"The Colbert Report" Simone Campbell (TV Episode 2012) - Hugh Bonneville as Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham

Mr. Carson : Congratulations, My Lord, you are now the tea kingpin of Yorkshire.

Earl of Grantham : Yes, but it's a mixed blessing. As Byron once said, "mo' money, mo' quandaries."
Mr. Spider : Yo, pendejo, you got something of mine.

Earl of Grantham : Carson, is someone addressing me?

[Carson presents a calling card tray to Spider]

Mr. Spider : Oh, sorry.

[places a calling card in the tray, which Carson reads]

Mr. Carson : My Lord, a Mr. Spider to see you.

Earl of Grantham : Ah yes. What can I do for you, my good man?

Mr. Spider : Listen, English Muffin, where's my motherfucking tea?

Earl of Grantham : Thomas.

[Thomas presents a brick of tea to Spider, who cuts it open, takes a sample on his pinkie finger, stirs it into a tea cup his sicario hands him, and drinks it]

Mr. Spider : Ahhh! I'll take that shit with some milk!

Earl of Grantham : Naturally... once we have been reimbursed for our efforts.

Mr. Spider : And why should I pay you, Mary Poppins, when I already got the recipe.

Mr. Carson : Who gave you the recipe?

Thomas Barrow : Uh, he, he must have gotten it from Mr. Bates. I told you he was unreliable.

Earl of Grantham : But I never gave Bates the recipe.

[he and Carson reach into their jackets for guns]

Thomas Barrow : No, wait!

[gunfire ensues]

Hugh Bonneville: Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham