Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Sailor Moon (2013)

Rachel Tietz: Eureka, Sailor Moon - voice

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme...

  [phone rings and he answers it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello?

  Eureka : Mr. Critic, uh, Dr. Hack thinks he may have, like, finished that formula or whatever.

  [suddenly, the Critic comes in to see her] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Lead on.

  Dr. Hack : All right, Critic, I know I messed up with the Sailor Moon formula, but I've come up with a formula that's even better.

  Nostalgia Critic : Even better? You mean, like, more successful than "Sailor Moon"?

  Dr. Hack : Three times more successful!

  Nostalgia Critic : Really?

  Dr. Hack : Yes! According to my calculations, this should be the most famous, most profitable formula the world has ever known!

  Nostalgia Critic : Good God, Dr. Hack, what is it? What is it?

  Dr. Hack : Okay, okay. Three online performers - two male, one female - remake movies with the help of a German cameraman and Irish immigrant!

  [there is a long pause, then the Critic gets angry, takes off his hat and starts beating Dr. Hack with it] 

• Dr. Hack : Eureka!

  Eureka : What?

  Dr. Hack : Oh, there you are, Eureka. Get ready to jot down my latest formula.

  Nostalgia Critic : You got it?

  Dr. Hack : Yes, and it's going to make us millions.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, that's wonderful. Let's hear it.

  Dr. Hack : Fourteen-year-old old girl acts stupid, uses magical powers to look slutty and stupid...

  [the Critic's smile fades] 

  Dr. Hack : ... talking cat tells her how to fight crime because she's so stupid, surrounds herself with smarter girls that make her look even more stupid...

  Nostalgia Critic : [perplexed]  That's "Sailor Moon".

  Dr. Hack : What?

  Nostalgia Critic : The formula you're describing, it's "Sailor Moon".

  Dr. Hack : Do they have a villain that keeps attacking the same town?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes.

  Dr. Hack : Do they have a tedious romance with a magic boyfriend?

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting frustrated]  Yes.

  Dr. Hack : Do they repeat the same animation?

  Nostalgia Critic : Worse than Hanna-Barbera!

  Dr. Hack : And it was successful?

  Nostalgia Critic : It's one of the most popular animes of all time!

  Dr. Hack : Hmm... Eureka?

  [he examines Eureka's drawing: it shows that a sailor plus a moon equals a dollar sign] 

  Dr. Hack : Oh, dear. Well, this is embarrassing. Um... Well, how about this one? Three obnoxiously perfect girls are raised by three obnoxiously perfect men in a house in San Francisco... and not one of them is gay!

  [the Critic ignores him as he leaves the room] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the show's PSAs]  To say they're time fillers is an understatement. Half the time, they don't even bother to fill in the dead air they care so little about!

  Sailor Moon : Daydreams are nice, especially the ones about... food.

  [giggles, then sighs] 

  Sailor Moon : Daydreams are cool alright.

  [long pause, as the Critic makes a "hurry-up" motion with his hand] 

  Sailor Moon : But just don't forget about the here and now.

• Nostalgia Critic : [appalled by the show's half-assed PSAs at the end]  Yeah, if they wanted a more appropriate ending, they'd go with something like this...

  Sailor Moon : [voiced by Rachel]  Hey, kids! A lot of times, we get angry letters from your parents because we know our show makes you dumber. So here's our last-minute table scraps to try and teach you something in the last few seconds we have. Um... Brush your teeth!

  [giggles] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Or in the case of the lesbian duo, maybe they can do something like...

  Sailor Moon : [again voiced by Rachel]  Hey, kids! You got boys and you got girls - pick one!

  [giggles] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And guys, that's as far as I got.