Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara

Quotes 

• Editor : This is nuts. You can't make a story about a guy walking down a street.

  Linkara : Preemptively trying to stop the naysayers of this concept, JMS? I would just like to point out that a reporter CAN make a story out of that. They can make a story out of anything, because news is just identifying what's going on. They can have a column, like "Super Tracking" or something, where reporters talk about who Superman encountered, what he did, interviews with people in the area. I mean, I know Peter Parker can be an idiot, but not THAT much of an idiot!

• Linkara : And thus, Superman fixes up the storeroom in less than a second. Again, I like it because it again shows that no problem is beneath him - even though he only did it so he could afford a sandwich.

• Linkara : And naturally, since this is an area that even the police fear, we see that there are a bunch of kids nearby - in the street, at night, near the crack houses. Good parenting.

• Linkara : Superman, defender of truth, justice and arson.

• Linkara : [Superman has simultaneously set ablaze a bunch of drug dealers' stashes]  So forgiving for a moment how really, really illegal this is, how does Superman follow this up? Well, a kid walks up to him and offers him some candy.

  Superman : Thanks. When they come out, will you give them a message for me?

  Kid : Sure.

  Linkara : What?

  Superman : Tell them I plan to come back every few weeks. I'll do it again and again until they leave.

  Linkara : Superman... you've just gotten that kid killed! Are you out of your freakin' mind? No, really, are you insane? You just torched the stashes of these drug dealers. When they get out, they're gonna be pissed! And they're going to see that you're no longer standing there. What they're going to see is a little kid who tells them, "Superman said he's going to come back every once and a while, you evil drug dealer poopy-heads." And then they're going to beat this kid into a pulp, and assuming he's not dead from that, they will kill him and leave him there as a message not to mess with them. Why the hell don't you stand and wait for them to come out and frighten them off? You're not exactly in a hurry here. You could be patient! What the hell is wrong with you?

• Superman : [to Felicity, who plans to jump off a building]  Because you're right, it's not fair. John Lennon is dead and Moammar Kadaffi is still alive. J.F.K. is dead and Castro is alive. Gandhi is dead but Manson keeps hanging in there. It's not fair.

  Linkara : You suck at this, Superman. Seriously, that's your advice? That's what you say to a woman who's pouring her heart out about the unfairness of life and who is contemplating suicide? "Yup, life sucks, whatcha gonna do?" For crying out loud, "NewsRadio" and "Crocodile Dundee" handled this better, and those were comedies.

• Felicity : After I buried my mom, I stood there after everyone else had left, and I thought, is this it? I mean, is this all there is? Working in a cubicle six days a week until I'm too old to do it anymore, then I die? Is that it?

  Linkara : Hey, there's more to it than that. There's... Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and hoping that someday we'll have another good Star Trek series, and... um... oh, sewing. Some people like sewing.

• Officer : Hey, question for you. Would you really have let her fall?

  Superman : Good night, Officer.

  Linkara : No! No, he wouldn't. At least not a properly-written Superman. Superman ALWAYS chooses life. The mere implication that he would have let her die is so horrible, and completely out of character for him. Especially in light of all the people who died at the conclusion of the New Krypton arc. Go to hell, comic! GO... TO... HELL!

• Reporter 1 : So what're you doing here, Superman?

  Superman : Walking.

  Reporter 1 : I can see that, but...

  Reporter 2 : So why aren't you flying?

  Superman : I'm not flying because I'm walking. Are you sure you're a reporter?

  Linkara : [as this reporter]  I'm pretty sure. Are you sure that you're not a rude jerk just because I asked a legitimate question about how unusual this activity is for you?

• Linkara : Superman: faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, can identify auto repair issues in less than a minute!

• Superman : [addressing a man walking a dog]  On the night they threw Henry Thoreau in jail for civil disobedience, a friend came to see him, saying, "Henry, what're you doing in here?" Thoreau said, "No, the question is, what are *you* doing *out there*?"

  Linkara : Henry Thoreau was in jail for one night for not paying his taxes. His aunt bailed him out the next day, and afterwards, he wasn't "living his life in a small cell, where the bars are the principles and rules that determine what you will and won't accept." He lived in relative comfort until his death from bronchitis. And even then, Thoreau didn't go to jail for some vague notion of "not accepting injustice, cruelty and murder." He did it because he opposed slavery and the Mexican-American War.

  Superman : If I am lucky enough, privileged enough to live in that cell, to serve in that box with the word hero written on it, then I say to you, from somewhere deep inside that box, what are you doing out there?

  Linkara : WHAT BOX? You're not bravely taking a stand against something you're morally opposed to! YOU'RE WALKING ACROSS AMERICA!

• Linkara : [about Superman]  The reporters catch up to him again, and we have more questions, like what he'll do if there's a crisis where he's needed.

  Superman : If there is, I'll deal with it and come back, pick up where I left off.

