- Walden Schmidt: [Walden - as Sam Wilson - is talking with his depressed girlfriend when he notices something on the ceiling] Awwwww, is that mistletoe?
- Kate: It's supposed to be. It's actually broccoli. Thought it'd be romantic.
- Walden Schmidt: [tenderly] It is.
- Kate: D'you wanna...
- Walden Schmidt: Oh, no, Hell no!
- Kate: Thank God!
- Kate: [later, after 'Sam' gives Kate a new sewing machine] Merry Christmas, Sam.
- Walden Schmidt: [she is about to kiss Sam/Walden] Oh, wait, look what else Santa brought: broccol-toe!
- Alan Harper: [speaking with Jake over a Skype connection] Hey, Buddy, you excited about Christmas?
- Jake Harper: Yeah, that's actually why I was callin' - I'm not gonna be able to make it home this year.
- Alan Harper: What? Why?
- Jake Harper: My girlfriend, Tammy Sue, asked me to spend Christmas with her and her three kids. I'm pretending to be Santa, and also their various fathers.
- Alan Harper: [aside] Oh, kill me!
- Alan Harper: [to Jake] H - H - How did you meet this woman?
- Jake Harper: I play softball with her parole officer.
- Alan Harper: [aside] Oh, dig me up and kill me again!
- Alan Harper: [to Jake] A'right, well, I hope I see you soon.
- Jake Harper: Don't worry. We'll all come visit as soon as Tammy Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.
- Alan Harper: That will be a magical day.
- Jake Harper: Yeah. All right, Merry Christmas, Dad. 'Bye.
- Alan Harper: Merry Christmas, Jake.
- Alan Harper: [Jake signs off and Alan sighs deeply] Time now for the magic of bourbon.