- Sam Puckett: That's alright, we got this for ya.
- Cat Valentine: Yep, just trust Valentine and Puckell!
- Sam Puckett: It's Puckett.
- Cat Valentine: You told me it was Puckell!
- Sam Puckett: I said Puckett. I always say Puckett.
- Goomer: I thought it was Pickle.
- Sam Puckett: Who would name me 'Sam Pickle'?
- Cat Valentine: Mr. and Mrs. Pickle!
- Sam Puckett: Bye!
- Dice: Sam! I got a big problem!
- Sam Puckett: Cat, I got a big problem.
- Cat Valentine: What?
- Sam Puckett: Dice has a big problem and I don't wanna hear about it.
- Cat Valentine: Oh, Sam, you're so funny and insensitive.
- Cat Valentine: I went to camp with a girl named Louise. She pooped in the lake. She tried to blame it on a fish, but I knew.
- Sam Puckett: [about Goomer] How the spank are we gonna make anyone believe he's a high school teacher?
- Sam Puckett: [to Goomer] Uh, what do we call your mom?
- Sam Puckett: Oh, yeah, what's her last name?
- Goomer: Same as mine. Merr. So just call her Ms. Merr.
- Sam Puckett: Wait, your last name is Merr?
- Goomer: Yeah. My Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux. And my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr.
- Sam Puckett: Gieux?
- Cat Valentine: Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus.
- Cat Valentine: [to Goomer when he's with his mother] And who's this pretty lady you're sitting with?
- Sam Puckett: Did you meet her on Scrumptious ladies.com?
- Goomer: That's just sick.
- Dice: We gotta think of some way to fix this.
- Sam Puckett: Some things never get fixed.
- Cat Valentine: Like my brother's itches.
- Dice: Everything can be fixed! You guys watch TV. All problems can be solved in a half-hour.
- Erwin Sikowitz: Now what's all the hissy-fuss?
- Sam Puckett: You don't have a class in here after lunch, do you?
- Erwin Sikowitz: Why?
- Sam Puckett: We need to use this classroom.
- Erwin Sikowitz: You strike me as pushy.
- Cat Valentine: She can be pushy.
- Sam Puckett: I can also be punchy and kicky.
- Cat Valentine: Can we please use your classroom after lunch?
- Erwin Sikowitz: For what?
- Sam Puckett: Charity.
- Erwin Sikowitz: What charity?
- Sam Puckett: Uh...
- Cat Valentine: The Salvation Goomers.
- Sam Puckett: Yes, them.
- Erwin Sikowitz: What does this charity do?
- Sam Puckett: They help teachers grow hair.
- Erwin Sikowitz: My classroom is yours.
- [Sikowitz exits the classroom]