- Mike Baxter: If you want money, maybe you should do what other people do.
- Mandy Baxter: Get my own reality show. Dad, I'm trying.
- Mike Baxter: How about a part-time job?
- Mandy Baxter: [laughing] Job. Come on.
- [she stops]
- Mandy Baxter: Oh, my god. Are we poor?
- Mike Baxter: You are.
- [indicating himself and Vanessa]
- Mike Baxter: We're doing very well.
- Mandy Baxter: I still don't get why I have to have a job. it's so unfair!
- Vanessa Baxter: Oh, you're gonna be selling clothes. You love clothes, and you get to work at the mall. You love the mall.
- Eve Baxter: I think it's good you're getting a job. You treat dad like an ATM.
- Mike Baxter: Yes, and I'm not an ATM. You know how I know? I only speak English.
- Eve Baxter: [laughing, she and Mike high-five] That's a good one, dad.
- Mike Baxter: Ah, here's $20.
- Mandy Baxter: Whoa. Hey, why doesn't she have to work?
- Eve Baxter: 'Cause I don't need money. I've got everything I want.
- [handing the bill back to Mike]
- Eve Baxter: In fact, here, dad.
- Mike Baxter: I insist.
- Eve Baxter: Wouldn't even know what to do with it.
- Mandy Baxter: [storming out in frustration] Ugh!
- Eve Baxter: I'll take that 20 now.
- Mike Baxter: You earned it.
- Vanessa Baxter: Let's just hear what this guy has to say.
- Mike Baxter: You all heard what he had to say.
- Vanessa Baxter: What if I promise we won't do anything unless we're both on board?
- Mike Baxter: Oh, this is like we're not gonna buy a floral comforter unless we're both on board.
- Vanessa Baxter: It's not floral. It's paisley.
- Mike Baxter: Flowers that are shaped like sperm are still flowers.
- Vanessa Baxter: Are you gonna participate or not?
- Mike Baxter: Or not. I'll be in my office looking at Russian mail-order brides to replace you.
- Vanessa Baxter: Don't put me down as a reference.
- Kristin Baxter: We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt as an excuse to get frozen yogurt. You wanna come?
- Vanessa Baxter: Nah, your dad's out, and I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch some trashy show that he would just ruin by shouting "That would never happen".
- Eve Baxter: Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.
- Vanessa Baxter: So, what happened again?
- Mike Baxter: What aren't you getting here, honey? Our daughter thought I was a stalker, so she sprayed mace in my face, with... such speed and accuracy. I'm actually quite proud of you.
- Vanessa Baxter: You know, you, uh, you might have been right about the baby-proofing.
- Mike Baxter: I was right?
- Vanessa Baxter: Yeah. I know. I'm as stunned as you.
- Mike Baxter: It's bringing tears to my eyes, and I don't think it's just the mace.
- Vanessa Baxter: But you were wrong about the pizza delivery.
- Mike Baxter: Well, you were more wrong.
- Vanessa Baxter: What, are you keeping score?
- Mike Baxter: No. But if I was, it'd be 14-7.
- [first lines]
- Mike Baxter: Well, beautiful wife, beautiful night, great cup of coffee at the end of the workday.
- Vanessa Baxter: Nice.
- Mike Baxter: Couldn't be better.
- Mandy Baxter: [from inside the house] Dad!
- Mike Baxter: You never wanna get too happy. They sense it, then they just crush it.
- Mandy Baxter: I'm meeting Travis at the mall. Can I have some money for Java Jimmy's?
- Mike Baxter: Coffee? We got coffee right here. French press. Here.
- [handing her his mug]
- Mike Baxter: Taste Colombia's second-largest cash crop.
- Mandy Baxter: [taking a sip, she spits it out and dumps the rest into a flower pot] Ugh! God, that's horrible.
- Vanessa Baxter: Hey!
- Mandy Baxter: No. No.
- Mike Baxter: That was my coffee.
- Mandy Baxter: So can I have $20, or...
- Mike Baxter: $20 for a cup of coffee?
- Mandy Baxter: I'm a huge tipper. It's kind of my thing. I-I just feel so sorry for anybody that has to wear an apron.
- Vanessa Baxter: You ask me why I put rum in here? This is why.
- Vanessa Baxter: You sure about this?
- Mike Baxter: She's sixteen.
- Mandy Baxter: [leaving] I'm seventeen, dad.
- Mike Baxter: Seventeen. She should... she should think about getting her a job.
- Vanessa Baxter: Well, it's just easier to give her money.
- Mike Baxter: Well, we just can't be lazy with our kids. We're better than that.
- Vanessa Baxter: Are we?
- Mike Baxter: Why do I smell French fries?
- Kristin Baxter: Oh, that's the diner. I always smell like work.
- Mike Baxter: Well, thank god you don't work for a plumber.
- Mike Baxter: Certified baby-proofer? How is that a job?
- Vanessa Baxter: You don't think any job's a job unless it's your job.
