- Troy Barnes: [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!
- Vice Dean Laybourne: You could have lived the rest of your life in blissful ignorance and died a happy pansexual imp, but you wanted to feel power this year. Well, now you're going to feel my power as it surges downward from me straight through you from nostril to rectum now until the end of time... and that's... wassup.
- Dean Pelton: I forgot everything you said before "rectum!"
- Abed Nadir: Troy and I are living together.
- Shirley Bennett: Aw, that's nice.
- Troy Barnes: If you want to get us a gift, we're registered at Linens 'n Things.
- Abed Nadir: We have plenty of linens. We mainly want the things.
- Jeff Winger: Stop! Stop! Pierce isn't crazy. The table... Is... Magic. As someone who's been on the other side, I can tell you, it is a scary, lonely Chang-filled world out there. And sure, this group has sprouted some legs, but why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool? When the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time and the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart.
- Annie Edison: We're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, we have parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'm back.
- Jeff Winger: Sean Penn called, he said dial it back. Sean Penn is an actor...
- Professor Kane: I know who Sean Penn is! I've seen "Milk!" Now get out of my class!
- Troy Barnes: Britta, you've done enough, okay? Why don't you go start a ruiners' club? Oh wait, you'd probably just ruin it.
- Britta Perry: Well then, I'd be doing a good job because it's a ruiners' club.
- Britta Perry: You ruined my analogy.
- Professor Marshall Kane: I'm your professor, Dr. Marshall Kane, PhD. It took me 6,205 hours to get my degree, and I know, because I was only allowed in the library one hour per day at the San Vicente correctional facility while serving a sentence of 25 to life.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, Star-Burns, I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
- Star-Burns: Yeah! The human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?
- Shirley Bennett: [singsongy] No.
- Dean Pelton: I will not tolerate monkeys living on campus. If I wanted to run a monkey hotel, I'd install a banana buffet. I'd use vines as elevators, and I'd put tail holes in the bathrobes, and I'd lower all the shower knobs.
- Britta Perry: Okay, guys, let's get to biology on time. I don't want to be a screwup this year.
- Jeff Winger: Uh, Britta.
- [points out that Britta has a chemistry textbook]
- Britta Perry: Damn it.
- Jeff Winger: You know what's magic about this table? It magically keeps our books from falling on the floor.
- [Troy gasps]
- Dean Pelton: [air ducts rattling] What is that?
- Troy Barnes: It's probably the monkey that lives in the vents. I named him "Annie's boobs," after Annie's boobs.
- Annie Edison: Excluding Pierce is what drove him crazy last year.
- Jeff Winger: Wrong, being crazy drove him excluded.