Community (TV Series)
Cooperative Escapism in Familial Relations (2013)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Britta Perry : You came back!
Jeff Winger : [to William] I'm sorry. You should take some credit for who I've become.
William Winger : Okay.
Jeff Winger : So let me tell you how I turned out, just so you're crystal clear on your impact. I am not well-adjusted. More often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I'm constantly texting, and there's no one at the other end. I'm just a grown man who can't even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I'm afraid that they'll see that I am broken. So you get credit for that.
William Winger : Oh, come on, now...
Jeff Winger : One time, when I was in seventh grade, I told everyone at school that I had appendicitis. I wanted someone to worry about me. But when Beth Brannon asked to see the scar, I didn't wanna get found out, so I took Mom's scissors, and I made one. It hurt like hell, but it was worth it, because I got 17 cards. And I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later, because it proves that someone, at some point, cared about me. You wanna see the scar? So you get credit for that too. This is me.
William Winger : Look, Jeff, I, uh...
[eyes shift back and forth, then widen, groans loudly, drops champagne flutes, clutching his chest and bends over]
Willy : Daddy!
Jeff Winger : Are you *faking* a heart attack?
William Winger : [sheepishly] Kind of a Hail Mary.
Jeff Winger : Happy Thanksgiving, dad.
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Jeff Winger : I heard your Thanksgiving wasn't much better than mine. So I thought we could take some time and be grateful for our real family. The one we chose.
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Jeff Winger : With all due respect, which is none, go to hell.
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Willy : Dad hates me.
Jeff Winger : What do you care what that guy thinks? He's a dick.
Willy : See? That's what I need to learn! How to be all dead inside with muscles on top, not all emotional and flabby.
Jeff Winger : Yeah, but you are emotional, and if you pretend you're not, you're only letting him off the hook for being a terrible father, which he is and always has been. I mean, he meant the world to you, and you meant nothing to him, and if you run away now, he'll never know. He should know. Britta's the worst.
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Jeff Winger : Look, you're probably feeling a very strong urge to sleep with me right now, and that is normal.
Britta Perry : [scoffs] Sha.
Jeff Winger : Britta, thank you. You were right. You're not going to get all "jock jams" on me, are you?
Britta Perry : [chuckle-snort] No, of course not. I left my boom box at school.
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Jeff Winger : Hello, William.
William Winger , Britta Perry : So, uh... how about we make a couple of ground rules?
Jeff Winger : Actually, that sounds good. Okay. No hugs.
William Winger : Wouldn't want one. No apologies.
Jeff Winger : Wouldn't accept one. No calling you "dad."
William Winger : No expectations.
Jeff Winger : No B.S.
William Winger : Drink?
Jeff Winger : Scotch.
William Winger : 18?
Jeff Winger : Neat.
Britta Perry : I just want to acknowledge that there are a lot of emotions flowing right now, and you two are probably feeling a strong impulse to sleep with each other,
[Jeff does a double take]
Britta Perry : and hey, that's normal.
William Winger : [look of confusion and disgust] Wow. I'll get the drinks.
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Jeff Winger : I'm having Thanksgiving with my estranged father. Move on.
Pierce Hawthorne : Makes sense. Jeff's at a point in his life where he needs a strong father figure to come out to.
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William Winger : [Willy throws a bread roll at his father] Damn it, Willy!
Willy : I'm expressing.
William Winger : Knock it off. Why can't you just swallow it like any normal person?
Willy : Oh, heh, heh. Oh! Right, like your new son. Like mister-- Mr. I've-Got-My-Shirt--
[to Jeff]
Willy : I don't know personal details about you.
Jeff Winger : Well, my name's Jeff.
Willy : Don't help me, Mr. Helper-Guy.
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Britta Perry : Psychology tells us there are no accidents.
Jeff Winger : Oh, really? What about car accidents? Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?
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Jeff Winger : The only thing that's going to get messy and emotional is Troy, when he realizes there are yams underneath those marshmallows.
Troy Barnes : I knew it was too good to be true.
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Jeff Winger : Look, I appreciate your concern, but really, the most helpful thing you can do is stay out of my business.
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Jeff Winger : Can't. Plans.
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Willy : Hi.
Jeff Winger : Hi. You must be my half-brother.
[they shake hands]
Willy : Oh, your hands are so much bigger than mine.
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Jeff Winger : I thought I told you to stop reading my email.
Dean Pelton : Yeah, well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets. How am I supposed to keep track of what you tell me in confidence and what I hear through your walls with a glass to my ear?
