- Jess reluctantly dates the wealthy father of one of her students. Meanwhile, Nick attempts to buy a new cell phone and Schmidt and Winston get ultra-competitive playing bar trivia.
- Jess and Nick go cell phone shopping. They pull Nick's credit score and find it's 250. You get 150 just for being alive. The whole sales staff comes out to laugh, they've never seen one that low and wonder if he just woke up from a coma.
Walking home, Jess suggests Nick go all "ghost protocol" on people and just be the guy without a phone.
Back home, Shelby is basking in Schmidt's bar trivia prowess, much to Winston's annoyance.
At school, Jess gets a visit from Russell (Dermot Mulroney), one of her student's dads. Jess explains they just finished sex-ed and she had to take 30 condoms off cucumbers, which turn out to be a lot harder to take off than they are to put on. Russell just came back from London, which forces Jess to avoid using her bad British accent. She's wearing a sign that says "Mr. Monogamy."
He wanted to talk about his daughter Sarah's art, which involves doll's heads. Jess explains that they get to create whatever they want during "dream cess". Russell informs Jess that from now on Sarah will opt out of dream cess and work with a tutor. Jess suggests he try spending time with his daughter instead. He leaves.
Jess goes to talk to Principal Tanya about him and learns that he's one of their biggest donors. Jess says she'll raise the money herself. "I'll get ragtag group of kids together: a lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance and one fatso and I'll choreograph some dances and make it a show."
"You did that already, Jess, it's called the spring musical," Tanya tells her.
Tanya tells Jess to go apologize and assure him from now on her classroom will be like North Korea "Math! Math! Math!"
Winston visits Schmidt in his room, asking him why he made him look stupid in front of Shelby. Schmidt asks if he wants him to take a dive next time Shelby's around, he says it's what he'd want Winston to do if he were the dumber one.
Winston argues that memorizing facts doesn't make you smart.
At breakfast, Nick complains that the problem is rich people, which is why he got rid of his phone. "You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost," Winston says.
Nick is writing a letter to his friend to see if he wants to party on Friday. Schmidt suggests she blame her period. Winston wonders if someone should suggest a simple apology.
Nick winds her up with an anti-rich people rant.
Winston hangs out with Elvin, for his part time nanny job.
Jess drives to see "Fancyman" but calls Schmidt and Nick back at the loft to practice her speech. She wants to start with a quote against social Darwinism.
Her car makes a noise and then sputters to stop in the middle of traffic. Russell comes to her aid, offering to call someone. She explains she was raised poor, so when something doesn't work, she pretends it does. "Some of my best memories are pushing this car on family vacations," she says.
He calls her a tow and then offers her his car. She says she doesn't know how to drive cars that work, but he tells her to return it tomorrow, when he's having a party.
Schmidt and Nick listen to the whole thing on speakerphone. They wonder if he's a super hero. Schmidt wants to know what kind of car it is, while Nick chants "we are the 99%".
The next day, Jess complains to Cece about Fancyman. Cece suggests he might have a crush on her. Jess says he's not her type. "He's the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer. You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea," Jess says.
Cece reminds her Spender didn't own sheets (he slept on a pile of washcloths). Cece suggests that Jess is intimidated because she wouldn't have to take care of him.
Elvin quizzes Winston on banal trivia. Winston answers Mesopotamia and Elvin asks him to use it in a sentence. "Look, there's Mesopotamia," Winston says.
Jess takes Nick to the party and asks him to get her in a hate mode. He strolls through the kitchen and critiques. "A kitchen island? Be a man, let your counter attach to itself," Nick says.
As they stroll through the increasingly more impressive house, Nick is taken by Russell's study.
"When I put my hand on this desk I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life," Nick says.
Jess reminds him Russell stands for everything he hates. Nick settles into the chair and nuzzles the wooden duck. "I want to kill you, because I respect you," he tells it.
Jess goes out back to look for Russell. There's a genteel backyard garden party going on. Russell tells Jess her car is ready and she needs to change her oil.
She starts to make her speech and he asks if she thinks he's a snob, he says he's made a lot of money and he enjoys spending it.
Inside, Russell finds Nick wearing his cap and reading his books. And wearing his sweater. Nick introduces himself as the guy who has no phone.
Russell says when he was Nick's age he had a really skinny pony tail and was living off selling his own blood. Then he realized he wanted to grow up.
Russell gives him a cell phone he got as a Christmas present. Nick asks if it's possible to be sexually attracted to an object. Russell assures him it is. He tells Nick to keep the sweater.
Nick asks him why he's being so nice and Russell says because he's Jess's friend.
Jess wanders into the bathroom and meets the electronic bidet, but doesn't know what it is. It squirts her, so she leaps up and gets squirted in the face as she frantically tries to shut it off. Russell hears and knocks at the door.
As it squirts and speaks Japanese, Jess tells him she's not sorry for what she said and doesn't care if he pulls his funding. He tells her he'd never do that.
He assesses the damage to his bidet as she runs off. "You put it up to six happy faces, I've never gone past three!"
Jess and Nick leave the party. Jess wants to run off. Nick tells her it may complicate things, but he loves Russell. "He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse," he says.
Nick tells her to be a grown up, Russell likes her. "Don't be intimidated just because you're younger, poorer and wetter than everybody in there!" he says. Jess goes back in.
At trivia night, Winston throws out random answers to questions. Later, he confesses he didn't want Shelby to think he was stupid. She assures him she doesn't want a rich, smart guy who has his own car -- she wants him.
Winston checks if she's saying she's his girlfriend. She is. Schmidt critiques from the car, telling him he hopes Winston's bed moves are better than his street work. He offers to put on Jodeci.
Back at the party, Jess finds Russell and explains she's not used to people who have it all together. She tells him he scares her. He doesn't have it all together, he can't even talk to his own kid. She said she wanted to go bra shopping, so he bought her a ski vest.
She tells him every eye roll means he's doing something right, then admits it's just what she tells parents to make them feel better.
He asks her out to dinner. She says great, takes a step back and lands in the koi pond. Nick comes running, pulling off Russell's sweater and taking care to fold it.
Flash back to inside, Nick pretending he's a rich guy at Russell's desk, then a police lieutenant, then a businessman negotiating with aliens.....
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