  Reporter 1 : How long you gonna keep walking?

  Reporter 2 : Where are you going?

  Linkara : You know, you probably could've avoided having the reporters constantly asking you the same questions over and over if you had, I don't know, held a press conference, announced that you were doing this, and then answered questions then. You know, come to think of it, if he didn't announce this, how did the reporters know where he was? For all ordinary people knew, it was just some guy in a Superman suit walking along the road

• Linkara : JMS explored the idea of walkabout on "Babylon 5", and after a big, cataclysmic event like the "New Krypton" stuff, something more down to Earth is probably warranted. What doesn't work is the execution. And it's off to a bad start right away, with the incident that inspired this in "Superman #700". Superman is giving a press conference about reconstruction efforts after what went down, when all of a sudden, a random woman goes up to our hero and slaps him. Why? Because while he was away, saving the Earth for the kajillionth time, her husband had inoperable cancer, but...

  [mocking voice] 

  Linkara : ... Superman would have been able to save him by using X-ray and heat vision to remove the tumor without damaging the surrounding area! Lady, I'm sure you're just grieving and feeling really bad about your husband's death, but, uh... YOU'RE A SELFISH IDIOT! Has Superman ever demonstrated this ability before? Does he have advanced medical training that would have allowed this to work? As far as I know, he doesn't! If he did, he'd probably be volunteering this ability to as many people as he could! Also, how the hell were you planning on contacting him, lady? As far as I know, Superman doesn't have a forwarding address for this kind of thing. And yeah, I called you selfish! Thousands of people DIED during the event of "New Krypton", but suddenly, YOUR pain, YOUR loss is somehow more SPECIAL than EVERYBODY else's! SCREW YOU! But no, this feeble event is what starts Superman on the path to walking across America - NOT the loss of thousands of his people, NOT the tragedy of all the humans who were killed! This idiotic woman who can't see the passing of her husband by forces outside of Superman's control! WHAT... A... LOAD!

• Linkara : Later, after more reporters leave, the people in the diner tell Superman about some of the problems the area has had; in particular, a bunch of houses bought up by drug dealers, who use them to sell crack, meth and heroin.

  Diner Patron : Even the police don't go down there unless they have to.

  Superman : [narrating]  Say there's nothing they can do.

  Superman : And naturally, since this is an area even the police fear, we see that there are a bunch of little kids nearby - in the streets, at night, near the crack houses. Good parenting.

• Kid : [to Superman]  But you know they're just gonna set up somewhere else, over there...

  Linkara : "Over there"? Over where? Kid, where are you talking about? You're not pointing at anything. Oh, it's just a clumsy way to segue into Superman's response.

  Superman : Yes, but they won't be here anymore, and that's a step in the right direction.

  Linkara : Because moving the problem is the exact same thing as solving the problem, isn't it?

  Superman : See, in the end, all we can do is look at where we are, at where we're standing, and say we will not allow this, here. Over there has to stand for itself, has to speak for itself. Because it's only when over there becomes here that we can stop this once and for all. And from now on, my eye will be right here.

• [Linkara is appalled by Superman's remark about how he forced the drug dealers someplace else by burning down their stash, that it's now "over there", and how "over there" has to stand for itself] 

  Linkara : Okay, one, as I just said, the drug dealers are STILL AROUND! Forcing them to go someplace else DOES NOT END THE PROBLEM! Two, "over there" has to stand for itself? Um, why the hell does it have to? You just forced the problem "over there"! In fact, the only reason the problem was "solved here" was because YOU intervened! Why the hell is this new place the drugs are moving to going to be able to do any better than before? Three, your eye is supposed to be everywhere! You care about ALL humanity, ALL places! Why the hell are you only capable of watching this ONE neighborhood? WHAT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE! Oh, yeah, and again, he can't threaten them with bodily harm because it's "against the law", but apparently, damaging other people's property, setting fire to their stuff, even if it is illegal material, is apparently perfectly okay in Pennsylvania!

  [pauses] 

  Linkara : No, it isn't. That's not okay anywhere! SUPERMAN, YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING!

• Linkara : The next morning, after passing by a car that was planning on running a red light, and probably scaring them out of the idea with the threat of setting their car on fire, Superman comes across an older gentleman sitting on his porch. His daughter thinks he should go see a doctor, but he thinks his problem is just a little heartburn. Superman decides to just use his X-ray vision on him, because, hey, what's one invasion of privacy when he could do *lots* of invasions of privacy? He says the guy's heart is beating erratically and he should probably go to see a doctor - buuut doesn't offer to fly him over to a hospital, because, hey, it's not like somebody could *die* in the time it takes the ambulance to arrive or anything. I'm sure that sequence was meant to be funny, but I'm just thinking that in the excitement of meeting Superman, he probably had a heart attack and died! Look at how much I'm laughing!