- Annie Edison: Don't look at me... If embarrassment were bountiful zinc deposits, I'd be Zambia.
- Jeff Winger: There's nothing to be Zambia about, Annie.
- Annie Kim: We refuse. I'll take the real victory.
- Professor Cligoris: A logical, effective, common sense move, Annie Kim. One which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself, a fundamentally symbolic organization founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!
- Jeff Winger: Listen, when you really hate someone the way you hate Annie Kim, or... when you feel the way I feel about you, the easy loophole through the creepiness and danger is to treat them like a child. "Chip off the old block", "You're the best, kiddo". It's a crutch. It's a way for me to tell you how important you are... from a distance.
- Jeff Winger: Wow, Annie. How progressive of you to have a multicultural evil twin.
- Pierce Hawthorne: An Asian Annie. Obama's America.
- Annie Edison: Her name is Annie Kim, and she's not evil. She's my friend.
- Abed Nadir: Didn't look like it.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, you seemed pretty competitive with her.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You be careful, Annie. They are ruthless.
- Britta Perry: [the group is shocked] What?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What? Not Asians. Women.
- Annie Edison: [Trying to smile] You know what's funny? This is so silly. Remember little Annie Kim from poli-sci? Boy, she just took my Model UN idea and just...
- [Annie holds up a flyer]
- Annie Edison: Pfft! Heh, heh, heh. She is quite the little go-getter.
- Jeff Winger: Wait, what? She stole your idea?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Sneak attack. That's just like--
- [the group stares at him]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Not women, Asians.
- Jeff Winger: Pardon me, Professor "Clig-oris." "Cli-goris?"
- Professor Cligoris: Either pronunciation is fine.
- Jeff Winger: Pierce.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'm offended you would single me out.
- Annie Edison: Did you read up on your country's info-packet?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yes. Somalia has 1,900 miles of coastline, a government that knows its place, and all the guns and wives you can afford to buy. Why have I never heard of this paradise before?
- Troy Barnes: I studied up on my country.
- [in a southern accent]
- Troy Barnes: Is it okay if we do accents, sugar?
- Jeff Winger: Troy, Georgia the country, not the state.
- Troy Barnes: [accent continues] That's right. Capital city Tbilisi, and former member of the Soviet Union. And we kindly request y'all mind your Ps and Qs.
- Professor Cligoris: Welcome to the world's first ever model U.N.-off.
- [applause]
- Professor Cligoris: You will each be scored on your U.N.'s ability to pass resolutions, follow procedure, and maintain order. The end goal, of course, total world peace. Any questions?
- Abed Nadir: Does two U.N.s mean there are two earths?
- Professor Cligoris: Uh, yeah. Sure, two earths.
- Abed Nadir: Parallel earths in different galaxies or identical earths in parallel dimensions?
- Professor Cligoris: The latter one.
- Abed Nadir: Well, what does that say about free will?
- Annie Edison: Abed! Professor.
- Professor Cligoris: Right, yeah, let's begin. Ready, set, peace.
- [gunshot]
- Jeff Winger: Uruguay agrees.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Uruguay sounds like "you're a gay."
- Troy Barnes: [continues southern accent] Backyard barbecue!
- Jeff Winger: Uruguay kindly requests that Somalia stop pronouncing it "you're a gay."
- Jeff Winger: But now you're becoming this mature, self possesed, intelligent young woman and I can't keep patting you on the head or talking down to you.
- Annie Edison: But I like how close we are. I don't wanna grow up if it means losing what we have.
- Jeff Winger: Well, tough, Annie. You have to grow up because the world needs more women like you. We can't keep doing this forever, kiddo?
- Annie Edison: Can't we?
- Jeff Winger: Wow, Annie. How progressive of you to have a multicultural evil twin.
- Pierce Hawthorne: An Asian Annie. Obama's America.
- Annie Edison: Her name is Annie Kim, and she's not evil. She's my friend.
- Abed Nadir: Didn't look like it.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, you seemed pretty competitive with her.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You be careful, Annie. They are ruthless.
- Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: [Gasps] What?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What? Not Asians.
- [scoffs]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Women.
- Sgt. Nunez: Hey! Who the hell do you think you are?
- Ben Chang: The badge says to serve and protect!
- Sgt. Nunez: No, it doesn't.
- Ben Chang: [reading badge out-loud] "How's... my... smile?" Oh, man. What the hell am I in charge of?
- Sgt. Nunez: See this garbage can? Students coming out of the library bump into it. You can serve and protect them from a nasty boo-boo.
- Ben Chang: What do I do if I see a crime?
- Sgt. Nunez: What a security guard does... call a cop.
- Sgt. Nunez: Where'd you even get these?
- [confiscates handcuffs]
- Ben Chang: Come on, let me keep them.
- Sgt. Nunez: No.
- Ben Chang: Please? I swear they're just for sex!
- Shirley Bennett: I'm proud of you for deciding on a major, Britta. I'd like to think the Lord heard my prayers about you, but you're still dressing like a streetwalker.
- Britta Perry: Yep, I'm getting serious. I got a backpack, I got a new notebook. Oh, I got one of those see-through yellow pens so I can do that thing where you color in the words..
- Shirley Bennett: Highlight?
- Britta Perry: Probably the backpack.
- Professor Cligoris: A logical, effective, common sense move, Annie Kim. One which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself, a fundamentally symbolic organization founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures.
- Annie Edison: Guys! Come on focus, like adults? We're gonna lose a point if we don't get through this!
- Troy Barnes: Get through it? It's almost a solid!