna do, surrender?

• The Mariner (Kevin Costner) : It's better one of you dies now... than both of you die slow.

  Nostalgia Critic : Our hero, everybody! When he's not busy killing kids, he spends his time stealing from charities and burning down puppy farms. You got another hour and a half with this guy, folks!

• [the Mariner returns to the surface after the Smokers destroyed his boat] 

  The Mariner (Kevin Costner) : My boat.

  Nostalgia Critic : [monotone, imitating Costner]  You maniacs. You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.

• Nostalgia Critic : So we see that mankind has adapted into the Kevin Costner of blandness, Kevin Costner. We see him take a piss, put it through a machine and proceed to drink it. There's a fitting metaphor for this movie in here, but I can't quite figure it out. And just to give you an idea how boring Costner's acting is, just look at this scene.

  [a few shots of the Mariner's raft are shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's actually in these shots. He hasn't left the frame. He just leaves such a small impact on the audience that you can't even see him. That takes talent.

• Nostalgia Critic : So he knocks out the other drifter's boat and the Smokers catch up with the drifter and shoot him... which begs the question why they didn't just shoot Costner, but let's leave the small plot holes for the bigger plot holes.

• Nostalgia Critic : He reaches a city that sort of looks like a papier-mache toilet seat and sells a jar of dirt for a ton of money. He comes across Hulk Hogan's barber here as he's told about a map to dry land that apparently is tattooed on the back of a little girl.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, look, he's pulling that STUFF! If you start cutting that STUFF, that'll allow you to start swinging on this STUFF. Push that STUFF! Pull that STUFF! Look out for that STUFF!

• [after The Mariner has thrown Enola into the sea] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Once again, our hero, everybody! Tired of hating the Nazis so much? Why don't you try the main character of this film? There's plenty of jerk to go around.