Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (TV Series)

The Seven Year B----... (2013)

James Van Der Beek: James Van Der Beek

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  June Colburn : [narrating]  Every relationship has its own dynamic. For example, my Mom and I still like to talk every night before bed.

  Connie Colburn : [Skype]  And then the dog found my other gardening cloth. And that's everything that happened to me today.

  Donald Colburn : And the day isn't over yet.

  [kisses wife] 

  Donald Colburn : Let's put on some Lyle Lovett and get horizontal.

  Connie Colburn : Ah...

  June Colburn : Okay, bye!

  [closes laptop with a grimace] 

  June Colburn : But I don't think I will ever understand Chloe and James' dynamic.

  Chloe : [as they enter, pretend-bickering:]  Good thing your face was so oily tonight. I could check my makeup on your forehead.

  James Van Der Beek : I wish you had. You look like a runner-up in a town's beauty pageant in Ohio.

  Chloe : You look like you just got back from the Douchey Awards, and won five Doucheys.

  James Van Der Beek : Only award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.

  June Colburn : I don't get how you guys can talk to each other like that. It's so mean. Especially before bedtime.

  James Van Der Beek : It's not mean, it's just us.

  Chloe : [to June]  What I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.

  June Colburn : Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.

  Chloe : [to James]  When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.

  James Van Der Beek : Watching me pretend to be in high school on TV was as close to high school as you ever got.

  June Colburn : You're agitating me. I'm gonna need a second cup of chamomile to go to sleep.

• James Van Der Beek : [just dumped Emily, so restaurant date is off]  But do yourself a favor. Come back sometime, the cinnamon buns are amazing.

• James Van Der Beek : It's amazing, nobody's ever cooked in this kitchen before.

  Emily : You're kidding. Money in the oven.

• June Colburn : I'm not picking sides, but... I do think that you and Chloe...

  James Van Der Beek : [holds up his hand]  I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't need to hear anything about Chloe. I know exactly what's gonna happen. The next time she projectile-vomits in a club full of twenty-somethings, she's not gonna have me to pay the dry-cleaning bill.

• June Colburn : [to Luther]  I'm not gonna stand back here and watch them throw away this beautiful friendship. I'm through being neutral. I choose Mom and Dad.

  [approaches the two recalcitrant friends] 

  June Colburn : Hey, look! You guys are friends! So you should be acting like it. I mean, look at each other! Chloe, you should say something like, I don't know, "Fat!" and, and James, you should say something about how lame Gloss Mobile is. Then, Chloe, you'll be all like "You're even badder as an actor as you were before" and then James will be all like, "You know what? I'm faster than Glo-Mo data transfer," and then Chloe will be like, "Well, what's it like competing against Brian Dennehy for roles?" and then James will be like "What's it like competing against lesbians for shirts?" Back and forth. Insults... tears... laughter... hugging! Yes, yes, hugging!

  [goofy smile] 

  Chloe : She's got butter on her butt.

  James Van Der Beek : [snickers]  Butter-butt.

  June Colburn : I... Oh, my God, I was standing against Eli's wall...

  James Van Der Beek : She's trying to wipe it off. She's got it on her sweater.

  Chloe : Sweater-butter.

  James Van Der Beek : [Luther tries to help June]  Now look who's getting in there.

  Chloe , James Van Der Beek : Butter-butt rubber.

• James Van Der Beek : [got overweight]  Obviously I'm not doing so well.

  Chloe : [looks washed out]  No. Me neither.

  James Van Der Beek : [admiring store clark stationary]  Nice neck-pen.

  Chloe : At least I have a neck.

  [they both chuckle] 

  James Van Der Beek : I've missed this. You're right, I got soft and complacent without you around to keep me sharp.

  Chloe : I don't wanna live in a Beek-less world. It's too gruesome. Yesterday I had to fill out something called a W2 form. I mean, I wrote the word 'balls' on every section, but still, I had to fill it out.

• Chloe : [James lost his excess weight]  You're lucky you're a quick thin.

  James Van Der Beek : I know. It got rough. I was having trouble seeing my dong in the shower.

  Chloe : It's always been kind of hard to see.