- Barry Kripke: How does it work?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
- Barry Kripke: I'm sowwy, can you wepeat that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
- Barry Kripke: Almost got it. One more time?
- Sheldon Cooper: Sure! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Sheldon!
- Sheldon Cooper: ...rock crushes...
- Howard Wolowitz: Stop. He's screwing with you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Is he? Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
- Sheldon Cooper: [at the urinals at work] Kripke.
- Barry Kripke: Yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
- Sheldon Cooper: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force.
- [Throws ball, it falls short of the basket]
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm gonna need more force.
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
- Sheldon Cooper: Five what?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Balls in the basket.
- [Sheldon gives a thumbs-up to Leonard]
- Howard Wolowitz: It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
- Howard Wolowitz: I wonder how long Sheldon's got?
- Sheldon Cooper: These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.
- [Throws shrimp away]
- Leonard Hofstadter: It can't be very long.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Knock on door] Ooh. That'll be Kripke.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's he doing here?
- Sheldon Cooper: We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!
- Sheldon Cooper: I see no other option but to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
- Sheldon Cooper: This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You just called dibs.
- Sheldon Cooper: Shut it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: There's not much you're both equally good at.
- Raj Koothrappali: Is there anything you're both equally bad at?
- Sheldon Cooper, Barry Kripke: Sports.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mr. Rothman, this isn't your office anymore. You're retired.
- Professor Rothman: I think the word you're looking for is "invisible".
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I have to get up early. My company is developing a steroid that doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon has gotten his head stuck in a hole in his office wall] Why would you do that?
- Sheldon Cooper: I wanted to see what was inside.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's called scientific curiosity!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Watching Sheldon and Kripke play basketball badly] You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I get it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why is there a hole here?
- Sheldon Cooper: Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or, the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon was higher.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.
- Sheldon Cooper: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
- Penny: Good night, real Amy.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, because she's never leaving.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, real Penny.
- Penny: Bye.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, transvestite Penny.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she and Penny are staring at the painting of Amy and Penny] That is big.
- Penny: So big.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: And ugly.
- Penny: So ugly. What am I gonna do?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. You can't take it down. You'll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.
- Penny: Is there any chance I'll learn to love it?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?
- Penny: [about the painting of her and Amy] It's got to go.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What will you tell Amy?
- Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard's mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough.
- Penny: Well, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it's kind of heavy.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Mmm, too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting.
- Penny: [to Amy] I cannot believe you've never seen "Grease".
- Amy Farrah Fowler: My mother didn't allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang.
- Sheldon Cooper: Kripke. Come in. I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?
- Barry Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don't want tea. Wet's get down to bwass tacks.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship...
- Barry Kripke: We're not fwiends.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman's office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
- Barry Kripke: How about I take Wothman's office and you go suck a wemon?
- Sheldon Cooper: [in the rest room] President Seibert?
- President Siebert: Can't this wait?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, we just need a word.
- President Siebert: Now? You realize I'm your boss and I am holding my penis.
- Barry Kripke: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I'm sowwy, this guy's got no wespect for boundawies.
- Raj Koothrappali: I paid $25 to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.
- Howard Wolowitz: It's numbered.
- Raj Koothrappali: Heh. Ooh. Limited edition. Nice!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
- Penny: Good night, real Amy.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy because she's never leaving.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, real Penny.
- [looks at the painting of Penny]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, transvestite Penny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [about the basketball competition] All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It's no longer funny. Let's try something else.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear! There it is again. Do you feel it?
- Howard Wolowitz: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, the vibration. We are directly underneath the Geology lab and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey gravel monkeys! If you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!
- Sheldon Cooper: [to the mockingbird] And you! The notes are C, D, E, G, and A. You pick one or I'm chopping down that tree!
- Raj Koothrappali: At least you finally got a window that opens. That's nice.
- Sheldon Cooper: Is it? Listen.
- Raj Koothrappali: What? You don't like wind chimes?
- Sheldon Cooper: No. I hate them, but it gets worse... There it is!
- Howard Wolowitz: The bird?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's completely out of tune with the wind chimes.
- Raj Koothrappali: So?
- Sheldon Cooper: You don't get it, do you? That's a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song. Which means, he's out of tune on purpose. He's mocking me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.
- Penny: [giving her the "Grease" DVD] Sure, sure, enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can. Or you know what? Actually, you keep it. It's just going to be my gift to you. Bye.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [taking DVD] Thank you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [noticing the painting of her and Penny is missing] Where did the painting go?
- Penny: [gestures behind couch] Over there.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Why?
- Penny: I have no idea. That is weird.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You hate it.
- Penny: No, no, no, it's just, it's a little big.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [taking the painting] I feel like an idiot.
- Penny: No, come on, you're not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Why? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don't need your pity.
- [walks out with painting]
- Penny: Oh, Amy, come on!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [crying] I'm just glad I didn't go for the sculpture!