- Jimmy Valmer: [singing "The Maiden from Stonebury Hollow"] There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow / She didn't talk much, but boy, did she swallow / I had a nice lance that she sat upon / The maiden from Stonebury who is also your mom.
- Butters Stotch: This is where the magic happens.
- [while walking in Cartman's mom's bedroom]
- Butters Stotch: Last night week Cartman's mom was here with a few men having a whole lot of magic; she was doing hand magic, butt magic.
- Eric Cartman: Don't ask why Kenny decided to be a chick, it just seems to be the way he's rolling right now.
- Kevin Stoley: Well done! The galaxy is in your debt. Let it be known that I have been, and will always be, your friend... on Facebook.
- Al Gore: Let us fight to the death!
- Butters Stotch: We're gonna send you straight to Heck!
- Al Gore: Now let's see how you like sitting through a whole presentation on global warming!
- [using a slide show to attack them in the fight]
- Kyle: So, you're the new kid everyone is talking about. What's your name?
- [the New Kid doesn't respond]
- Elf Warrior: He doesn't talk, Elf King, he thinks he's hot shit or something.
- Ginger Boy: [defeated in battle by Douchebag] Officer down! Officer down! Send backup!
- [through walkie-talkie]
- Ginger Boy: I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway!
- Mr. Mackey: Oh, God damnit!
- Craig Tucker: Heeeeere they come.
- Mr. Mackey: They aren't going to get you, Craig! You're not getting out of detention!
- Craig Tucker: I'll be out of here in ten minutes.
- Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits an inflatable kiddie pool marked "Pool of Vision"] Ah, I see you have found the Pool of Vision, gaze into it long enough and it will tell you your future.
- Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits the Pool of Vision again] Careful, do not disturb the sacred waters.
- Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits the Pool of Vision again] You are messing with powers you do not understand.
- Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits the Pool of Vision again] Mom! The New Kid keeps trying to pop the Pool of Vision!
- Eric Cartman: [During battle] ... and that's when I realized what I thought was a three-headed harpy gorgon was really Kyle's mom.
- Al Gore: Don't worry - I'm not here to hurt you. It's me - Al Gore! You know? Al Gore? I'm super important.
- [when farted on by the New Kid]
- Girl: Ugh! I can taste it!