Community (TV Series)

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2011)

Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Pierce forces his way into the game] 

  Abed Nadir : As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...

  Pierce Hawthorne : Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.

  Abed Nadir : In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?

  Jeff Winger : I wait fourteen turns.

• Pierce Hawthorne : I don't like being excluded, Jeff! Do you?

  Jeff Winger : Yes!

• Jeff Winger : Fine, Pierce, you win. Just kill us and end this.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, no. Killing's too good for you. Cast shape change on Duquesne.

  [Annie gasps] 

  Abed Nadir : What shape do you choose for him?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Fat.

  [drawn out] 

  Shirley Bennett : Pierce, stop it!

  Jeff Winger : [angrily]  Pierce!

  Abed Nadir : Abed: Duquesne starts gaining weight. How much?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

  Jeff Winger : [threatening]  Pierce!

  Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends.

  Neil : They asked me to come here.

  Pierce Hawthorne : You know why, right? I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil. Don't you know why Jeff Winger, of all people, led the charge on the Fat Neil feel-good committee?

  Jeff Winger : [emphatically]  Way over the line, Pierce.

  Pierce Hawthorne : I'll tell you why, because I was there.

  Jeff Winger : [flashback]  Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil.

  Pierce Hawthorne : That's right, Neil. Your new best friend, Jeff Winger, coined the name Fat Neil.

  Shirley Bennett : [scolding]  Jeffrey!

  Jeff Winger : Neil, look, before you respond, I can make it up to you. I'll find a fatter Neil.

  Troy Barnes : [weakly]  Huzzah.

  Neil : You made up Fat Neil?

  Jeff Winger : Someone asked where the restrooms were. You were standing by them, but you were also standing kind of near, uh, other Neil.

  Neil : So call him Skinny Neil.

  Jeff Winger : He's not that skinny.

  Neil : He's bald, he's black.

  Jeff Winger : I don't look at the world through that lens. I shouldn't be high-roading you. I'm the bad guy.

  Pierce Hawthorne : [self-satisfied]  You can all hang out in suspended humiliation and think about what you learned today. One, don't screw with me. Two, invite me to your crap.

• Jeff Winger : Pierce, you've made your point. You can ruin anything. Now come back and give Neil his sword.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Can't hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.

  Shirley Bennett : [scolding]  Pierce!

  Annie Edison : [disgustedly]  Oh, ew.

  Abed Nadir : You have successfully rubbed your balls on the sword.

• Jeff Winger : I run towards Pierce with my broadsword drawn and I attack...

  Pierce Hawthorne : [points at Jeff]  Time stop!

  Jeff Winger : Time stop?

  Abed Nadir : Draconis has tons of spells. The six of you are completely frozen and helpless.

  Troy Barnes : This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders.

• Jeff Winger : [Pierce shows up uninvited at the D&D session]  Pierce! What are you doing here?

  Pierce Hawthorne : How about you answer that question. What the hell is this little theme party?

  Shirley Bennett : We are... playing Dungeons and Dragons.

  Pierce Hawthorne : First of all, gay! Second of all, stupid! And thirdly... why was this a secret?