How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Disaster Averted (2011)

Jason Segel: Marshall Eriksen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marshall Eriksen : [Marshall has become obsessed with death since his insurance ran out]  The Grim reaper beckons. I feel his icy grip 'round my throat. The breath of his hounds at me heels the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of his scythe on my chamber door. And you? With your blithe request you only hasten his inevitable triumph. Is that what you desire? Is that what you desire, Lily?

  Lily Aldrin : I just wanted you to get us some bagels.

  Marshall Eriksen : Bagels! Do you have ANY idea what could happen to me whilst getting bagels?

• Lily Aldrin : [Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie]  Don't let him tempt you, baby.

  Marshall Eriksen : I don't know Lily, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

• Ted Mosby : [Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]  Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...

  Robin Scherbatsky : Unpopular.

  Lily Aldrin : Beaten up.

  Barney Stinson : Going to movies with his mom.

  Ted Mosby : ...A Boy Scout is always prepared...

  Robin Scherbatsky : Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.

  Marshall Eriksen : Prepared to die a virgin.

  Barney Stinson : Prepared to paint his sister's nails...

  Ted Mosby : ...Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...

  Robin Scherbatsky : You're a tropical depression.

• Marshall Eriksen : Nobody wakes up and says, "Today I'm going to star in a YouTube video!"

  Lily Aldrin : You've said that at least a dozen times.

• Barney Stinson : [about the ducky tie]  Please let me take it off!

  Lily Aldrin : No.

  Barney Stinson : Five thousand dollars!

  Lily Aldrin : No.

  Kevin : Is he serious?

  Barney Stinson : Ten thousand dollars!

  Lily Aldrin : No.

  Kevin : Dude, just take the money.

  Barney Stinson : Twenty thousand dollars!

  Marshall Eriksen : No.

  Kevin : Yes!

  Barney Stinson : I'll let you slap me in the face as hard as you can!

  Marshall Eriksen : You have my attention.

• Barney Stinson : [after Barney agrees to new arrangements, Barney removes the Ducky tie]  I'm free. God, this feels so good! I - I

  [Barney notices Marshall stretching and preparing to slap] 

  Barney Stinson : This was a mistake. I want to put the tie back on. I want to put the tie back on! Why do I have to be Barney Stinson now?

  [Marshall slaps Barney] 

  Lily Aldrin : Three slaps remaining!

  Marshall Eriksen : Three slaps. Wow, I like the sound of that. I think I'll save those bad boys. You know, for a rainy day.

  Barney Stinson : Okay, the worst is over.

  [Marshall slaps Barney again] 

  Lily Aldrin : Two slaps remaining!

  Marshall Eriksen : It's all right. It's all done - for now.

  Barney Stinson : I think I have to go home now and re-evaluate how I make life decisions.

• Maya : If she's

  [Referring to Lily] 

  Maya : going, then I'm not going!

  Ted Mosby : Lily, you're staying. Let's go!

  Marshall Eriksen : If Lily's staying, then I'm staying!

  Lily Aldrin : Then I'm going!

  Marshall Eriksen : Then I'm going!

  Barney Stinson : You can't go Marshall 'cause I'm going!

  Robin Scherbatsky : If Barney's going, then I'm not going!

  Marshall Eriksen : Then I can go!

  Lily Aldrin : Then I'm staying!

  Marshall Eriksen : Then I'm staying!

  Lily Aldrin : Then I'm going!

  Maya : Then I'm not going!

  Ted Mosby : You know what? I'm GOING!

• Barney Stinson : Just let me take off the tie! PLEASE! I have to wear this at work! Do you have any idea whats that's like

  [cut do Barney in a business meeting sitting low in his chair so no one can see his tie] 

  Barney Stinson : Please can I take it off?

  Marshall Eriksen : You... may... not. With a "k". Little tie pun.

  Barney Stinson : This is far from over.

  [dramatic music starts] 

  Barney Stinson : You have a price Eriksen, and I will find it. When the end of day is nigh, I'll have taken off this tie. I'm gonna like the way I look; I guarantee it.

  Kevin : [Dramatic music cuts]  So, boogie boarding?

• Barney Stinson : If you didn't have that slap left; say I were to get you to slap me tonight; I suppose that would change everything.

  [Dramatic music starts again] 

  Marshall Eriksen : I suppose it would.

  Barney Stinson : [Speaking French]  Le jeu commence - "The game begins"

  Marshall Eriksen : Je m'appelle Marshall

  [My name is Marshall] 

  Kevin : [Dramatic music cuts again]  So, boogie-boarding?

• Marshall Eriksen : [about Barney]  I just wanna slap him so bad. But that tie is so stupid. But the slap would feel so good. But he hates that tie so much

  Kevin : Perhaps I can help. Marshall, ask yourself this question: why today? He hasn't said anything about that tie for weeks; yet suddenly, today, he can't wear it another second? No, there's a reason.

  [to Barney] 

  Kevin : You've got something coming up; something where you're on display, vulnerable, exposed. It's not work related, no, this is relationship stuff; you're trying to impress someone. In the lie you told you said you were being chased by two goons, so it's two people; a couple, perhaps? You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!

  Barney Stinson : WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It's in two days and I really want them to like me!

  Ted Mosby : Oh-ho, therapisted

  [High fives Kevin] 

  Ted Mosby : . Shrinked? Shrunk? We'll figure it out.