- Denzil: What? You just get engaged to a girl, and she comes across with the goods?
- Del Trotter: It's give and take, Denzil. In a week or so later, before she starts talking about lampshades, you let her see you drunk, she chucks the ring back at you. It's easy, ask him.
- [points at Albie Littlewood, who reacts]
- Del Trotter: You've had a lark, you've still got your ring. Next!
- DI Thomas: Last night, I had this strange dream.
- Freddie Robdal: You've been a widower for eighteen months, so don't feel bad about it.
- Freddie Robdal: I don't know what it is about prisons. Always seems to attract the worst kind... and criminals.
- Alberto Balsam: You see, Derek, boys and girls are different. And I know, I'm Spanish. The girl, she want to get married and have the babies. But, before the church and the wedding and the fighting, is the engagement, OK? Now, the girl, she doesn't want to lose her fiancee boy, because then no wedding, no babies, and she's ugly, so she want to keep him happy. And how's she going to keep him happy? The jiggy-jiggy, know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. It's give and it's take, Derek. Where I come from in Spain, us boys, we have this saying: "When the ring go on, something come off." Now you know what I'm saying!
- Freddie Robdal: Is Reg working?
- [Joan giggles disdainfully]
- Joan Trotter: He had a job but it only lasted a week. They caught him asleep on duty.
- Freddie Robdal: What was he doing?
- Joan Trotter: He was trolley-bus driver.
- [talking about Joan]
- Vi Trotter: She's got something the young people nowadays call the "baby blues". I had it with your dad. Oooh, I was moody and irritable.
- Del Trotter: Does it last long?
- Ted Trotter: [mutters] Thirty-six years so far.
- [Ernie Rayner has just made a Tannoy announcement at the cinema and doesn't realise that the microphone is still live]
- Ernie Rayner: Off you go Miss Turpin. Oh, and is that button fastened securely?
- [Ernie touches a button on Reenie's uniform near her breast]
- Reenie Turpin: [shouts] Get your hands off me, Ernie Rayner, you dirty old man!
- [shot of cinema audience listening to every word]
- Ernie Rayner: What's come over you, dear?
- Reenie Turpin: I'll tell you what's come over me. Your *hands* are what's come over me. You're like a sodding octopus!
- Raymond: Mr Rayner was just trying to adjust your uniform.
- Reenie Turpin: If he does it again, I'll simply adjust his knackers.
- Ernie Rayner: Raymond, she is obviously in the throes of the menstrual cycle.
- Reenie Turpin: I'll wrap a *motorcycle* round your head if you don't shut up! Get out of the way and let me sell this chemical crap to the punters.
- [everyone in the audience smirks as Reenie walks into the auditorium with a tray of ice cream]
- [at the dinner table, Joan tries out a French phrase that Freddie the Frog has taught her]
- Joan Trotter: J'adore un soixante-neuf.
- Ted Trotter: She all right?
- Reg Trotter: What's that?
- Joan Trotter: It's French.
- Del Trotter: Where did you learn that?
- Joan Trotter: At the flicks. A Brigitte Bardot film.
- Vi Trotter: What's it mean?
- Joan Trotter: I was told it means "I am enjoying this dinner".
- [Del is having dinner with Glenda and her family. Glenda's mother, Edna, is a French teacher]
- Glenda's Gran: What's this?
- Edna: It's coq au vin. Have you ever had coq au vin, Derek?
- [Del smirks because he thinks it means "sex in a car"]
- Del Trotter: No, this is the first time, Mrs Wilkins.
- Roger: We discovered it on one of our visits to France.
- Glenda's Gran: It's shit.
- [Del tries out the French phrase that his mother has learned from Freddie the Frog]
- Del Trotter: J'adore un soixante-neuf.
- [stunned silence]
- [Amita, whose parents are Indian, has just introduced herself to the Trotters as Del's fiancée]
- Vi Trotter: Do you ever wear Indian clothes, Amita?
- Amita: Only at family gatherings.
- [Vi is obsessed with knitting]
- Vi Trotter: I'm going to give you the *best* Christmas present you've ever had, darling. I'm gonna knit you a sari.
- Girl at Party: I'm not wearing a bra.
- Trigger: I'm not wearing a vest, but I'm not bragging about it.
- DI Thomas: You know, I was hoping that after all this time, your subconscious would let go of its little sea of memories. So let's give it another try, shall we?
- Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly: Shouldn't our lawyer be present?
- DI Thomas: Only if you're frightened of something.
- Freddie Robdal: We used to blow up German battleships, so you two dribblers couldn't make us jump in a haunted house.
- Freddie Robdal: Our lawyer was applying for bail first thing this morning.
- DI Thomas: I know. First thing this morning I called the magistrate, Mr Colinwood, and opposed your bail. I can't release two old sea dogs like you. First smell of the sea and you'll be sailing off to God-Knows-Where. So I'm sorry, boys, but it's jail, not bail.
- Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly: Oh, would that be ex-Commodore Colinwood? Late of the Royal Navy?
- Freddie Robdal: Commodore Colinwood who presented us with our Commendations for Bravery?
- [Long pause]
- DI Thomas: [Irate] Bollocks!
- [Slater has arrested Del and Jumbo for selling illegal LPs. Sergeant Foster dances to Brenda Lee in the station]
- Sergeant Foster: Yes, she's a very talented little lady. I mean, she can't sing, but she's very talented.
- Roy Slater: Yeah, I'm a big fan. Will this go down in my file, Sarge? As my first arrest?
- Sergeant Foster: No, it won't. You're a scabby little cadet and don't forget it. You keep your nose clean and pass your exams when you're eighteen, we might let you become a proper copper. 'Till then, bugger off.
- Reg Trotter: What's that racket you put on in there now?
- Joan Trotter: It's Johnnie Ray.
- Reg Trotter: What d'you wanna listen to that poof for?
- Joan Trotter: Don't call him a poof! He's deaf in one ear!
- Reg Trotter: At least he don't have to listen to it.
- DI Thomas: I'm looking forward to a nice, comfy Christmas at home, me.
- Freddie Robdal: Bet your wife ain't.
- DC Stanton: DI Thomas's wife died eighteen months ago.
- Freddie Robdal: Sorry to hear that.
- DI Thomas: Thanks, Fred. Not to worry. I didn't really like her.