- Brittany Pierce: [to the camera] My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome and now, I get to relive every minute of it. I'm Head Cheerio, Vice Rachel of the glee club and now I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.
- Blaine Anderson: Brittany, who are you talking to?
- Brittany Pierce: I thought I was doing a voiceover.
- Brittany Pierce: [to her phone] Kiki, why is everybody staring at me?
- Kiki: [in an automated African-American accent] Because those fools are jealous.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Who's Kiki?
- Brittany Pierce: Kiki is Siri's super-smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the laundromat.
- Brittany Pierce: My voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.
- Brittany Pierce: After school, I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon, and then watching "The Client List" marathon.
- Brittany Pierce: [about to shave her hair a la Britney] Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.
- Brittany Pierce: I got a C minus on my U.S. History exam which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.
- Sue Sylvester: [to Brittany] I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C plus. Your performance on the very same exam unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade: F minus. You answered every question with "See Other Side" where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented."
- Sue Sylvester: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday, I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
- Brittany Pierce: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.
- Principal Figgins: I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue.
- Rachel Berry: What's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.
- Kurt Hummel: It's better than Detroit and Damascus.
- Rachel Berry: So what do you think, Ms. July. Am I ready to learn the tango?
- Cassandra July: Look, you can memorize a routine. So what?
- Brody Weston: Rachel was incredible.
- Cassandra July: You were incredible. She was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that? You want truth? Fine. Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek. Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.
- Rachel Berry: You're just jealous of me. Of all of us.
- Brody Weston: Rachel, don't.
- Rachel Berry: No, because we have our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We're the future and you're just some YouTube joke.
- Cassandra July: You're done. Get out of my class. Get out of my class! Out!
- [Rachel storms out of the room and Brody follows her]
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] You think you're a bad-ass? Nailing a bunch of chicks, beating up some punks in the cafeteria? I'm the original bad-ass! I had my first threesome at 7 and once I beat up a police horse.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] I rode my motorcycle, played my ax, I banged every chick in this place twice. And you know what? None of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] I gotta get back to L.A. I got a date with the chick who was third runner-up on "The Bachelor."
- Brody Weston: [to Rachel] Here's the thing. I will respect your boundaries, but just know that when we're together, whatever we talk about, whatever we're doing, I'm thinking of kissing you.
- Sue Sylvester: Brittany, take a seat. This is clearly the plan of an idiot, but a plan, nonetheless. And one that required the barest modicum of human logic which frankly I thought was beyond you.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to Jake] I know what it feels like to be scared that you're not important or smart or worth anything. We had the same dad, bro.
- Rachel Berry: [to Brody] I kind of need to ask you a favor.
- Brody Weston: Okay.
- Rachel Berry: So, Cassie said that I... uh, wasn't sexy. Cassie said I wasn't sexy.
- Brody Weston: You're crazy sexy.
- Rachel Berry: [to Cassandra] I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. All those things that I said to you, they were completely wrong and... and out of line. I felt like you were picking on me for no reason.
- Cassandra July: Stop talking. Look, you lost it and you lashed out, same as I did ten years ago except all it took for you to snap was a little honest feedback and excuse me, dance class. And you expect to make it on Broadway? Where all there is is scrutiny and judgment?
- Rachel Berry: I'm really sorry...
- Cassandra July: And what if someone taped your little outburst and then posted it on the Internet? You'd never get cast. You have one chance. You screw it up, you're done. You're that crazy actress. And why would anybody want to work with you?
- Rachel Berry: Because you're good.
- Cassandra July: I was great, but it doesn't make a difference, because I wasn't ready for the pressure. Believe me, it's a whole lot more vicious out there than it is in here. That's why I pick on my students. I want them to be ready.