- Vice Dean Laybourne: Have you heard the expression Room Temperature?
- Troy Barnes: Of course.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: This is the room. This is the Room Temperature room.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [eulogizing his father] Father, I'll never forget what you said to me on my first day of school. "Comb your hair, you idiot, you look Greek." I'll never know if that was true, but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, and I'm not. So, I win... and you can suck it.
- Troy Barnes: Dude just told his dead dad to suck it!
- Britta Perry: So edible!
- [sic, Oedipal, mumpsimus]
- Minister: You're the worst.
- Cornelius Hawthorne: These are your friends, Pierce?
- Shirley Bennett: Hello.
- [singsongy]
- Cornelius Hawthorne: Minorities, Jewesses, and the unseasonably tan?
- Britta Perry: That is inappropriate! And maybe you'll give that more weight since I'm "white."
- [waves fingers in spooky fashion]
- Cornelius Hawthorne: You've got a wide brow. What are you, Scandinavian?
- Britta Perry: Yeah, Swedish.
- Cornelius Hawthorne: [spits in disgust] Swedish dogs! Your blood is tainted by generations of race mixing with Laplanders. You're basically Finns!
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, my goodness, he's like the Abed of racism.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, since no one's willing to ask, what's going on with your hair?
- Cornelius Hawthorne: Ordinary toupee hair is harvested from the heads of the godless oriental. Solid ivory is the only way to be assured of true follicular purity, while still identifying myself as a man of means.
- Britta Perry: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.
- Shirley Bennett: You can excuse racism?
- Britta Perry: [shocked silence, shakes head and mouths "No"]
- Abed Nadir: Hey, where you been?
- Troy Barnes: I'm not allowed to say.
- Abed Nadir: Are you Superman?
- Troy Barnes: No.
- Abed Nadir: Would you tell me if you were?
- Troy Barnes: I'd tell everyone. I never understood why he cared who knew.
- Troy Barnes: Okay, I know I said I can't talk to you about what's going on, but I can talk to myself. Can you pretend to be me?
- Abed Nadir: [as Troy] I like football, but also I don't...
- Troy Barnes: Perfect.
- Jeff Winger: Listen up, Colonel Crypt-Keeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all I would have only lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you, you squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished. But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son from every crap dad that ever lived: So what? I'm done with you, he's done with you, the world is done with you.
- Shirley Bennett: I'm always nice to the gays. They may live in defiance of God, but I'd die before I let a woman touch my hair.
- Jeff Winger: Piercinald, please tell me you did not cancel your gay party because of your father.
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers, had someone explain them to me, and this is the way we're going.
- Jeff Winger: Sorry for killing your dad.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Don't blame yourself. He bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.
- Britta Perry: This is so edible.
- [She means Oedipal]
- Jeff Winger: Britta, you are gonna make a terrible therapist. And if you need to talk to someone about that, I don't recommend you.
- Randall: Excuse me, are you Pierce Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes?
- Pierce Hawthorne: At your cervix. Oh, sorry, I thought you were a lady.
- Abed Nadir: I don't really see the dilemma. Plumbing and air conditioning seem more or less identical.
- Troy Barnes: They're not--they couldn't be more or less identical.
- Abed Nadir: That was close, Constable Reggie. I thought those blorgons had us dead to rights.
- Troy Barnes: What on bitter earth do they want from us, inspector?
- Abed Nadir: The question's not what they want from us, constable. But when!
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, my... Even Bruce Vilanch?
- Jeff Winger: Especially Bruce Vilanch.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That is copyright infringement and defamation. I'm going to sue the pants off that lady.
- Annie Edison: I don't think that's a lady.
- Troy Barnes: And why do you want his pants off?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Shut up! I only wanted his pants off when I thought he was a lady.
- Jeff Winger: So you were attracted to him?
- Pierce Hawthorne: The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive.
- Shirley Bennett, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Britta Perry: Ooh!
- Pierce Hawthorne: That's not what I meant. Stop putting gay things in my mouth.
- [group laughs]
- Shirley Bennett, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Britta Perry: [group sings the Hawthorne wipes jingle] I got a pocket full of hawthornes, pocket full of hawthornes...
- Britta Perry: Oh, I see what's going on here! In my psych class I'm learning about this thing called the edible complex.
- [sic, Oedipal complex, mumpsimus]
- Britta Perry: All men have to kill their fathers so they can do something to their mothers. I haven't finished the chapter.
- Jeff Winger: What's that complex called where you're wrong about everything?
- Britta Perry: Huh, sarcasm from the man with the mother of all daddy issues.
- Jeff Winger: Whoa, double diagnosis. Save some for all those poor real doctors.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: But why kidnap you? Why put a sack over your head and drag you here in the middle of the night? Why is there an astronaut in the corner making paninis? Simple, we don't want you to tell anyone about this. And if you do, we don't want them believing you. Isn't that right, Black Hitler?
