Ted 2 (2015)
Seth MacFarlane: Ted
Photos
Quotes
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[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John : Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted : We are so sorry!
Female Nurse : Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted : Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
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Comic : So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted : 9/11!
Comic : Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John : Robin Williams!
Comic : Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted : Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic : Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted : The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic : Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John : Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted : Germanwings cockpit!
Comic : Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted : No, you didn't!
John : Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic : Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted : Bill Cosby!
Comic : You people are monsters.
John : We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!
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Ted : What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson : Leslie.
Ted : Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John : That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson : Who is that?
Ted : You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
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Customer : Hey.
Ted : Hello.
Customer : I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted : Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer : Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted : Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer : Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted : Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer : So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted : No. No. You should be fine.
Customer : You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted : I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer : Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted : Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer : And... I won't be followed?
Ted : No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer : Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted : I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
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Ted : Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John : No, she wasn't.
Ted : She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
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Ted : What the fuck!
John : Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted : There's so much porn!
John : What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted : What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John : Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted : Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
John : Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted : You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!
John : Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted : There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
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Samantha Jackson : Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John : I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted : I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
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[from trailer]
Samantha Jackson : All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted : Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson : Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted : Objection!
John : Sustained!
Samantha Jackson : You know, the witness can't object.
John : Overruled.
Ted : Sidebar.
John : Guilty!
Ted : Speculation.
John : Hearsay!
Ted : Bailiff.
John : Briefcase.
Ted : Disregard.
John : In my chambers.
Ted : Stop beavering the witness.
John : I rest.
Ted : We could totally be lawyers.
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Ted : I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John : What?
Ted : I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John : Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted : No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John : Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!
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Judge : Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.
Ted : Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha Jackson : Ted, shut up!
Ted : Fine!
[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]
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[after crashing their car]
Ted : I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.
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Ted : [Last lines] Hashtag. Shit happens.
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[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]
John : Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted : Clubber Lang!
John : FUCKING...
Ted : Hahaha!
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[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]
Guy : Hey, Ted!
Ted : Guy?
Guy : I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.
[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick : Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted : Hey, what's going on?
Guy : What are you doing here?
Ted : [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy : Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick : Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.
[Guy stops a guest passing by]
Ted : Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?
[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted : Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.
[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy : Right on. You too, man.
[Guy looks at his hands]
Guy : God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!
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Frank : [Unrated version only] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted : I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank : That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
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Samantha Jackson : Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John : Judy Bloome?
Ted : Hitler?
Samantha Jackson : F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John : Who's that?
Samantha Jackson : The author.
John : Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha Jackson : [Sam is confused] What?
Ted : You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John : Yeah.
Samantha Jackson : No, that's his first name.
Ted : His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson : What? No!
John : Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson : Francis.
Ted : No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John : It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John : Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted : Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John : It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted : Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
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Ted : [At a "Knight Rider" Q&A panel, unrated version] I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?
David Hasselhoff : You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.
KITT : You know what, can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.
Ted : What? It's a fair question.
KITT : No, you know what? You know what? Let me tell you something about this man...
David Hasselhoff : KITT, it's all right, just let it go.
KITT : No, no! I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something, after the show ended, I got nothing but shit work, all right? I was playing snow plows, tractors, I was even cast as a lawnmower. Not that was a real low point for me and this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life wrote me a check.
David Hasselhoff : Aw, come on, pal.
KITT : No, no! I want everyone to hear this because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff! You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most-
[KITT's wiper fluid and windshield wipers start up]
KITT : I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much.
David Hasselhoff : I love you too, pal, I really do. I love you.
Ted : So, like twenty-five beers or what?
KITT : [rushing at Ted] You piece of shit! Get out of here!
Ted : Whoa, man! What the fuck?
KITT : You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!
David Hasselhoff : KITT, he's not worth it!
KITT : Get out of here!
Ted : What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.
KITT : Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!
Ted : I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.
KITT : Get out! Get the fuck out!
Ted : You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.
KITT : Get out!
Ted : [Ted leaves the room] Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ.
