- Britta Perry: Jeff, why are people staring at you?
- Jeff Winger: 'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?
- Britta Perry: Hi, Abed! Just here for my breakfast date with Troy.
- Troy Barnes: Oh, good morning, Britta. I haven't seen you in over 12 hours!
- Britta Perry: [Chuckles] Yeah.
- Abed Nadir: I know you two are having sex. I've known for weeks.
- Britta Perry: What? Why didn't you say something?
- Abed Nadir: I love doughnuts.
- [Takes the doughnut bag from Britta]
- Lauren: Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but are you Nigel Cuthbertson, the actor who played Thoraxis?
- [Jeff turns around, ready to deny it, but then sees it's a pretty lady and changes his mind]
- Jeff Winger: [in a thick, terrible British accent] Call me Nige.
- Annie Edison: We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I'm sick of it, Jeff... Nigel... Winger!
- [tries to throw two more drinks in Jeff's face, but realises they are empty]
- Annie Edison: Can I get two more of these, please?
- Jeff Winger: Enough! This day has turned crazy. I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final in a class I didn't know I was enrolled in.
- [storms off, leaving Annie to huff]
- Abed Nadir: Maybe there's a reason the Inspector always chooses a human companion. He's an alien, but his human friends keep him grounded and invested in the world, like with me and Troy.
- Abed Nadir: Maybe all relationships are made up of logical inspectors and emotional constables, and we need both to make space and time a better place.
- Official Woman: [an episode of the American remake of "Inspector Spacetime" has just been shown to a test audience] So? What did everyone think?
- Shirley Bennett: I thought it was pretty good.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I was confused.
- Official Man: And what confused you?
- Pierce Hawthorne: The time travel mostly.
- [Official Man and Woman nod and write it down on their clipboard]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Also the space travel.
- Official Woman: Anything else?
- Pierce Hawthorne: How many clipboards you got?
- Troy Barnes: [Slightly sadly] You know, this is good, because, you know, Abed's branching out, and Toby's really, really great.
- Britta Perry: No. Troy, I have seen that look. Girls have given me that look. You are not being crazy. That dude is trying to steal your boyfriend.
- Britta Perry: Can't we just tell Abed that we're sleeping together?
- Troy Barnes: No. No. Abed's fragile. We have to ease him into it, okay? Do we want him to freak out and then we have to rescue him from some fantasy world where submarines are small enough to enter the bloodstream?
- [Thinks about it]
- Troy Barnes: I totally want to do that.
- Troy Barnes: Abed, the gluon photo line looks really long. We should probably get in it now.
- Abed Nadir: Definitely. Right after I find Toby.
- Troy Barnes: Who's Toby?
- Abed Nadir: [Chuckles] Toby Weeks. Arguably the biggest Inspector Spacetime fan in the world. We've been emailing for months.
- Troy Barnes: Oh. You never mentioned him.
- Abed Nadir: Well, you've been so busy lately having s*x. Besides, we talked about embracing change, so I'm expanding my social circle. I just hope he makes it. He works in Nigeria in banking. He almost couldn't come because all his money was tied up in this financial thing, but I sent him 700 pounds and a plane ticket, so he should be here.
- Britta Perry: Oh, Abed.
- Abed Nadir: There he is.
- Toby: You must be Abed. Inspector.
- [They both tip their hats to each other]
- Toby: Ooh, before I forget, here is your check.
- Abed Nadir: Nice.
- Toby: Thanking you very much indeed. You wouldn't believe how many people I emailed asking for help, and they completely ignored me.
- Britta Perry: [about Abed and Toby, who finish each other's sentences] Do they even have to talk? They could just touch tentacles and download.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What's this about a road trip?
- Jeff Winger: Look, Pierce, no one was trying to leave you out. We just assumed you wouldn't be interested. Which is why we left you out.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That's not fair. Why can't I go to a Captain Warptime Convention?
- Abed Nadir: Because you'll ruin it.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'm getting sick of everyone assuming that I have nothing to offer. You know, in Ancient Greece, it was considered an honor to invite a person my age to a space convention.
- Jeff Winger: We didn't invite Shirley either.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh. Well, that's better then.
- Britta Perry: Like I always say, if you love someone, set them free, and, if they don't come back to you, they were never yours to begin with.
- Troy Barnes: That makes no sense. What if they get hit by a car or fall down a well? Remind me not to put you down as my emergency contact.
- Abed Nadir: You know, for the first time in my long history of being locked inside things, I knew someone would come.
- Inspector Spacetime: Here we are, the 1960s, the greatest, grooviest period in the entire history of the entire universe. I'm lucky. I get to visit places like this because I can travel through time and space, but not both at once. Do you know why that is, Ensign?
- Ensign: Because, Inspector Spacetime, our minds would be blown with the space/time confusion.
- Inspector Spacetime: That's right. And now I must sleep with the sexiest woman here, who is also my grandmother, or I will cease to exist.
