Christopher Titus: Neverlution (2011 TV Special)

Christopher Titus: Self

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

• Christopher Titus : And let's define 'terrorist organization'. A terrorist organization is an organization that scares you on a daily basis and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do on a daily basis?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : [laughing]  Glenn Beck, terrorist.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Nancy Grace? Fucking terrorist. And her plastic surgeon.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Yeah, that guy's a menace.

• Christopher Titus : The only news organization that's not a terrorist organization is the BBC.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : 'Cause you know what? The BBC's so cool, they can make the worst thing sound okay.

• Christopher Titus : I'm calling this, too: terrorism is over. There's no terrorism anymore. In 2001, Osama bin Laden got lucky with the World Trade Center. Since then, ten years, we had one guy try to light his shoes on fire, and another man tried to explode his underwear in first class.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : So I guess al-Qaeda is outsourcing bomb-making to Ringling Brothers now? And people go "What about the Times Square incident? What about the Times Square incident?" The Times Square incident was not a terrorist attack. It was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the car bomb. And I love that he locked the car bomb. Did he want someone to not get his iPod? Then he left the keys to the car bomb hanging out of the tailgate of the car bomb, and built the car bomb out of fertilizer that would not explode. I've been doing comedy twenty-five years, and I have NEVER been that funny!

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : So either Osama bin Laden's dead, or he's turned the family business over to his cousin Billy Bob bin Laden.