- Damon Salvatore: Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.
- Damon Salvatore: Well, I guess I could rip out Dr. False-Accusation's throat. Or maybe her tongue. I could chew it up into tiny pieces and feed it to the squirrels.
- [imitates squirrel eating]
- Damon Salvatore: Hey, do you remember when we came back for Zachariah's funeral?
- Stefan Salvatore: Vaguely. Why?
- Damon Salvatore: Because if memory serves, he wasn't the first Founders' Council member killed that year, or even that month.
- Stefan Salvatore: Your point being?
- Damon Salvatore: I'm trying to remember what year it was.
- Stefan Salvatore: 1912.
- Damon Salvatore: So much for "Vaguely."
- Elena Gilbert: You know, you could show a little compassion about Bonnie.
- Damon Salvatore: [sighs] I know. You're right. Her and her mom must be really hurting right now. Should I send lasagna?
- Elena Gilbert: Ok, now you're just being mean.
- Damon Salvatore: I'm mean. You hate me. The Earth is back on its axis.
- Elena Gilbert: You know, if you keep pushing people away, you're going to end up alone.
- Stefan Salvatore: What do you want?
- Damon Salvatore: I was hoping we could hang. You know, a little brother bonding. I mean, I know we don't actually "hang out." We team up, we join forces, we activate our Wonder Twin Powers...
- Elena Gilbert: Okay, you're making all of this up.
- Dr. Meredith Fell: Am I? How would you know? You took pity on a borderline-alcoholic vampire hunter,
- [shakes her head]
- Dr. Meredith Fell: and you never even thought to look any deeper.
- Elena Gilbert: How could you do this to him? He didn't kill anyone, and you know it.
- Dr. Meredith Fell: You date vampires, Elena. It shouldn't come as a shock to learn that your guardian is a murderer.
- [turns, walks away]
- Damon Salvatore: So, let's just say Sage was killing everyone in 1912.
- [aims dart]
- Damon Salvatore: Who the hell is doing it now?
- [throws]
- Damon Salvatore: It's not that psycho, Dr. Fell. She's a woman. There's no way she could stab three grown men.
- [throws another dart]
- Rebekah Mikaelson: [catches dart before it hits the board] That's a bit sexist. A woman could easily kill a man. With the right motivation.
- Stefan Salvatore: You just, uh, don't give up, do you?
- Rebekah Mikaelson: [to Stefan] Why are you so grumpy?
- Damon Salvatore: He's on a master cleanse. Trying to be a better man and all.
- Rebekah Mikaelson: You know, you were a lot more fun in the '20s.
- Rebekah Mikaelson: You know, if I'm being honest, you didn't seem like much fun either.
- Damon Salvatore: I wasn't. The woman I was in love with, was stuck in a tomb, and she wasn't getting out for a hundred years. I wasn't having any fun at all.
- Rebekah Mikaelson: So, uh, tell me more about your old relatives. I heard they tore down half the woods to build this town.
- Damon Salvatore: Easy there, lushy-pants. It's been a hoot and a half, but it's boys' night, and you weren't invited.