- Ensign: How do you know I'm not your grandmother?
- Inspector Spacetime: [seductively] There's only one way to find out.
- [cut to group study room 'F']
- Abed Nadir: [to Pierce] I hate you.
- Toby: When you sent me that first email in which you figured out that Inspector Spacetime is both his own grandfather *and* grandmother, I knew we were soul mates.
- Jeff Winger: Well, I just went upstairs and saw your room. Saw the two robes, the two coffee cups, one with lipstick, one without. And... I saw actual hair that looked a lot like mine on my side of the sink, so I have some questions.
- Annie Edison: Oh, God.
- Jeff Winger: First one, is that actually my hair, and, if so, did it fall out naturally? Because if it did, you need to tell me right now, 'cause I have to call science.
- Abed Nadir: Troy's been acting weird lately.
- Toby: The same thing happened with my constable when he got a wife. Which means of course I now have one spare ticket to the 50th anniversary Inspector Spacetime convention. in London.
- Abed Nadir: Demiceninspecticon? But it's so soon, and London's too far.
- Toby: In England, Cadbury creme eggs are sold year-round.
- Abed Nadir: [Gasps] I thought that was just a legend.
- Troy Barnes: You're lying.
- Toby: How would you know?
- Troy Barnes: Because Abed's my friend, and he would have told me. And he would have explained it to me in very clear terms, because I get confused sometimes.
- Shirley Bennett: I don't know if you're being sexist, ageist, racist, or what, but I don't think I like your "ist".
- Toby: Someone might just happen to have a pair of tickets to the sold-out panel, "Which Inspector would win in a fight in space, and which Inspector would win in a fight in time?"
- Inspector Spacetime: We can go anywhere and any time in the universe. But it will probably be London during the Blitz.
- Troy Barnes: Abed, the gluon photo line looks really long. We should probably get in it now.
- Abed Nadir: Definitely. Right after I find Toby.
- Troy Barnes: Who's Toby?
- Abed Nadir: [abridged laugh] Toby Weeks. Arguably the biggest Inspector Spacetime fan in the world. We've been emailing for months.
- Troy Barnes: Oh.
- [scoffs quietly]
- Troy Barnes: You never mentioned him.
- Abed Nadir: Well, you've been so busy lately having sex. Besides, we talked about embracing change, so I'm expanding my social circle. I just hope he makes it. He works in Nigeria in banking. He almost couldn't come because all his money was tied up in this financial thing, but I sent him 700 pounds and a plane ticket, so he should be here.
- Troy Barnes: I can't believe it... our first 'Inspecticon.'
- Abed Nadir: It's beautiful.
- Troy Barnes: Now are you sure it's okay Britta's here? Because she can just wait in the car.
- [Britta's mouth falls agape in shock]
- Jeff Winger: I just need to get my sunglasses, and then we can go.
- Abed Nadir: We're gonna be late, and you don't need sunglasses to go to an Inspector Spacetime convention.
- Jeff Winger: You're right. For an Inspector Spacetime convention, I would need a bag to put over my head.
- Jeff Winger: Hey, Annie, sad news. They closed the ski slopes. A dozen scouts got buried in an avalanche.
- [deadpan with arched eyebrow]
- Jeff Winger: So sad. I say we cut our losses and head home.
- Britta Perry: Wait, was that the female inspector?
- Abed Nadir: [Abed reprimands Britta] Not in front of Toby.
- Jeff Winger: But there are a lot of things that you think are fun that I wouldn't want to do because I'm...
- Annie Edison: Older?
- Jeff Winger: Not lame.
- Britta Perry: [in bed watching a b&w episode of 'Inspector Spacetime' on a laptop] Oh, wow, there are 50 years of these, huh?
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, isn't it great?
- Abed Nadir: David doesn't actually exist, does he?
- Toby: You're mad. Nothing you've said can prove that.
- Abed Nadir: Except that when we met you said his name was Andrew.
- Toby: Bollocks.
- Britta Perry: Everything okay?
- Troy Barnes: Everything's fine.
- Britta Perry: What is a gluon anyway?
- Troy Barnes: Can we stop talking about Abed? I'm sorry. I can't. It doesn't feel right.
- Britta Perry: It's okay. I understand. Go to him.
- Troy Barnes: Are you sure?
- Britta Perry: I've told you before. I don't care about Inspector Spacetime.
- [Troy exits as Britta reveals a look of relief]
- Troy Barnes: Oh, hey, there you guys are. Oh, this is so nice, just three friends, friending around all unthreatened-like.
- Toby: Terribly sorry. This is slightly embarrassing. I seem to have forgotten your name.
- Troy Barnes: [wide-eyed yelling] It's Troy! You know it's Troy! Okay, it's the first part of Troy and Abed. Toby and Abed in the Morning? That's ridiculous. I'm not psycho!