- Narrator: Kids, when you're in a new relationship and you're competing with your ex for who's happier, it can get ugly.
- Ted Mosby: [competing about whose relationship is more serious] Victoria keeps tampons at my apartment.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Damn it!
- Barney Stinson: Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt,
- [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted]
- Barney Stinson: I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again!
- [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman]
- Barney Stinson: Sorry about your eye, I'm available!
- Ted Mosby: [reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
- Barney Stinson: Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening.
- [puts a "Bangtoberfest" cap on Robin's head]
- Mickey Aldrin: Remember all those Mexican fireworks I bought so I wouldn't have to buy Christmas presents?
- Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God! You blew up the house?
- Mickey Aldrin: What? No, I did not blow up the house! I blew up the garage. The house burned down.
- Lily Aldrin: Looks like our search is over. All we need is your salary.
- Mrs. Buckminster: Certainly. My salary is...
- [Cut to Lily and Marshall crying]
- Mrs. Buckminster: Now, now. Everything is going to be all right. You'll find someone.
- Lily Aldrin: No, we won't!
- Marshall Eriksen: Not someone like you!
- Barney Stinson: [after an encounter with the nannies he scammed] I woke up in a dumpster covered in diapers, and I found a pacifier somewhere I am not willing to discuss.
- 7-Year old Lily Aldrin: [Flashback to young Lily and her dad at the horse track] What's wrong, daddy?
- Mickey Aldrin: Daddy can't chose a horse to save his freakin' life. I need a number. When's your birthday?
- 7-Year old Lily Aldrin: Today.
- Mickey Aldrin: Bingo.
- Lily Aldrin: [Lily discovers that her father took care of baby Marvin all day] Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?
- Mickey Aldrin: You know something honey, you don't know this. For the first few years of your life, your mom worked while I was a stay-at-home dad.
- Lily Aldrin: I thought Grandma and Grampa took care of me.
- Mickey Aldrin: Well, they visited a lot, but I was the one who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad, but actually, I ran into the house to get this photo album - *and* potato salad.
- [shows Lily album]
- Lily Aldrin: Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after preschool?
- Mickey Aldrin: Well...
- [recounts flashback of first day at preschool]
- Mickey Aldrin: Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess.
- [Kisses Lily and gives her food]
- Mickey Aldrin: Well, off you go.
- [after Lily gets inside classroom]
- Mickey Aldrin: Ugh, how am I gonna make it to three o'clock without her?
- [Sees newspaper]
- Mickey Aldrin: Belmont Racetrack? Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to bet just once.
- Mickey Aldrin: [Back to present] Six months later, guess what gambling addict's thumbs had pins on them?
- [flashes thumbs]
- Mickey Aldrin: This guy!... Look honey, I wasn't there for most of your childhood and I regret that every single day of my life, but I promise you, I'm here now for Marvin. If you want.
- Lily Aldrin: You're hired.
- [embraces Mickey]