Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Son of the Mask (2013)

Malcolm Ray: Satan

Photos 

Quotes 

• [in the movie, as the baby blows up his head into the shape of a balloon, the Critic screams his head off at this sight, so loudly that it can be heard in hell] 

  Satan : That's my music! My movie's been found!

• [responding to Evilina's obsession with "My Little Pony", Satan calls his wife on the phone] 

  Kim Kardashian : Hello, Kim Kardashian?

  Satan : What in the HELL have you done to our daughter?

  Kim Kardashian : Look, all I know is that all that TV you've been showing her has resulted in her spinning her head and puking Ecto Cooler.

  Satan : That's what she's SUPPOSED to do! She's the seed of EVIL!

  Kim Kardashian : So I decided to show her some more age-appropriate programming, like "My Little Pony"...

  Satan : Ugh!

  Kim Kardashian : "Care Bears"...

  Satan : UGH!

  Kim Kardashian : "Dora the Explorer"...

  Satan : *UGGGGH!*

  Kim Kardashian : "Bratz"...

  Satan : [beat]  Okay, that's not too bad.

  Kim Kardashian : And "Thomas the Tank Engine".

  Satan : You WHORE of no virtue! One more outbreak like this and I'll take away your artificial husband.

  Kim Kardashian : Actually, that's fine. I think the one you gave me is broken.

  [She looks at her phone, revealing a picture of Kanye West] 

• Satan : [talking to Kim Kardashian on the phone, about age-appropriate shows for Evilina, which he thinks has corrupted her]  It'll take something much more potent to get our little girl back to normal.

  Kim Kardashian : Like what?

  Satan : Oh, I created something long ago, a children's film so frightening and so disturbed that no child could watch it without being scarred for life. Bring me... "Son of the Mask"!

  Kim Kardashian : I got rid of it.

  Satan : *WHAT?*

  Kim Kardashian : I thought it'd be too scary for her so I threw it into the human world.

  Satan : Cerberus' nine balls! You threw it into the human world? Mankind is not ready for something so depraved. God help the poor soul who comes across that nightmare of sadism!

  Kim Kardashian : Don't worry, I put it somewhere where nobody would look.

  [in the human world, the Critic comes across a garbage can and takes out a DVD that was in there] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing.

  [walks off with it] 

• [in H-E-Double Hockey-Stick, Satan's assistant addresses his minions on a big-screen TV] 

  Satan's assistant : Minions of Hell, I give to you the one and only master. The Lord of Darkness, Satan.

  Satan : [appearing on the screen]  My trembling subjects, for a while you've known that I kept the reveal of my daughter a secret. Well, no more. It's time for you to witness the true terror of the Antichrist. The horror of my offspring. The undeniable evil that will destroy what's left of your souls. Behold, pitiful maggots, the fearsome face of darkness: Evilina.

  [Evilina then appears, wearing a tiara and a blue-and-pink dress; she holds a crayon drawing of Applejack and Rarity from "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic"] 

  Evilina : [singing]  My Little Pony! / I used to wonder what friendship could be! / My Little Pony! / Until you all shared its magic with me!

  [the minions looks quite puzzled at this] 

  Satan's assistant : Technical difficulties.

  Evilina : [holding the crayon drawing up to Satan]  Can I put it on the refrigerator? Please, please, please?

  Satan : Be back in a few.

  [the TV shuts off; he turns to Evilina] 

  Satan : My princess of pestilence, what's wrong with you? This isn't the little hellspawn I raised!

  Evilina : Fluttershy loves you!

  [she puts a pink feather boa on Satan's shoulder] 

  Satan : What is this fecal matter you call Fluttershy? And what's all this talk about friendship and love and kindness?

  Evilina : Friendship is magic, daddy!

• Evilina : [talking to CR via a Skype cell]  Fluttershy's the cutest.

  C.R. : Oh, how original. No, it's clearly Rainbow Dash.

  Satan : [coming into Evilina's room]  Get out of there. Where do you find these people?

  C.R. : Is that your dad? Tell him I blame him for that shitty abomination of a third season!

  Evilina : Dad, CR blames you for the entire third...

  [Satan cuts off the connection, then starts to take Evilina away] 

  Evilina : Where are we going?

  Satan : Come on, I'm going to show you an evil worse than Hasbro.

  Evilina : Ooooh!