- Troy Barnes: I was put on this earth to do something else.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: [disdainfully] So you're going to be what... a plumber?
- Troy Barnes: No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either. Because they have to deal with poop. My decision for now is to watch TV with my friend.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Britta was right. You resent my father because you've got problems with your own.
- Jeff Winger: After "Britta was right," everything you said just sounded like a fog horn.
- Jeff Winger: You know what, I was wrong. I think you'll be a very good therapist.
- Britta Perry: And why is that?
- Jeff Winger: You nailed Pierce in that whole Oedipal thing. The guy's got some serious father issues.
- Britta Perry: Don't you think you may have had some Oedipal issues as well?
- Jeff Winger: Not really seeing the connection.
- Britta Perry: You literally killed a father.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.
- Britta Perry: Wow.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Gay-oh!
- [chuckles]
- Pierce Hawthorne: He... hey, what's going on with you bitches? Bitches is gay talk for friends.
- Troy Barnes: Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his t-shirt?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Not at all, I bought this. I'm a fan. Also, I'm a gay rights advocate.
- Abed Nadir: I think I can explain. Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating anti-Pierce. It happens all the time inspector spacetime.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, but anti-inspector had a funny mustache and was kinda rapey.
- Annie Edison: I don't think his positrons have been negatized.
- Abed Nadir: That's exactly what Constable Reggie said.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, I thought about it, and I decided a man should not be judged by what he does with a fellow man's butt.
- Jeff Winger: [quietly to Britta] Here's the kick.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Plus since that song came out, Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7%.
- Jeff Winger: And it's good.
- [Britta smiles in amusement]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yep, even had my own people mock up a design for a new product line. Hawthorne Pride Wipes. They may cost more, but they're gayer. And I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale. Here's a flyer.
- Shirley Bennett: Ooh! Greendale's first annual... gay bash.
- Britta Perry: Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open-mindedness.
- Annie Edison: Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.
- Pierce Hawthorne: People earning respect with money is the American way, Jeff. Not that my father would have agreed. It took a federal injunction to get him to sell these things to the Italians.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: Incredible, invisible, inbelievable things. We're an unseen, unknown, unvincible fraternity of craftsmen.
- [mumpsimuses]
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Reading his father's eulogy] Father, ill never forget what you said to me "on my first day of school. 'Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek.' I'll never know if that was true, but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, and I'm not. So, I win. And you can suck it.
- Jeff Winger: How old are you guys?
- Troy Barnes: The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!
- Vice Dean Laybourne: You're making a huge mistake, son.
- Troy Barnes: That may be, sir. But at least it's my mistake.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: It doesn't change the fact that it's a mistake.
- Troy Barnes: Doesn't it?
- Vice Dean Laybourne: No, it doesn't.
- Annie Edison: I hope Pierce doesn't really sue that lady-man singer. His life must be hard enough having to sew pouches in all his miniskirts.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know, we actually have a lot in common. We hate lesbians, we hate baggy pants, and I can't believe you guys are all bears fans.
- Randall: Super fans.
- Jeff Winger: So what brings you here? I'm assuming it's not for your son's party. Unless "segregationist mummy" is a gay fetish I'm unaware of.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Actually, uh, after discussing with my father, the party's off, and we're canceling pride wipes.
- Cornelius Hawthorne: Stand up straight, Piercinald, when talking to the lower classes.
- Cornelius Hawthorne: Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Father.
- Cornelius Hawthorne: We need to talk... *boy.*
- Jerry the Janitor: Hey, guys, I'm looking for Troy.
- Abed Nadir: Oh, he texted me. He said he's fine, but he couldn't say where he is.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, no, do you think he's been kidnapped? Usually it's one of the parents, and it almost always ends in murder-suicide.
- Annie Edison: Why are you smiling?
- Shirley Bennett: [mumbles inquisitively] I'm smiling?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Did you know that the Canadian Mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on the way out of the womb?
- Jeff Winger: That is definitely not true.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I don't know. I looked it up on the "wackapeediah."
- Jeff Winger: Piercinald, please tell me you did not cancel your gay party because of your father.
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers, had someone explain them to me, and this is the way we're going.
- Annie Edison: I thought you said Pierce's idea was dumb? Well that's before it was being oppressed by a...
- Britta Perry: A father?
- Jeff Winger: A homophobe! This isn't about fathers. This is about a long-suffering community with a constitutional right to wipe whoever and whatever they want.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, if you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?
- Britta Perry: This is so edible.
- [sic, Oedipal, mumpsimus]
- Jeff Winger: Britta, you are gonna make a terrible therapist, and if you need to talk to someone about that, I don't recommend you.
- Britta Perry: Hmm, is that how your dad talked to your mom?
- Jeff Winger: No, that's how he talked to your mom.
- Britta Perry: How does that make you feel?
- Jeff Winger: Shut up.