Grand Theft Auto V (2013 Video Game)

Jay Klaitz: Lester Crest

Quotes 

• Lester Crest : For a couple of mid-west stick-up artists, you guys sure have become a pair of whiny, west coast DOUCHEBAGS!

  Franklin : What the fuck is wrong with the west coast?

  Lester Crest : Oh, nothing. I love it here. Everyone's so numbed by the sun that if you use a three-syllable word, they think you're a professor.

  Franklin : Man, fuck you.

  Trevor Philips : [yelling]  Yeah, fuck you, you high and mighty weasel! And you don't talk down to these fucking idiots!

  Michael De Santa : Hey! Leave Lester alone.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, oh you and Lester together? Oh now that makes fucking sense!

  Franklin : Oh for fuck's sake, man. You all are assholes. Man, I gotta go calm down, homey. This shit was real illuminating.

  [walks away] 

  Michael De Santa : Franklin, I'm sorry. Come on back, have a beer or something.

• Michael De Santa : Arrgh!

  Franklin : Hey, what's the problem, dog?

  Michael De Santa : Steve fucking Haines!

  Franklin : Of course it's Steve fucking Haines. It's always Steve Haines.

  Lester Crest : That is not strictly true. It's either Steve Haines or it's Trevor, or it's his family. It's always one of them.

  Michael De Santa : Yeah, that's true. It is always one of them. I'm a fat old fuck with a horrible family and even worse friends. I told you, Franklin, I ain't a good role model. Period.

  Franklin : Yeah, whatever, dog. It's either this or dealing dimebags. The bullets come crackin' at yo ass either way.

• Michael De Santa : [Lester's factory is devoid of all personnel except for Lester]  What's going on?

  Lester Crest : Oh, just enjoying a little labor dispute. See, we're about to do something really, really bad, and so I need to present myself as a proper textile magnate. So...

  Michael De Santa : So you stopped making anything?

  Lester Crest : Nothing looks more suspicious in America than someone who's actually prepared to make something.

• Lester Crest : Here, take this err, fashionably retro, 'weird-for-a-forty-five-year-old-man-but-I-cannot-let-go-of-the-1980s' bag, and dress yourself up like a billionaire math genius with low level Asperger's.

• Lester Crest : That little college boy, sack of shit, phony, fuck!

  Michael De Santa : Who? Jay Norris?

  Lester Crest : Yes. That fuck is a lying bastard, I've read his fucking emails, he's a fucking cheat.

  Michael De Santa : I-I-I heard him say that he saved America...

  Lester Crest : What? By outsourcing all the jobs? By selling us little bits of plastic, restricted-access shit? Well now it's payback time, you lying turd.

• Lester Crest : This is not the car we're looking for.

• Lester Crest : We are about to put the Darwinism back in social Darwinism, and brother, it is gonna be fun.

• Lester Crest : You know, Trevor has a point about you. You whine too much.

  Michael De Santa : [flips him off]  Ah, fuck you.

  Lester Crest : Oh, don't even try it.

• Michael De Santa : We're gonna need a crew. I could round up some of the old guys.

  Lester Crest : There are no "old guys." Moses, ironically, he found Jesus. All those Irish crazies, they mostly just disappeared. That crew from the south, they all went down. There was... an eastern European guy making moves in Liberty City... nah, he went quiet.

• Lester Crest : [after Michael takes a useless photo]  What's this of? Fuck all!

• Lester Crest : What's the problem, you don't like shooters?

  Michael De Santa : They're all the same. Besides, you know me. I'm a movie guy. Classic Vinewood.

  Lester Crest : Classic Vinewood ended 30 years ago. Now it's just superheroes, romantic comedies and remakes. None of which interest me.

  Michael De Santa : Hey, I believe this country can still make interesting movies. There's no better way to define American life than a two hour plot in which the hero looks good and defeats evil.

  Lester Crest : Whatever. Enjoy yesterday.