Photos
Quotes
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[Mark looks at Dobby's Facebook profile]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Is this a bit like stalking? Stalking's a very loaded term, I prefer to think of it as extreme liking.
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line? Oh my God, my heart's racing, it's like when I bought my first 20-sided die.
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Jeremy Usborne : [has walked in on Mark and Gerard playing with action figures] Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.
Mark Corrigan : We're not, we're just arranging our models. With some noises.
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Gerard : Mark... what are you doing here?
Mark Corrigan : I could ask you the very same question, Judas!
Gerard : Well, Dobby didn't have anyone to come to the party with her, so I volunteered.
Mark Corrigan : How incredibly thoughtful, Brutus!
Gerard : Yes, well...
Mark Corrigan : You know very well that we had a deal...
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Can't think of another one.
[to Gerard]
Mark Corrigan : Double-Judas!
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Gerard : Dobby's got a boyfriend.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, God. Really?
Gerard : His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.
[to Gerard]
Mark Corrigan : So, what's he like?
Gerard : Graphic designer.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a £100,000 for a squiggle."
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Wish I was a graphic designer.
Gerard : And he drives an Audi.
Mark Corrigan : But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik!
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Wish I had an Audi.
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Gerard : Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Don't pull me into your filthy bathwater, I'm a player!
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Mark Corrigan : [Talking to Jeremy about sex] I don't want to hear about the bum Jeremy. I know for you it all revolves around the bum. You're like the Copernicus of the anus.
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Mark Corrigan : [sipping his tea] Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.
Jeremy Usborne : Er... no, we do.
Mark Corrigan : No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except...
[realises Jeremy has used the breast milk for the baby]
Mark Corrigan : OH!
Jeremy Usborne : Mark, relax.
Mark Corrigan : This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?
Jeremy Usborne : Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.
Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?
Mark Corrigan : Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!
Jeremy Usborne : Well, suit yourself.
[sips his tea]
Jeremy Usborne : Mmm, luxury milk!
[Mark grimaces]
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[In a fantasy wargames shop]
Gerard : Yeah, so I've been hanging out here quite a bit since I got made redundant. It's cool.
Mark Corrigan : Yeah, it is... cool.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : More like a honey trap for social retards. When the Normalo Nazis firebomb these places the geek race will be wiped out forever.
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Mark Corrigan : What are you doing back from your new job so early? Fired already?
Jeremy Usborne : I'm back so early because I have the coolest job in the world and Ben is the coolest boss in the world. I asked him when I should come in tomorrow and he said "whenever you can make it." His motto is "The work never starts."
Mark Corrigan : That's his motto? What's his annual turnover?
Jeremy Usborne : Who gives a shit? We don't make money, money makes us.
Mark Corrigan : What does that even mean?
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Jeremy Usborne : I'm gonna to light up a fatty and crack open my brand-new Xbox. Good luck with the regression session.
Mark Corrigan : Look, I'm sorry if in an infantilised world I've somehow ended up with the non-cool toys, but why exactly is arranging a model of the greatest liberal hero of the 20th century somehow less cool than pretending on a computer that you're a Russian pimp stealing imaginary cars?
Jeremy Usborne : I dunno, dude, I don't make the rules.
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Jeremy Usborne : Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.
Mark Corrigan : For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.
[Jeremy leaves]
Gerard : Did you ever actually, er...?
Mark Corrigan : Well, you know, on occasion.
Gerard : Corfu '06?
[Mark nods]
Gerard : It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?
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Gerard : It may surprise you to know, but the truth is until I was 26 I'd never been with a woman.
Mark Corrigan : Uh, yes, you do surprise me.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : You've been with a woman?
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Gerard : Look, nothing's going on, all right? We're just having a drink.
Mark Corrigan : I think you're doing a little more than that.
[picks up a bag of pork scratchings]
Mark Corrigan : No doubt once you've finished these and she's sufficiently high on E numbers, you'll try and supply her with another pork product whose name I don't think needs to be said out loud!
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Jeremy Usborne : It turns out, the website, it's really mainly about the merch.
Mark Corrigan : Merch?
Mark Corrigan : Merchandise. Ben says "I'm all about the merch. Cut me and I bleed merch." I can't believe I had him at my mercy in the hospital and I let him go. If I'd know he was such an arsehole I'd at least have given his tube a little waggle.
Mark Corrigan : Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution, which I guess is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.
