House M.D. (TV Series)

Parents (2011)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.

  Dr. Jessica Adams : How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?

  Dr. Gregory House : It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. Guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.

  Dr. Jessica Adams : It's why I wanted to work with you.

• Dr. Gregory House : Makes sense. Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable, she used to measure their affection in hours. Chase's careerist dad, and alcholoic mom were so indifferent, he's visibly awash. Your turn, what did you screwed up parents do to screw up your view of parenting?

  Dr. Jessica Adams : They were good parents.

  Dr. Gregory House : That's an oxymoron.

• Dr. Chris Taub : I didn't tell him.

  Dr. Gregory House : Your heart said he needed to know. Your brain knew he's better off without it. Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller organ. That's why all parents screw up all children.

• Dr. James Wilson : Your biological father was a decent God-fearing minister. The man who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adam has parentally inflicted damage.

  Dr. Gregory House : You're trying to deflect.

  Dr. James Wilson : No, you are. You have to believe that every parent screws up every child or you were screwed out of a decent childhood.

  Dr. Gregory House : My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He probably would've taken all her kids to the playground.

• Dr. Gregory House : I'm going to say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on - not the ex-wife you cheated with. Because if the latter was prone to violence, you would've been scattered across various dumpsters years ago.

  Dr. Chris Taub : [Looking around to the rest of the team]  Seriously? No one wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture, we need a new topic.

  Dr. Robert Chase : [Pulling out his wallet]  What's the action on the ex-wife?

• Dr. Gregory House : As much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder would violate my parole.

• Monroe : You gonna test my urine or what?

  Dr. Gregory House : [House takes the sample and takes a sip]  Not diabetes.

  [to Chase and Taub] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Use cross platettes to try and find the patient some blood that's closer to his own. And get the real story on clown senior's death. Mom's hiding something. Good bet that it's medically relevant.

  [House drinks more of the sample] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Apple juice. Easiest way to fake a spike in blood sugar.

• Dr. Chi Park : Do you only like tests that involve the risk of death.

  Dr. Gregory House : There are some slower less conclusive test, but why take that risk?

• Sandy : Could you write me a fake prescription for insulin?

  Dr. Gregory House : The advantage of fake prescriptions is you don't have to be a real doctor to write one.

  Sandy : Just tell me what's safe to inject in his thigh. His 'symptoms' will go away and then I can show him he was never sick. Water?

  Dr. Gregory House : Imaginary medicine is not my specialty. I do have an imaginary colleague who's just sent me an imaginary page. Imagine how sorry I am.