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Ted : So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?
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[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
Ted : Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John : [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted : God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John : Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted : What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John : Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted : Oh, fuck you.
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Samantha Jackson : Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep Wild : Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha Jackson : I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted : I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.
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[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John : Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted : Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John : I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha Jackson : Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
[giggles]
Samantha Jackson : It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John : Uh, no.
Samantha Jackson : Why?
John : I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha Jackson : Oh, you think this is big?
Ted : [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
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Samantha Jackson : [Unrated version] I love New York.
John : Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted : Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted : Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]
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[Unrated version only]
Ted : Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.
Ted : When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
John : Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
Ted : Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
John : Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
Ted : You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
John : You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
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Frank : [to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.
Ted : [Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!
Frank : I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...
Ted : [Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.
Frank : I'm sorry. But as of today you're fired.
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Ted : That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John : Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha Jackson : No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
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[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]
Donny : You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.
Donny : [singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...
[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]
Ted : Bah, bah, bah!
[Donny lunges at him]
Ted : Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!
[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]
Vendor : Hey! What are you doing to that bear?
Donny : I'm sorry, I uh,
Vendor : You better be planning on buying that!
Donny : He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor : Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny : Okay. I have $40 here.
[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]
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Tami-Lynn : [Unrated version] Teddy, I got a really good feeling about this.
Ted : I know. Me too. I mean, adoption's great. Right?
Tami-Lynn : Oh, yeah. I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted.
Ted : Yeah! Yeah. And also a million kids who did nothin'.
Tami-Lynn : You know, Teddy, this has been nice, you and me doing this together. It's like we have a common goal or somethin'. Right?
Ted : I love hearing you say that, 'cause I feel exactly the same way.
Tami-Lynn : And we ain't fought in, like, a week.
Ted : I know! We haven't! Hey, you know what, if the baby works out, we should get a dog.
Tami-Lynn : Oh, my God. A German shepherd.
Ted : A German shepherd and a baby, together.
Tami-Lynn : It's, like, the perfect family.
Ted : And a gun to protect us all!
Tami-Lynn : Yes! Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun.
Ted : I love our gun-dog-baby family!
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Samantha Jackson : [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John : Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted : It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha Jackson : Any specifics?
John : A lot of people died.
Ted : Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha Jackson : Where did it take place?
John : All over the world.
Ted : Thus, World War I.
John : And that was the first one.
Ted : Of many.
Samantha Jackson : You guys need to get fucking educated!
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Ted : [to Patrick Meighan] I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice.
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Ted : Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John : We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted : We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted : Just take a seat and get to work.
John : Trust you completely.
Ted : We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha Jackson : Sorry you don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John : Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted : That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.
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[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John : What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John : Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John : It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John : Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted : So beautiful!
[sobs]
Ted : It's so beautiful!
Samantha Jackson : No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted : They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.
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Ted : Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.
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Ted : So, listen, I got to ask. Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff?
[Samantha throws guitar at Ted]
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Samantha Jackson : [almost hits 3 Star Wars fans who were on their way to Comic-Con with her car]
Obi-Wan : Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Stormtrooper : Whoa! Whoa!
Samantha Jackson : Jesus! Watch where you're going!
Stormtrooper : It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right way!
John : Yeah.
Ted : Whoa!
John : Whoa! Hey, what the hell you doing walking around, dressed like Star Wars?
Obi-Wan : It's Comic-Con you idiot. We're going to the Javits Center.
John : Well you're the idiots, because you three guys would never be walking together!
Ted : Yeah, you're HIS boss, and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha Jackson : Yeah, bite me Captain Kirk!
John : Hey hey, whoa now come on, no, that's Star Trek!
Ted : No, that's two different franchises
John : Yeah, sorry guys, she doesn't know.
Stormtrooper : Nah, it's okay. Sorry you have to deal with that. Let's go.
[Star Wars fans continue their walk to Comic-Con but then the guy in the Darth Vader outfit tries to use the force on them]
Obi-Wan : No, hey come on, it's not worth it man. It's not worth it.