- Mike Baxter: I'm just saying you don't need a professional to baby-proof. Don't want him in that little cupboard down there, you use one of these. It's called a rubber band. You move...
- [stopping]
- Mike Baxter: You hear that clicking? Huh?
- [Kristin shakes her head skeptically]
- Mike Baxter: Loop it a couple times around there like that... baby-proof. That's what your mom and I did when you guys were kids.
- Vanessa Baxter: Yeah, we only had to call Poison Control twice.
- Mike Baxter: Yeah. Once was your mom's potato salad.
- Vanessa Baxter: Oh, I'm so sick of hearing about that potato salad.
- Mike Baxter: I lost a quart of water that day.
- Vanessa Baxter: You never liked my mother.
- Mike Baxter: That's 'cause she tried to kill us.
- Ed Alzate: This new tracking device is great. It pinpoints your hunting dog's position and speed every five seconds. Look, the little bugger's moving pretty fast through the brush out back. Look at that. Look at that.
- Mike Baxter: Whose dog is that? And why is it coming in the building?
- Ed Alzate: Oh, yeah, you'll soon see he should be coming through that door in three, two, and...
- [Mike groans as Kyle runs in with a collar around his neck]
- Kyle Anderson: I'm starting to think you're only keeping me around for these humiliating jobs.
- Mike Baxter: Ed, Ed, Ed, this is the kind of stuff you get sued for, Ed.
- Ed Alzate: Come on, Mike. You know, hazing the new guy is a male rite of passage. Now, when I was a grunt in the service, they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.
- Mike Baxter: Big deal.
- Ed Alzate: The tree was on fire. They put it out with urine.
- Mike Baxter: Aren't you supposed to be at work?
- Mandy Baxter: Yeah, it's my lunch break. Hey, can you front me $500?
- Mike Baxter: [laughing it off] No.
- [leading her into his office and shutting the door]
- Mike Baxter: Get in there.
- Mandy Baxter: There was a workplace accident.
- Mike Baxter: What happened?
- Mandy Baxter: I accidentally used my employee discount to buy a lot of cute clothes.
- Mike Baxter: This isn't the right job for you.
- Mandy Baxter: That's so weird. That's exactly what my manager said.
- Mike Baxter: Why is there a van out front that says "Safe Havens"? Are we having an intervention?
- Vanessa Baxter: [sarcastic] You got me. I turned your office into a meth lab.
- Kristin Baxter: It's the baby-proofing guy. He's here for a consultation.
- Mike Baxter: I know who it is. It's that huckster from TV.
- Vanessa Baxter: [indicating he's in the other room] Shh! He's...
- Mike Baxter: I can't believe you'd invite him over here without asking me.
- Kristin Baxter: I made the appointment. And I brought home pie.
- Mike Baxter: You can't distract me with a... a very warm, delicious-looking pie.
- Mike Baxter: Ugh. That baby-proofer made a mess of everything. I'm gonna have to burn this house down and start all over again. There's no way...
- [Eve easily opens the drawer]
- Mike Baxter: I loosened it.
- Ed Alzate: Everything okay?
- Mike Baxter: Nah. They're baby-proofing my house 'cause of Boyd. I think somebody trimmed my fingernails while I was sleeping.
- Ed Alzate: Well, they should have painted them pink, too, because you're living like a lady.
- Mike Baxter: Come on. Don't start.
- Ed Alzate: Ah, it's too late. I've started.
- Vanessa Baxter: Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy. It says she's "slinging 'zas." What, is-is that code for something that makes me a bad mother?
- Eve Baxter: No clue. I-I don't speak "Mandy".
- Mike Baxter: It means I got her a job delivering pizzas.
- Vanessa Baxter: To strangers?
- Mike Baxter: [sarcastic] No, just to us.
- Vanessa Baxter: I mean, isn't that dangerous? Why-why don't you just get her the graveyard shift at a liquor store?
- Mike Baxter: 'Cause she's not old enough?
- Mike Baxter: Baby, delivering pizza's not dangerous. I did it as a kid.
- Vanessa Baxter: I thought we weren't gonna do anything unless we both said "yes."
- [pointing to herself]
- Vanessa Baxter: No.
- Mike Baxter: Why are you so against this?
- Vanessa Baxter: Because you were a boy. Mandy is a girl; an attractive teenage girl showing up at strangers' houses, one of which might... might have a cage in the basement.
- Mike Baxter: Your world view saddens me.
- Vanessa Baxter: The point is, we need to decide things together.
- Mike Baxter: Mm-hmm.
- Vanessa Baxter: And we went a little nuts with the whole baby-proofing thing. So, uh, if you're on board, I think we should just dial it back.
- Mike Baxter: What about Kristin?
- [off-screen, there's a loud rattling and banging]
- Kristin Baxter: Ugh! Mother-father! Nothing opens around here!
- Vanessa Baxter: I think she'll be okay with it.