- Homer: [pondering] Homer Simpson, do you really want to keep cheating your friends, lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? What would Jesus do?
- Jesus: Hey, you gotta pay to find out.
- Player: I'll kick your ass, Milhouse!
- Rich Texan: Okay, fine. I'm gonna give it some thought, then say no in the nicest way possible.
- [pause]
- Rich Texan: No.
- Homer: And now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me: sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.
- Homer: Oh, man, I really overdid it tonight.
- Marge: Late night at Moe's, huh?
- Homer: No, I'm exhausted from "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!" It's the toes that get you, Marge. It's the toes!
- Marge: What about your own children?
- Homer: Way ahead of you, Marge, I'm taking all four of my kids to the zoo tomorrow.
- Marge: Three!
- Homer: Yes, we'll be back by 3:00, Homer has a very tight nap schedule.
- Marge: Quit talking about that baby!
- Homer: I was talking about myself in the third person...
- Marge: [meeting Homer at the supermarket] Oh, you're shopping ahead for Maggie!
- Homer: Oh, no, I'm shopping for Homer Jr., a baby I delivered in an elevator the night I pretended to go to work but was really playing poker.
- Marge: What?
- [Marge starts beating Homer]
- Marge: [frame pulls out: we find out this was all a Homer's fancy]
- Homer: This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.
- Homer: [finding out Gretchen's baby is been named after him] So now there's two things named after me: a baby and a law banning air horns after 3AM.